not much to update on. And I don't think anyone's reading this blog, so it's tough to keep up with updates!
Saw my OB last week and she wants me to start being a little bit more active. I already have been, walking up/down the stairs quite frequently throughout the day, and taking more and more risks. So I'll just keep it up.
the most interesting part of the appointment was that my OB wants to start doing checks around 36 weeks. usually she would start at 38 weeks, and I am personally against poking around without purpose ("if it ain't broke, don't fix it" or don't go looking for things to fix) but she wants to see if I am dilated and possibly induce to ensure I cam deliver in the hospital instead of at home, as she thinks I will labour extremely quickly!
We'll talk about it some more.. that's if I make it that far. But really hoping I won't need to be induced...
Monday, 24 October 2016
Tuesday, 11 October 2016
30 weeks + 4
My latest OB appointment took place at 29+5. It was pretty uneventful. A few notable things:
- by 32 weeks, my OB would like me to start being a little bit more active, walk a little bit more, in order to minimize muscle deconditioning.
- She was very hopeful and said that she thinks I can make it to full term!This is a stark contrast from the last time we talked about this; she was very realistic in saying that there was a high chance of delivering early, before 32 weeks, but it was still possible to go to full term. She may have said kind of 50-50% chances. But at 29+5, she was very positive, very excited about my progress!
- we re-tested my urine - found out today, no infection!
- last ultrasound scheduled around 34 weeks
- I learned that up until 34-35 weeks, I will need to deliver in the operating room in case baby needs to be resuscitated.
something silly I should mention is that i've been wearing panty liners constantly since starting progesterone. I've read over and over again that other women do this too, so I didn't think anything of it. Well, my OB pointed out that the liners may be contributing to infections (I've always been very prone to them anyway), and I have in fact had to have 2 rounds of antibiotics due to infection found in my urine during this pregnancy. I stopped using panty liners altogether and even learned that I really don't need them during the day anyway. Plus, not using a panty liner makes it easier to monitor for slow leaks in amniotic fluid which is one of my greatest fears.
About increasing activity starting at 32 weeks, I'm a bit hesitant about this. While I feel so much better making it past 30 weeks, and feel so good about how baby will do if baby were to come any moment now, I still want to avoid NICU time altogether if possible. I have a hard time accepting that I may be increasing activity and risking early labour when it can be prevented. The idea of having a baby born and whisked away to NICU immediately just breaks my heart. I want the same experience as last time... immediate skin-to-skin, baby was never more than 2 metres away from my, immediate breastfeeding. I still have a lot of anxiety about how everything will go if baby has to be resuscitated or go to NICU instead....
I have also been wondering about what to pack in my hospital bag. I've packed only for myself, because don't babies not wear clothing while in NICU? Do they provide diapers? i've been told NICU does. Even if enough for just 1 day, which would give DH enough time to pick up what is needed.
But will I show up at labour and delivery and be judged for packing a bag for myself and not baby?
I just feel like packing too much will make me attach myself to the idea of baby coming early. I am trying to stay positive and believe that we can still make it farther. But I know I need to be realistic too...
I keep recalculating and rethinking the numbers these days. I think I've gotten to the point where it's become motivating rather than discouraging. To think, there's only about 6 weeks left until FULL TERM! (And really, I'm just aiming for 36 weeks for the time being) That sounds like 'nothing', especially compared to the 12 weeks that have gone by, 3+ weeks of hospitalization, during which I am worried every moment about going into labour. I am hoping the next 6 weeks pass by more quickly, as there will be so much to be positive about.
- 32 weeks has been my next goal, and it doesn't feel that far away anymore.
- at 33 weeks, I hope to take my son trick-or-treating (pushed in a wheelchair by my parents)
- By 34-35 weeks, I may not need to deliver in the operating room anymore
- By 35-36 weeks, we are celebrating my son's 2nd birthday!
- By 36 weeks, my OB wants me to resume regular activities! Maybe I will get to lift my son and take him to the park!
With Halloween, and my son's birthday coming up, I feel so excited about the upcoming month.
And to think, in exactly 1 month from today, I will be 35 weeks pregnant. I will feel already as though I've beat this thing. For once, one month feels like a real possibility.
something else to feel positive about... although this is my first week of decreased pay (week #7 of being off work), we just found out that DH has likely been promoted at work!
Overall things are pretty uneventful these days - and for this, I am grateful. I am just so, so grateful with every day that passes, and feeling more hope that things will be ok, regardless of the outcome. I've read endless positive and hopeful stories on the facebook groups that have helped me keep my sanity - stories about preemie babies, stories about going full term. Staying realistic though, I'm mentally preparing for labour by reading labouring books, including reading on hypnotherapy, and getting used to planning as though baby can come any moment. But I think everything is going to be ok. And I am so excited to meet little one in the upcoming weeks.
- by 32 weeks, my OB would like me to start being a little bit more active, walk a little bit more, in order to minimize muscle deconditioning.
- She was very hopeful and said that she thinks I can make it to full term!This is a stark contrast from the last time we talked about this; she was very realistic in saying that there was a high chance of delivering early, before 32 weeks, but it was still possible to go to full term. She may have said kind of 50-50% chances. But at 29+5, she was very positive, very excited about my progress!
- we re-tested my urine - found out today, no infection!
- last ultrasound scheduled around 34 weeks
- I learned that up until 34-35 weeks, I will need to deliver in the operating room in case baby needs to be resuscitated.
something silly I should mention is that i've been wearing panty liners constantly since starting progesterone. I've read over and over again that other women do this too, so I didn't think anything of it. Well, my OB pointed out that the liners may be contributing to infections (I've always been very prone to them anyway), and I have in fact had to have 2 rounds of antibiotics due to infection found in my urine during this pregnancy. I stopped using panty liners altogether and even learned that I really don't need them during the day anyway. Plus, not using a panty liner makes it easier to monitor for slow leaks in amniotic fluid which is one of my greatest fears.
About increasing activity starting at 32 weeks, I'm a bit hesitant about this. While I feel so much better making it past 30 weeks, and feel so good about how baby will do if baby were to come any moment now, I still want to avoid NICU time altogether if possible. I have a hard time accepting that I may be increasing activity and risking early labour when it can be prevented. The idea of having a baby born and whisked away to NICU immediately just breaks my heart. I want the same experience as last time... immediate skin-to-skin, baby was never more than 2 metres away from my, immediate breastfeeding. I still have a lot of anxiety about how everything will go if baby has to be resuscitated or go to NICU instead....
I have also been wondering about what to pack in my hospital bag. I've packed only for myself, because don't babies not wear clothing while in NICU? Do they provide diapers? i've been told NICU does. Even if enough for just 1 day, which would give DH enough time to pick up what is needed.
But will I show up at labour and delivery and be judged for packing a bag for myself and not baby?
I just feel like packing too much will make me attach myself to the idea of baby coming early. I am trying to stay positive and believe that we can still make it farther. But I know I need to be realistic too...
I keep recalculating and rethinking the numbers these days. I think I've gotten to the point where it's become motivating rather than discouraging. To think, there's only about 6 weeks left until FULL TERM! (And really, I'm just aiming for 36 weeks for the time being) That sounds like 'nothing', especially compared to the 12 weeks that have gone by, 3+ weeks of hospitalization, during which I am worried every moment about going into labour. I am hoping the next 6 weeks pass by more quickly, as there will be so much to be positive about.
- 32 weeks has been my next goal, and it doesn't feel that far away anymore.
- at 33 weeks, I hope to take my son trick-or-treating (pushed in a wheelchair by my parents)
- By 34-35 weeks, I may not need to deliver in the operating room anymore
- By 35-36 weeks, we are celebrating my son's 2nd birthday!
- By 36 weeks, my OB wants me to resume regular activities! Maybe I will get to lift my son and take him to the park!
With Halloween, and my son's birthday coming up, I feel so excited about the upcoming month.
And to think, in exactly 1 month from today, I will be 35 weeks pregnant. I will feel already as though I've beat this thing. For once, one month feels like a real possibility.
something else to feel positive about... although this is my first week of decreased pay (week #7 of being off work), we just found out that DH has likely been promoted at work!
Overall things are pretty uneventful these days - and for this, I am grateful. I am just so, so grateful with every day that passes, and feeling more hope that things will be ok, regardless of the outcome. I've read endless positive and hopeful stories on the facebook groups that have helped me keep my sanity - stories about preemie babies, stories about going full term. Staying realistic though, I'm mentally preparing for labour by reading labouring books, including reading on hypnotherapy, and getting used to planning as though baby can come any moment. But I think everything is going to be ok. And I am so excited to meet little one in the upcoming weeks.
Monday, 3 October 2016
29 weeks + 3
I haven't updated in a while, so here's a quick, quick update... More to follow after my OB appointment on Wednesday Oct 5.
being at home has been tough.
for one thing, i am starting to feel a bit depressed. Hearing sounds from the outside world reminds me that I'm stick in here. I feel useless and unproductive. I feel immense guilt for not working and not being able to take care of things at home. I feel terrible that DH has to do everything around the house, on top of renovations and his stressful job.
Secondly, on weekends, I spend all my time downstairs on the main floor where there is no bathroom, because that's where DS hangs out. That means going up/down a flight of stairs about hourly to go to the washroom. Makes me so nervous.
We tried to go to the park on the weekend. It was a bit of a nightmare. DH pushed me in the wheelchair while I pushed DS on his tricycle (because he insisted on being in his tricycle). But after about 20 minutes of course I had to go to the bathroom, so we had to head back shortly after.
With my time now, I've been mentally and spiritually preparing for labour. I prepared my birth plan (which I wasn't going to prepare but my doula insists the hospital staff reads it), I've finished re-reading a couple of my books, and started reading up on hypnobirthing and meditating.
But meditation has been challenging because I find it hard to focus.
I've started making paintings for baby, as well as a few for DS.
Overall I am so, so grateful that I have made it this far. No signs of labour. Next goal is half a week away, 30 weeks!
being at home has been tough.
for one thing, i am starting to feel a bit depressed. Hearing sounds from the outside world reminds me that I'm stick in here. I feel useless and unproductive. I feel immense guilt for not working and not being able to take care of things at home. I feel terrible that DH has to do everything around the house, on top of renovations and his stressful job.
Secondly, on weekends, I spend all my time downstairs on the main floor where there is no bathroom, because that's where DS hangs out. That means going up/down a flight of stairs about hourly to go to the washroom. Makes me so nervous.
We tried to go to the park on the weekend. It was a bit of a nightmare. DH pushed me in the wheelchair while I pushed DS on his tricycle (because he insisted on being in his tricycle). But after about 20 minutes of course I had to go to the bathroom, so we had to head back shortly after.
With my time now, I've been mentally and spiritually preparing for labour. I prepared my birth plan (which I wasn't going to prepare but my doula insists the hospital staff reads it), I've finished re-reading a couple of my books, and started reading up on hypnobirthing and meditating.
But meditation has been challenging because I find it hard to focus.
I've started making paintings for baby, as well as a few for DS.
Overall I am so, so grateful that I have made it this far. No signs of labour. Next goal is half a week away, 30 weeks!
Friday, 23 September 2016
28 weeks
so many thoughts... so much gratitude. I wasn't sure I'd make it this far.
on Wednesday, Sept 21, at 27+5, I saw my OB, and had another u/s. 0.3 cm. That's the best I could hope for. No change in 2 and a half weeks. My OB said: the only question is how much longer you stay in the hospital, and I immediately asked if I go home. Funny, 2 weeks ago I was asking whether I could stay beyond 28 weeks. But by now I had had enough.
I went home immediately. Home sweet home. Home has never been so sweet. I have never in my life been away from home for 17 days (unless I was moving to a new home).
My first morning back, DS ran into the room happily while I was still in bed, just like he always had, just like I had never left. Except now, I discovered, he has learned to say "Mommy, Get up!". No more sleeping in like in the hospital!
Yesterday I was feeling quite low though for some reason. Possible reasons:
- Maybe because I went back to bed after DS went to daycare. Sleeping in always makes me feel badly about myself
- i was too isolated at the hospital, didn't have to talk to my family. Now I do, and little things they say irritate me
- my mom can be annoying. and I am around her more now (they are here from out of town helping out)
- maybe DH has been particularly stressed and irritable lately too.
- Mostly I believe it is this: at home i am constantly reminded of how useless/helpless I am. I am totally dependent on my loved ones whom I've displaced and inconvenienced.
Or it's just I've been getting gradually more depressed, maybe it has nothing to do with returning home. I can't concentrate worth a shit these days. I can't meditate. I am not able to enjoy the present moment. I think i am getting progressively impatient and frustrated. At times I have the ludicrous thought that I want the baby to come because then some normalcy in my activities would resume. I wouldn't have to be so dependent. But then I want to give myself a good hard slap or five in my face for thinking such a selfish thought. Of course it would not be good for anyone long term if baby is born now and has any kind of disability from the extreme prematurity. But how to stay positive now?
Why am I not ecstatic that I have lasted this long when everyone was starting to severely doubt 2.5 weeks ago?? I am so ungrateful. I never thought in a million years I would get to this point and wish the journey would end here. And at the same time, of course I don't. How could I be so impatient? What an odd feeling, what odd thoughts. I've truly surprised myself.
on Wednesday, Sept 21, at 27+5, I saw my OB, and had another u/s. 0.3 cm. That's the best I could hope for. No change in 2 and a half weeks. My OB said: the only question is how much longer you stay in the hospital, and I immediately asked if I go home. Funny, 2 weeks ago I was asking whether I could stay beyond 28 weeks. But by now I had had enough.
I went home immediately. Home sweet home. Home has never been so sweet. I have never in my life been away from home for 17 days (unless I was moving to a new home).
My first morning back, DS ran into the room happily while I was still in bed, just like he always had, just like I had never left. Except now, I discovered, he has learned to say "Mommy, Get up!". No more sleeping in like in the hospital!
Yesterday I was feeling quite low though for some reason. Possible reasons:
- Maybe because I went back to bed after DS went to daycare. Sleeping in always makes me feel badly about myself
- i was too isolated at the hospital, didn't have to talk to my family. Now I do, and little things they say irritate me
- my mom can be annoying. and I am around her more now (they are here from out of town helping out)
- maybe DH has been particularly stressed and irritable lately too.
- Mostly I believe it is this: at home i am constantly reminded of how useless/helpless I am. I am totally dependent on my loved ones whom I've displaced and inconvenienced.
Or it's just I've been getting gradually more depressed, maybe it has nothing to do with returning home. I can't concentrate worth a shit these days. I can't meditate. I am not able to enjoy the present moment. I think i am getting progressively impatient and frustrated. At times I have the ludicrous thought that I want the baby to come because then some normalcy in my activities would resume. I wouldn't have to be so dependent. But then I want to give myself a good hard slap or five in my face for thinking such a selfish thought. Of course it would not be good for anyone long term if baby is born now and has any kind of disability from the extreme prematurity. But how to stay positive now?
I keep playing around with the numbers though. 12 weeks to due date but only 9 weeks to full term. Single digits. Sounds surmountable. But yet I have been on this journey for 9.5 weeks and it feels like an eternity, like I can bear no more. I am only half way through, is that all?? But going from 24-28 was such a huge milestone. It meant everything to me. That's maybe the problem. It meant too much. I have made it, and have to go on, still? How much more of this torturous journey? And yet of course it's wonderful that I made it another 4 weeks!! But I have to make it another 4… and then another….
I am not bored for a second but I am starting to feel so down about being unproductive, useless, helpless
....
ok, so most of that was written yesterday. I think the shock of returning home and realizing how useless I am has settled a bit. It was a huge contrast from being alone and managing alone for so long. But today, my mood returned to normal.
Yesterday I purchased a baby book and a daily planner to write daily notes to my baby. I had promised myself these gifts when I reached 28 weeks, because it would mean that baby would likely grow up to be literate. Before 28 weeks, I wasn't too sure and didn't want to face the disappointment...
I think being back with DS has really lifted my spirits. I see how much I missed him, remember how much joy he brings me.
But the anxiety is in full force. I worry about going into labour constantly. My next visit to L&D, I think baby will come. No more false alarms and being sent home, or being admitted for monitoring. I feel like my chances are up.
I also realized I am extremely allergic to my home! in the hospital I barely touched a kleenex in the whole time I stayed there. Now I am constantly sneezing, sniffly, ad blowing my nose and every single time, I worry about my cervix shortening, about baby falling out.... I worry when DS climbs up on me. I worry when I sit upright too long, I worry when I have to get up from low surfaces (which happens all the time at home apparently), and I worry when I have to go up/down the stairs. I don't know how much longer I can last like this... Only time will tell.
....
ok, so most of that was written yesterday. I think the shock of returning home and realizing how useless I am has settled a bit. It was a huge contrast from being alone and managing alone for so long. But today, my mood returned to normal.
Yesterday I purchased a baby book and a daily planner to write daily notes to my baby. I had promised myself these gifts when I reached 28 weeks, because it would mean that baby would likely grow up to be literate. Before 28 weeks, I wasn't too sure and didn't want to face the disappointment...
I think being back with DS has really lifted my spirits. I see how much I missed him, remember how much joy he brings me.
But the anxiety is in full force. I worry about going into labour constantly. My next visit to L&D, I think baby will come. No more false alarms and being sent home, or being admitted for monitoring. I feel like my chances are up.
I also realized I am extremely allergic to my home! in the hospital I barely touched a kleenex in the whole time I stayed there. Now I am constantly sneezing, sniffly, ad blowing my nose and every single time, I worry about my cervix shortening, about baby falling out.... I worry when DS climbs up on me. I worry when I sit upright too long, I worry when I have to get up from low surfaces (which happens all the time at home apparently), and I worry when I have to go up/down the stairs. I don't know how much longer I can last like this... Only time will tell.
Sunday, 18 September 2016
27 weeks + 2 - waiting
Still waiting. Still no changes. So I remain eternally grateful.
It is a little unbelievable that I've made it this far. 2 weeks ago I was being treated as though the baby would come in the next few days. I really jumped the gun in telling work I would not be back, and telling my doctor I want to stay in hospital as long as possible to prevent preterm labour.
Staff kept telling me I would stay here until 28 weeks and then there was no point in staying, but I wanted to stay. I was so worried about baby coming any moment.
I feel quite differently now. Partly it is because I am further along, and have heard so many positive stories about kids being born between 27-28 weeks. I feel much more comfortable with the idea of baby coming now. I suppose because I am farther along, have been cooking baby another 2 weeks despite an almost non existent cervix (likely non existent by now), I feel a little more comfortable in getting up and moving around. I spend most of the day in reclined seated position in bed but I do walk around for the bathroom, to get water, and once per day I go downstairs for food. Big contrast from my initial arrival when I walked only to the washroom and stayed lying down at all times.
Secondly, I must just be getting stir crazy. I have been in The hospital for 2 full weeks now and I am missing my son. I see him about an hour daily but of course that's not the same as being at home.
I am even wondering if return to work in some modified fashion may be a possibility but I don't like the idea of dealing with added stress and luckily, neither does my supportive husband, however a decrease in pay is weighing on me. 3 more weeks of full pay and then there will be a decrease to 60%. But then again, will I make it another 3 weeks?
Weeks ago I said if I made it that far, I won't care about the money because I will be so happy that baby is still cooking. But that was when 30 weeks seemed unattainable. Now that it is a possibility , I guess I am being more realistic about my financial responsibilities.
I anxiously wait for Wednesday, 25 + 5. My next OB appointment. That day I find out my last cervix length measurement, and whether I get to go home, and the ongoing plan. I feel hopeful yet cautious. After all, most of my past appointments seem to have such devastating outcomes. How many times did I end up in the hospital after bad news from an appointment? Almost half the time? The other times, I seemed to just receive orders of more and more limited activity.
For now, I continue to focus my energy the same way that I have been doing for the past week and a half: lots of meditation and practising mindfulness, lots of appreciation for all the wonderful things and people in my life, the fact that we have made it this far. I am careful to consume mindfully and take care of myself physically, spiritually, and mentally. It's the only thing that would be right to do with all this extra time. I owe it to my loved ones as well as myself.
It is a little unbelievable that I've made it this far. 2 weeks ago I was being treated as though the baby would come in the next few days. I really jumped the gun in telling work I would not be back, and telling my doctor I want to stay in hospital as long as possible to prevent preterm labour.
Staff kept telling me I would stay here until 28 weeks and then there was no point in staying, but I wanted to stay. I was so worried about baby coming any moment.
I feel quite differently now. Partly it is because I am further along, and have heard so many positive stories about kids being born between 27-28 weeks. I feel much more comfortable with the idea of baby coming now. I suppose because I am farther along, have been cooking baby another 2 weeks despite an almost non existent cervix (likely non existent by now), I feel a little more comfortable in getting up and moving around. I spend most of the day in reclined seated position in bed but I do walk around for the bathroom, to get water, and once per day I go downstairs for food. Big contrast from my initial arrival when I walked only to the washroom and stayed lying down at all times.
Secondly, I must just be getting stir crazy. I have been in The hospital for 2 full weeks now and I am missing my son. I see him about an hour daily but of course that's not the same as being at home.
I am even wondering if return to work in some modified fashion may be a possibility but I don't like the idea of dealing with added stress and luckily, neither does my supportive husband, however a decrease in pay is weighing on me. 3 more weeks of full pay and then there will be a decrease to 60%. But then again, will I make it another 3 weeks?
Weeks ago I said if I made it that far, I won't care about the money because I will be so happy that baby is still cooking. But that was when 30 weeks seemed unattainable. Now that it is a possibility , I guess I am being more realistic about my financial responsibilities.
I anxiously wait for Wednesday, 25 + 5. My next OB appointment. That day I find out my last cervix length measurement, and whether I get to go home, and the ongoing plan. I feel hopeful yet cautious. After all, most of my past appointments seem to have such devastating outcomes. How many times did I end up in the hospital after bad news from an appointment? Almost half the time? The other times, I seemed to just receive orders of more and more limited activity.
For now, I continue to focus my energy the same way that I have been doing for the past week and a half: lots of meditation and practising mindfulness, lots of appreciation for all the wonderful things and people in my life, the fact that we have made it this far. I am careful to consume mindfully and take care of myself physically, spiritually, and mentally. It's the only thing that would be right to do with all this extra time. I owe it to my loved ones as well as myself.
Saturday, 10 September 2016
26 weeks + 1
I think, I hope, it's going to be quiet for a while.
my doctor came to see my yesterday night. She said that we will just wait and see.
I told her my concerns about how I'll get to the other building to see her, and have to sit around and wait for an ultrasound and to see her at the office, as I usually lie down or sit very reclined right now, rather than sitting upright in chairs. She told me that can I skip this week and see her in 2 weeks, at 27+5 and do my last vaginal ultrasound for cervical check - there is not much purpose anymore. And I will stay in this "hospitality suite" in the hospital until 28 weeks.
I am relieved because that means no doctors changing orders on me or finding new things wrong. I know what I need to do until 27+5, there will be no more scares of vaginal ultrasounds showing yet shorter cervix and me feeling helpless and anxious about it.
For now, I just rest as much as possible while balancing getting up for circulation as I am not being put on prophylactic blood thinners.
I feel at peace for now, and try to enjoy the present moment, every moment that my baby keeps cooking a little longer, and I am grateful that my cervix has held out 7.5 weeks already in this journey, and that my family and friends have been so supportive.
Friday, 9 September 2016
26 weeks - transfer of hospital rooms
I can barely believe I made it to 26 weeks. What a journey thus far. It truly has been teaching me ongoing patience, and awareness of each passing moment. Since my diagnosis of a short cervix at about 18 and a half weeks, I have been painfully aware of each moment. It has been 7.5 weeks of living like that. And hopefully more weeks to come...
The past few days have been very uneventful and at the same time very trying. I still to this day have not had any signs of early labour, and for that, I am forever grateful. The trying part is that I am still so conflicted about how much activity my body can take.
Starting on Wednesday (2 days ago), the unit doctors started telling me I should stay active, walk around, not stay in bed. This is totally conflicting with what my personal OB said since Sun/Monday which is to stay in bed except to go to the washroom. My OB came that evening, Wednesday night, and continued to agree with her original orders and agreed to speak to the unit staff. Well on Thursday morning, yesterday, the unit doctor again came and told me that it is ok to walk, that I do not need to stay in bed, that research does not support bed rest and that my activity will not impact my cervix.
i think that's bullshit.
even if it wasn't bullshit, why would i take the risk?
(and luckily, having a B.Sc. and a M.Sc, I know a thing or two about how research works, and all its flaws but I won't get into that....)
they believed in this so firmly that they moved me to a "hospitality suite" on a different floor where I no longer receive any medical attention whatsoever. I have to get my own meals, go down the street to see my OB at her office, wait in line with all the other patients for ultrasound and doctor, etc...
I didn't know these units existed. They are private, with some nice furnishings like a comfy, non-institutional-looking chair and lamp, photos on the wall, etc. I don't need to pay which is a huge, huge relief because the other room was costing $400/day. And now I will always be in close proximity to triage in case anything happens. I will stay here until 28 weeks.
but I am so worried about the moving. And yet I am so worried about not moving. Yesterday they were going to start me on a prophylactic dose of blood thinner injection. But then I was discharged. So now I constantly worry about blood clots, but I also constantly worry about moving too much!! It's terrible!
I also had to celebrate my birthday in hospital 2 days ago. When my family brought my son in, I kept commenting about how happy he seemed. My husband and father's response was "he's always this happy", to which I started questioning "am I forgetting my own son??". But it's always such a pleasure, so uplifting to see him. My beautiful, perfect bundle of joy.
My new digs:
The past few days have been very uneventful and at the same time very trying. I still to this day have not had any signs of early labour, and for that, I am forever grateful. The trying part is that I am still so conflicted about how much activity my body can take.
Starting on Wednesday (2 days ago), the unit doctors started telling me I should stay active, walk around, not stay in bed. This is totally conflicting with what my personal OB said since Sun/Monday which is to stay in bed except to go to the washroom. My OB came that evening, Wednesday night, and continued to agree with her original orders and agreed to speak to the unit staff. Well on Thursday morning, yesterday, the unit doctor again came and told me that it is ok to walk, that I do not need to stay in bed, that research does not support bed rest and that my activity will not impact my cervix.
i think that's bullshit.
even if it wasn't bullshit, why would i take the risk?
(and luckily, having a B.Sc. and a M.Sc, I know a thing or two about how research works, and all its flaws but I won't get into that....)
they believed in this so firmly that they moved me to a "hospitality suite" on a different floor where I no longer receive any medical attention whatsoever. I have to get my own meals, go down the street to see my OB at her office, wait in line with all the other patients for ultrasound and doctor, etc...
I didn't know these units existed. They are private, with some nice furnishings like a comfy, non-institutional-looking chair and lamp, photos on the wall, etc. I don't need to pay which is a huge, huge relief because the other room was costing $400/day. And now I will always be in close proximity to triage in case anything happens. I will stay here until 28 weeks.
but I am so worried about the moving. And yet I am so worried about not moving. Yesterday they were going to start me on a prophylactic dose of blood thinner injection. But then I was discharged. So now I constantly worry about blood clots, but I also constantly worry about moving too much!! It's terrible!
I also had to celebrate my birthday in hospital 2 days ago. When my family brought my son in, I kept commenting about how happy he seemed. My husband and father's response was "he's always this happy", to which I started questioning "am I forgetting my own son??". But it's always such a pleasure, so uplifting to see him. My beautiful, perfect bundle of joy.
My new digs:
Tuesday, 6 September 2016
steroid injections
I had my second and last dose of my steroid injection this morning at 3:15 am and thought i'd write my experience about it.
When I first heard about the injections, I read about other people's experiences with it first. Mostly I remember reading people say that the needle was in fact more painful than a regular needle, that it did sting afterwards for about 10 minutes, and that they had soreness for quite a while afterwards.
i asked about people's experiences in a forum about a week ago and received various responses:
- not painful, no side effects
- side effects of hot flashes, sweating for a couple of days, and sore at injection site but bearable
- hurt a bit more than most shots
- jitters and sleeplessness for several days
- kind of painful but not unbearable
- from "a person who fears needles", "it was literally just a shot". not particularly big needle. meds burned a little
- similar to progesterone shot
- worse than progesterone shot, burned the whole leg like a sting going through the whole thing.
- really painful but worth it
- burns for a few seconds afterwards. no side effects
so here was my experience with the celestone injections:
- day one was in the left buttock. it was not a painful needle going in but yeeeouch! I could feel the fluid go in, and then it did sting quite a bit for about 5 minutes. after that, it was like I never got the shot. The nurse said that it was a large volume and that's probably what causes it to be more painful than other needles. That night I was quite sleepless, only slept 3 hours and was very alert all day, couldn't nap
- day two was very different. right buttock. Barely felt the needle go in, and the nurse went slowly so i didn't really feel it go in much either. it was easy peasy! But again, some burning forabout 5 minutes, and then it was like i never got thee shot. Again, I couldn't fall asleep. The shot was around 3:15 am and i fell asleep by about 6:45 am however I do sleep very poorly, it does normally take me a long time to fall asleep, and I have been very sore from being in bed all the time, so all these factors come into play.
will see what sleep is like tonight, but i am certainly not feeling as alert as yesterday...
When I first heard about the injections, I read about other people's experiences with it first. Mostly I remember reading people say that the needle was in fact more painful than a regular needle, that it did sting afterwards for about 10 minutes, and that they had soreness for quite a while afterwards.
i asked about people's experiences in a forum about a week ago and received various responses:
- not painful, no side effects
- side effects of hot flashes, sweating for a couple of days, and sore at injection site but bearable
- hurt a bit more than most shots
- jitters and sleeplessness for several days
- kind of painful but not unbearable
- from "a person who fears needles", "it was literally just a shot". not particularly big needle. meds burned a little
- similar to progesterone shot
- worse than progesterone shot, burned the whole leg like a sting going through the whole thing.
- really painful but worth it
- burns for a few seconds afterwards. no side effects
so here was my experience with the celestone injections:
- day one was in the left buttock. it was not a painful needle going in but yeeeouch! I could feel the fluid go in, and then it did sting quite a bit for about 5 minutes. after that, it was like I never got the shot. The nurse said that it was a large volume and that's probably what causes it to be more painful than other needles. That night I was quite sleepless, only slept 3 hours and was very alert all day, couldn't nap
- day two was very different. right buttock. Barely felt the needle go in, and the nurse went slowly so i didn't really feel it go in much either. it was easy peasy! But again, some burning forabout 5 minutes, and then it was like i never got thee shot. Again, I couldn't fall asleep. The shot was around 3:15 am and i fell asleep by about 6:45 am however I do sleep very poorly, it does normally take me a long time to fall asleep, and I have been very sore from being in bed all the time, so all these factors come into play.
will see what sleep is like tonight, but i am certainly not feeling as alert as yesterday...
Monday, 5 September 2016
25 weeks + 3 - Readmission details
so this is the full story of what happened yesterday...
DS had gone to sleep already and DH and I were watching tv in bed. We kept hearing DS cough, so eventually, around 1030 pm DH went to bring him some water. As soon as he did, DS sat up and started crying, poor guy. Eventually I went to hold him in my lap while DH went to get him some milk. All of a sudden, i felt warm liquid between my legs - but he rarely pees out of his diaper.
I tell DH immediately. Either DS peed, or my water just broke.
being unsure, DH insists we go into the hospital. we get a few things ready in a panic (mostly diaper bag, a few books for DS, my phone charger).
we arrived at the hospital around 11:30 pm and explained what happened. I was checked. they took a sample of vaginal mucus and determined via microscopic inspection that it was not amniotic fluid. There were no signs that my water had broken. They said because of my history with a short cervix, they wanted to check it.
well this was the worst ultrasound. She didn't even ask me to empty my bladder first, which seems to be very routine. Then she made me undress with a sheet on top of me - she didn't leave the room. She inserted the probe and just left it there! She went back to her computer to do something, then back to the probe, then back to the computer. I was like WTF lady, can you remove this shit - no one else just lets it hang around inside me.
she was asking questions about what happened - I asked why she asked, and whether there were signs of something wrong. She said that the image was extremely different from the last. I asked about the actual cervix length and she kept giving vague answers like "it's more than 1 cm". I asked her countless times "WHAT IS THE ACTUAL MEASUREMENT". Eventually she said 4+cm of cervix but 2+ cm opened. I was baffled. I had no idea what this incompetent person was talking about.
luckily the on call high risk OB was more helpful. He confirmed that the length did decrease to less than 0.5 cm (I'm like what didn't the tech just say that, she obviously knew), and now it was very funneled/open. Thus they recommended steroid injections immediately and admission for monitoring until 28 weeks.
I met with my personal low risk OB's low risk OB colleague who agreed with the high risk OB's recommendations. So then i was admitted again.
by then, it was close to 2:30 am. DS was asleep on a bench with DH seated next to him. They went home. I waited around.
3:45 am or so, I got a room at labour and delivery because the antenatal unit was full. I received the steroid injection. I asked if it would hurt more than a regular needle? No? Oh but it did... only for 5 minutes though and then it was like it never happened.
And so it took me until close to 5 am to get some sleep. I woke up around 6:15 am, and 7 am, then eventually for good 8 am. I have been up since. Unable to sleep.
Thinking about this terrible situation. worried about every second, every off feeling.
and we wait again.
DH thinks we overdid it yesterday. We went to the mall where he pushed me in a wheelchair. DS sat on me a lot of the time, and at times I maneuvered the wheelchair with my feet or arms. maybe he's right.
we never found out if the fluid was DS peeing or some other fluid leaking out of me. Had that incident not happened, maybe I would still be home being overactive... who knows.
but we are back to taking each day at a time. Each moment at a time. Trying to reconsider what "happiness" is to me. What conditions are required for one to be "happy". And learning how to throw unrealistic ideals of "happy" out the window and realize what it truly takes to be happy.
I am so, so blessed to have such a beautiful family already. For now, I remain happy and grateful.
And I count the days.
DS had gone to sleep already and DH and I were watching tv in bed. We kept hearing DS cough, so eventually, around 1030 pm DH went to bring him some water. As soon as he did, DS sat up and started crying, poor guy. Eventually I went to hold him in my lap while DH went to get him some milk. All of a sudden, i felt warm liquid between my legs - but he rarely pees out of his diaper.
I tell DH immediately. Either DS peed, or my water just broke.
being unsure, DH insists we go into the hospital. we get a few things ready in a panic (mostly diaper bag, a few books for DS, my phone charger).
we arrived at the hospital around 11:30 pm and explained what happened. I was checked. they took a sample of vaginal mucus and determined via microscopic inspection that it was not amniotic fluid. There were no signs that my water had broken. They said because of my history with a short cervix, they wanted to check it.
well this was the worst ultrasound. She didn't even ask me to empty my bladder first, which seems to be very routine. Then she made me undress with a sheet on top of me - she didn't leave the room. She inserted the probe and just left it there! She went back to her computer to do something, then back to the probe, then back to the computer. I was like WTF lady, can you remove this shit - no one else just lets it hang around inside me.
she was asking questions about what happened - I asked why she asked, and whether there were signs of something wrong. She said that the image was extremely different from the last. I asked about the actual cervix length and she kept giving vague answers like "it's more than 1 cm". I asked her countless times "WHAT IS THE ACTUAL MEASUREMENT". Eventually she said 4+cm of cervix but 2+ cm opened. I was baffled. I had no idea what this incompetent person was talking about.
luckily the on call high risk OB was more helpful. He confirmed that the length did decrease to less than 0.5 cm (I'm like what didn't the tech just say that, she obviously knew), and now it was very funneled/open. Thus they recommended steroid injections immediately and admission for monitoring until 28 weeks.
I met with my personal low risk OB's low risk OB colleague who agreed with the high risk OB's recommendations. So then i was admitted again.
by then, it was close to 2:30 am. DS was asleep on a bench with DH seated next to him. They went home. I waited around.
3:45 am or so, I got a room at labour and delivery because the antenatal unit was full. I received the steroid injection. I asked if it would hurt more than a regular needle? No? Oh but it did... only for 5 minutes though and then it was like it never happened.
And so it took me until close to 5 am to get some sleep. I woke up around 6:15 am, and 7 am, then eventually for good 8 am. I have been up since. Unable to sleep.
Thinking about this terrible situation. worried about every second, every off feeling.
and we wait again.
DH thinks we overdid it yesterday. We went to the mall where he pushed me in a wheelchair. DS sat on me a lot of the time, and at times I maneuvered the wheelchair with my feet or arms. maybe he's right.
we never found out if the fluid was DS peeing or some other fluid leaking out of me. Had that incident not happened, maybe I would still be home being overactive... who knows.
but we are back to taking each day at a time. Each moment at a time. Trying to reconsider what "happiness" is to me. What conditions are required for one to be "happy". And learning how to throw unrealistic ideals of "happy" out the window and realize what it truly takes to be happy.
I am so, so blessed to have such a beautiful family already. For now, I remain happy and grateful.
And I count the days.
25 weeks + 3 - readmission
It's becoming a norm now that one moment, I am having a beautiful day with my boys and thinking how wonderful life is, and the next moment, everything is turned upside down. This seems to happen every week now.
I will write more later when I have a computer but here's the abbreviated version for now...
Last night I thought my water broke. We rushed to the hospital. Waters did not break but they checked my cervix just in case. 3 mm and open. Terrible.
I was admitted immediately.
It was the first time a doctor actually spoke of 'strict bedrest'. Up only for the washroom. Now I'm currently lying in Trendelenburg position, awaiting DH to bring me my belongings.
It is going to be a long next few weeks, if I am lucky enough to make it that long.
Right now im just feeling very down. thinking about how I used to be a productive, contributing human being. Now I feel like a faulty vessel for a fetus. Just waiting.
I will write more later when I have a computer but here's the abbreviated version for now...
Last night I thought my water broke. We rushed to the hospital. Waters did not break but they checked my cervix just in case. 3 mm and open. Terrible.
I was admitted immediately.
It was the first time a doctor actually spoke of 'strict bedrest'. Up only for the washroom. Now I'm currently lying in Trendelenburg position, awaiting DH to bring me my belongings.
It is going to be a long next few weeks, if I am lucky enough to make it that long.
Right now im just feeling very down. thinking about how I used to be a productive, contributing human being. Now I feel like a faulty vessel for a fetus. Just waiting.
Thursday, 1 September 2016
24 weeks + 5 - ultrasound update
Yesterday I was 24+4. We went back to the hospital for our weekly Wednesday check. No changes. 1.1 cm. Baby is now 1 pound, 9 ounces.
no news from the doctor. Just business as usual. "continue what you've been doing for the last week" was what someone had said. I guess that means to mimic hospital bedrest, pretty much. Interestingly, I asked my doctor how things would've went differently if this was my first pregnancy. She said I'd probably have a cerclage in, and I'd probably still be in the hospital. I was blown away, and definitely started feeling more paranoid. I asked if she thought we could still make it past 32 weeks. She said she still believed we could - I felt she was cautious in this statement. And even though I understand exactly why she was cautious, I understand how realistic and reasonable she is, it still made me feel badly that she could not be more confident about me making it past 32 weeks. Makes no sense at all, but I guess that's what hormones do. Makes the heart ignore the mind.
everyone seems quite pleased with the measurement remaining "stable". Last week was 0.9. But the week before that was 1.9. So in a week, I can drop 1 entire cm. That certainly doesn't feel stable to me, nor does it instil much hope.
I do feel pretty happy about reaching 25 weeks. It was my next mini goal after 24 week viability. I couldn't quite pinpoint why it was important to me to reach 25 weeks, but I realise now - it's because 24 weeks, although it is viability, it feels like baby is still so frail. 25 weeks is not far after that, but at least it is a full week after 24. Next goal is 28 weeks. That's when all the rules may change.
After 28 weeks, my doctor might have me possibly return to some activities. That sounds quite scary to me. That sounds too early. I'd feel more comfortable with 32 weeks. I think my doctor will be supportive.
but then again, work was a nice distraction. But I will not put baby at risk, if I get that far along.
It's such an odd feeling, and unfair to my baby, that I try not to identify with him/her, and try not to acknowledge him/her. It was easier in the beginning but now that baby kicks ALL THE TIME wildly, I can't help but feel the kicks and just think about how much I love that feeling. When DS was born, I actually missed the kicking. I realised later that what I missed was being so intimately close with him at every moment. When he was born, that was not longer. We had to be separated at times.
So I do enjoy the baby kicks, but we don't know gender, we don't have a name yet (but should work on that considering I'm a ticking time bomb), I don't daydream about baby or the nursery, I don't write little notes for this baby or haven't started a baby book - all things that I started very early on with DS. It's a little unfair, yes, but that is my way of coping. It would be heartbreaking if I started these things and there was no baby, or no child later who would be capable of reading or enjoying these things like my notes or a baby book.
It is so hard. If i make it to 32 weeks, I owe my baby lots of notes and I will be frantically starting up a baby book! and boy will I have a lot to say to him/her....
no news from the doctor. Just business as usual. "continue what you've been doing for the last week" was what someone had said. I guess that means to mimic hospital bedrest, pretty much. Interestingly, I asked my doctor how things would've went differently if this was my first pregnancy. She said I'd probably have a cerclage in, and I'd probably still be in the hospital. I was blown away, and definitely started feeling more paranoid. I asked if she thought we could still make it past 32 weeks. She said she still believed we could - I felt she was cautious in this statement. And even though I understand exactly why she was cautious, I understand how realistic and reasonable she is, it still made me feel badly that she could not be more confident about me making it past 32 weeks. Makes no sense at all, but I guess that's what hormones do. Makes the heart ignore the mind.
everyone seems quite pleased with the measurement remaining "stable". Last week was 0.9. But the week before that was 1.9. So in a week, I can drop 1 entire cm. That certainly doesn't feel stable to me, nor does it instil much hope.
I do feel pretty happy about reaching 25 weeks. It was my next mini goal after 24 week viability. I couldn't quite pinpoint why it was important to me to reach 25 weeks, but I realise now - it's because 24 weeks, although it is viability, it feels like baby is still so frail. 25 weeks is not far after that, but at least it is a full week after 24. Next goal is 28 weeks. That's when all the rules may change.
After 28 weeks, my doctor might have me possibly return to some activities. That sounds quite scary to me. That sounds too early. I'd feel more comfortable with 32 weeks. I think my doctor will be supportive.
but then again, work was a nice distraction. But I will not put baby at risk, if I get that far along.
It's such an odd feeling, and unfair to my baby, that I try not to identify with him/her, and try not to acknowledge him/her. It was easier in the beginning but now that baby kicks ALL THE TIME wildly, I can't help but feel the kicks and just think about how much I love that feeling. When DS was born, I actually missed the kicking. I realised later that what I missed was being so intimately close with him at every moment. When he was born, that was not longer. We had to be separated at times.
So I do enjoy the baby kicks, but we don't know gender, we don't have a name yet (but should work on that considering I'm a ticking time bomb), I don't daydream about baby or the nursery, I don't write little notes for this baby or haven't started a baby book - all things that I started very early on with DS. It's a little unfair, yes, but that is my way of coping. It would be heartbreaking if I started these things and there was no baby, or no child later who would be capable of reading or enjoying these things like my notes or a baby book.
It is so hard. If i make it to 32 weeks, I owe my baby lots of notes and I will be frantically starting up a baby book! and boy will I have a lot to say to him/her....
24 weeks + 6 - Home bedrest depression kicking in?
today is the start of Day 3 of being at home, on leave of absence from work, trying to in bed as much as possible. Despite Tues and Wed being quite busy (with taking my parents out on Tuesday before they left to go home) and being in the hospital all morning, and getting home only around 2 pm yesterday), I am already getting somewhat disenchanted/depressed about being at home doing "nothing". It's not that I have nothing to do, but I am finding myself reading all sorts of things online that are just making me more paranoid
My OB never actually said to stay in bed as much as possible. She just always says to be reasonable, and rest often, limit walking/standing/lifting. But with all the scary things that we've read, and with the very high relative risk of giving birth at any moment, DH and I don't want to take any chances, so he and I prefer that I be on bedrest as much as possible.
having found online support groups and having friends as supports is nice, but when I tell people my situation, people who are familiar with it keep telling me to stay put, do nothing - someone was even surprised I went home from hospital. Then there are questions like - why am I not on progesterone injections? Why no cerclage? Why not more, more, more precautions? It makes me feel more and more paranoid, pushes me to be more and more cautious.
I think that paranoia mixed with the fact that DH worked until 5 am this morning, and then had to get up with DS at 7am to take him to daycare, while I was completely useless, really bothered me. I just stayed in bed because I wanted to continue lying flat - which made me feel even more guilty and terrible about myself.
It was almost better in hospital because I didn't have to think about these sorts of things - didn't have to actually be exposed as much to how people around me are busy, while I sit around and do nothing. I didn't need loved ones to help me because the staff took care of everything. I didn't have a choice but to be doing nothing in the hospital. Here I see what I could have been doing, what I would have been doing....
I don't mean to be depressing, but i did want to be real, and share how I'm feeling... I hear it takes about a week to get used to bedrest. So we will see.
Even though i have thought of so many things that I want to do in the next few weeks, so many that I won't have time to do them all - all I really end up doing is reading things online that are apparently making me feel worse. So next few days my goal is to stay off facebook (my main source of "support" on incompetent cervix but also the main source of anxiety) and focus on the other things I've planned like reading, knitting, drawing, painting things for the new nursery.
My OB never actually said to stay in bed as much as possible. She just always says to be reasonable, and rest often, limit walking/standing/lifting. But with all the scary things that we've read, and with the very high relative risk of giving birth at any moment, DH and I don't want to take any chances, so he and I prefer that I be on bedrest as much as possible.
having found online support groups and having friends as supports is nice, but when I tell people my situation, people who are familiar with it keep telling me to stay put, do nothing - someone was even surprised I went home from hospital. Then there are questions like - why am I not on progesterone injections? Why no cerclage? Why not more, more, more precautions? It makes me feel more and more paranoid, pushes me to be more and more cautious.
I think that paranoia mixed with the fact that DH worked until 5 am this morning, and then had to get up with DS at 7am to take him to daycare, while I was completely useless, really bothered me. I just stayed in bed because I wanted to continue lying flat - which made me feel even more guilty and terrible about myself.
It was almost better in hospital because I didn't have to think about these sorts of things - didn't have to actually be exposed as much to how people around me are busy, while I sit around and do nothing. I didn't need loved ones to help me because the staff took care of everything. I didn't have a choice but to be doing nothing in the hospital. Here I see what I could have been doing, what I would have been doing....
I don't mean to be depressing, but i did want to be real, and share how I'm feeling... I hear it takes about a week to get used to bedrest. So we will see.
Even though i have thought of so many things that I want to do in the next few weeks, so many that I won't have time to do them all - all I really end up doing is reading things online that are apparently making me feel worse. So next few days my goal is to stay off facebook (my main source of "support" on incompetent cervix but also the main source of anxiety) and focus on the other things I've planned like reading, knitting, drawing, painting things for the new nursery.
Tuesday, 30 August 2016
24 weeks + 4 - hospital discharge
I had my 2nd in-hospital ultrasound yesterday. Measurements stayed stable between 0.9 to 1.1 cm. So I was discharged home last night.
The odd thing was that again, i applied fundal pressure, and it seemed that my cervix lengthened. She didn't bother to measure it though.
The disturbing part of yesterday was that I was told so much conflicting advice yesterday. Or so it felt to me.
The discharge forms say to pretty much replicate my activity in hospital - that would mean being in bed most of the day, not getting up to prepare meals, or do any cleaning whatsoever, do everything seated including brushing my teeth/wash my face etc. Whereas a nurse told me that I can do some like cooking and light cleaning, e.g. put something in the oven and sit down. I was told that I can go up/down stairs. No lifting.
The doctor there told me that I can walk around the block, do some light cooking.
My OB on the other hand has told me in the past to not walk farther than my mailbox or driveway which is very different from "Walk around the block".
A nurse in the past had told me to be on bedrest as much as possible basically. Stay horizontal when possible.
people online in forums and facebook seem to always say to do less, that bedrest works.
in the end, the bottom line, it's clear to me, is that the evidence for bedrest is inconclusive, or at worst, is even unsupported. It has to do with what is feasible and the amount of risk that I am comfortable with. I am so lucky to have a supportive husband who wants me to do as little as possible for the next month, the most crucial weeks - weeks 24 to 28, thus we will replicate my hospital stay as much as possible.
The odd thing was that again, i applied fundal pressure, and it seemed that my cervix lengthened. She didn't bother to measure it though.
The disturbing part of yesterday was that I was told so much conflicting advice yesterday. Or so it felt to me.
The discharge forms say to pretty much replicate my activity in hospital - that would mean being in bed most of the day, not getting up to prepare meals, or do any cleaning whatsoever, do everything seated including brushing my teeth/wash my face etc. Whereas a nurse told me that I can do some like cooking and light cleaning, e.g. put something in the oven and sit down. I was told that I can go up/down stairs. No lifting.
The doctor there told me that I can walk around the block, do some light cooking.
My OB on the other hand has told me in the past to not walk farther than my mailbox or driveway which is very different from "Walk around the block".
A nurse in the past had told me to be on bedrest as much as possible basically. Stay horizontal when possible.
people online in forums and facebook seem to always say to do less, that bedrest works.
in the end, the bottom line, it's clear to me, is that the evidence for bedrest is inconclusive, or at worst, is even unsupported. It has to do with what is feasible and the amount of risk that I am comfortable with. I am so lucky to have a supportive husband who wants me to do as little as possible for the next month, the most crucial weeks - weeks 24 to 28, thus we will replicate my hospital stay as much as possible.
Sunday, 28 August 2016
24 weeks + 2
i never could relate to people saying that every passing day is a blessing, but since 2 days ago, reaching viability, I understand how that has now become true. I am in a period now where I worry even more every moment about what life will look like if I went into labour. I am truly grateful for each passing day now that baby keeps cooking. Every day, getting stronger, and odds of complications diminishing.
I was thinking also on one hand, I am so lucky to be able to get paid (sick pay) for literally doing nothing, killing time. How could this not be everyone's dream, to get a good pay while doing nothing?
And on the other hand, this is such a hard time. There is so much to be done. And I cannot do it. I have to do nothing, rather than fulfill my role as a mother, and wife.
Yesterday I totally broke down. Worse than I have ever broken down in this journey. I'm not sure if it's the stress of entering the viability zone, or it was my first day of non-productiveness, because my leave of absence from work has officially begun, but I felt so completely and utterly helpless.
My parents have been helping out, but my father has gotten sick twice in the past 2 weeks. He is exhausted from taking care of my son, and he is disenchanted by the fact that we want to raise my son so differently from how my father raised my brother and I. My parents need to leave soon to take care of affairs at home and pick up medication a 6 hour drive away. Leaving everything for my partner to do. My father expressed some feelings of not wanting to be around, or so I felt, and yet I couldn't just tell them "well then just leave, we don't need your help". How could that be true? how could I possibly make that call for my partner? I am completely helpless. Putting everyone is such a horrible position. While here I lie. Literally doing nothing about anything.
I had a terrible night. I woke up with the feeling still lingering and started to cry immediately. I just wanted to stay unconscious. But I felt guilty about continuing to sleep, knowing that my family are busy taking care of things at home.
somehow I need to keep finding strength and positivity. This stress cannot be good for my situation.
But I am not in a good place right now.
I was thinking also on one hand, I am so lucky to be able to get paid (sick pay) for literally doing nothing, killing time. How could this not be everyone's dream, to get a good pay while doing nothing?
And on the other hand, this is such a hard time. There is so much to be done. And I cannot do it. I have to do nothing, rather than fulfill my role as a mother, and wife.
Yesterday I totally broke down. Worse than I have ever broken down in this journey. I'm not sure if it's the stress of entering the viability zone, or it was my first day of non-productiveness, because my leave of absence from work has officially begun, but I felt so completely and utterly helpless.
My parents have been helping out, but my father has gotten sick twice in the past 2 weeks. He is exhausted from taking care of my son, and he is disenchanted by the fact that we want to raise my son so differently from how my father raised my brother and I. My parents need to leave soon to take care of affairs at home and pick up medication a 6 hour drive away. Leaving everything for my partner to do. My father expressed some feelings of not wanting to be around, or so I felt, and yet I couldn't just tell them "well then just leave, we don't need your help". How could that be true? how could I possibly make that call for my partner? I am completely helpless. Putting everyone is such a horrible position. While here I lie. Literally doing nothing about anything.
I had a terrible night. I woke up with the feeling still lingering and started to cry immediately. I just wanted to stay unconscious. But I felt guilty about continuing to sleep, knowing that my family are busy taking care of things at home.
somehow I need to keep finding strength and positivity. This stress cannot be good for my situation.
But I am not in a good place right now.
Saturday, 27 August 2016
24 weeks + 1 - Officially on Leave of Absence
more and more confusion...
It is day 3 of my hospital admission. Now Saturday morning, and I have been here since very very early on Thursday morning.
Yesterday I had my first inpatient ultrasound. 1.1 cm without fundal pressure. no funneling. 1.1 cm with fundal pressure. What?
First of all, I guess it's good news that the measurement is "stable" compared to the last fundal pressure measurement from Wednesday, 2 days prior. But the non-fundal pressure measurement went from 1.9 to 1.1 cm in 2 days. Isn't that bad? Both the technician and my (most amazingly wonderful) OB said that I was stable, and they were very positive about the results.
I'm a bit confused. Almost 2 cm, and then drop to pretty much 1 cm in 1 week. Isn't that bad? Apparently we only care about the (properly applied) fundal pressure measurement though.
Is it bad I am enjoying my admission? Granted I feel terrible that my family have to do everything while I lay around with full service, now getting to enjoy my own leisure activities. All day Thursday and all day Friday I was working at max-stress levels (and constantly worried about the effects on my baby) because of all the work that comes with suddenly having to go off on leave. Usually it takes about a week to get work in order to go away for 1 week. Now I have to be away for 4 weeks, minimum, with only 2 days to prepare, and a student to finish precepting. I had a headache everyday, and yesterday I worked until about 8 pm.
so today is the true beginning of my leave of absence from work (even though I have a few things to finish on Monday and a colleague to speak to on Tuesday). I feel much more relaxed. I started listening to some podcasts/radio documentaries and working on my scrapbook/photo album. The staff bring me food and water, I have everything I need, a nicely lit private hospital room. Life is "good".
Am I allowed to feel like life is good? It seems unfair to my family. But then again, what can I do about it? everyone tells me to relax, take it easy, that that's what baby needs.
But of course being in the hospital means getting visitors like the NICU pediatrician. She came and gave me a long grocery list of possible complications that come with a premie baby. A good reminder to take care of myself now. So that I take care of the baby.
And I am so, so incredibly blessed to have such supportive family who understand this.
Tonight, I go out for the first time since Wednesday night - meeting friends for dessert!
It is day 3 of my hospital admission. Now Saturday morning, and I have been here since very very early on Thursday morning.
Yesterday I had my first inpatient ultrasound. 1.1 cm without fundal pressure. no funneling. 1.1 cm with fundal pressure. What?
First of all, I guess it's good news that the measurement is "stable" compared to the last fundal pressure measurement from Wednesday, 2 days prior. But the non-fundal pressure measurement went from 1.9 to 1.1 cm in 2 days. Isn't that bad? Both the technician and my (most amazingly wonderful) OB said that I was stable, and they were very positive about the results.
I'm a bit confused. Almost 2 cm, and then drop to pretty much 1 cm in 1 week. Isn't that bad? Apparently we only care about the (properly applied) fundal pressure measurement though.
Is it bad I am enjoying my admission? Granted I feel terrible that my family have to do everything while I lay around with full service, now getting to enjoy my own leisure activities. All day Thursday and all day Friday I was working at max-stress levels (and constantly worried about the effects on my baby) because of all the work that comes with suddenly having to go off on leave. Usually it takes about a week to get work in order to go away for 1 week. Now I have to be away for 4 weeks, minimum, with only 2 days to prepare, and a student to finish precepting. I had a headache everyday, and yesterday I worked until about 8 pm.
so today is the true beginning of my leave of absence from work (even though I have a few things to finish on Monday and a colleague to speak to on Tuesday). I feel much more relaxed. I started listening to some podcasts/radio documentaries and working on my scrapbook/photo album. The staff bring me food and water, I have everything I need, a nicely lit private hospital room. Life is "good".
Am I allowed to feel like life is good? It seems unfair to my family. But then again, what can I do about it? everyone tells me to relax, take it easy, that that's what baby needs.
But of course being in the hospital means getting visitors like the NICU pediatrician. She came and gave me a long grocery list of possible complications that come with a premie baby. A good reminder to take care of myself now. So that I take care of the baby.
And I am so, so incredibly blessed to have such supportive family who understand this.
Tonight, I go out for the first time since Wednesday night - meeting friends for dessert!
Thursday, 25 August 2016
23 weeks + 6 - hospital admission
almost to goal #1 of 24 weeks.
but it's been a rough week.
yesterday, 3 pm, feels like 3 weeks ago. For my weekly ultrasound, the tech told me to apply fundal pressure in a particular way this time. She said to push downward from the top of my belly as though I am pushing my baby out, in order to mimic the pressure placed on the cervix when i am standing. I've never gotten clear instructions like that before. I did that. Measurement? 0.9 cm.
what a big difference. From applying fundal pressure properly.
So my OB checked with the high risk OB on call. They decided I should be admitted for monitoring. The high risk OB thought I should stay a few weeks. my OB said stay until Monday. She said I could opt for staying at home but the problem would be scheduling the frequent ultrasounds between now and Monday. So we decided to play it safe, my OB had already compromised by recommending a few days in hospital, rather than a few weeks. So we went with that.
and then i started bawling. I have never been away from my son more than about 4-5 hours. And now I face my first night away from him.
My OB said to remember, you are giving him the best gift, a healthy sibling. She told me not to feel guilty.
I cried in the car on the way home.
He looked so happy when we arrived home. He was eating happily and rambling random things as usual. We all spent time together. My partner got him ready for bed, my father stayed with him to get him to sleep.
And off we went back to the hospital.
We arrived at 8:30 pm. Triage sent us to the Antenatal unit. The antenatal unit said they have no beds, they don't know who I am. They sent me back to triage. At Triage, we waited until around 11:30 pm before we were seen by a resident. They have a room for me. Went back to Antenatal, waited about 45 minutes for them to prepare a room. By 1 am, I was in my pyjamas, lying in bed, having blood drawn, vital signs checked. And then left to turn and turn and turn in the cold noisy hospital room alone until I fell asleep around 2 .
I was feeling guilty for being away from my son, for not being there for him, and I felt guilty for my family having to do so much in my absence, felt guilty that I am not able to pull my weight.
Other than that, I hate to admit it, but I kind of like being in the hospital. Of course I feel guilty about that too. But since being a baby, I have only been admitted in the hospital when I gave birth. People come and take care of you, they bring your food, clean up afterwards. It's so stress-free. I don't deserve this.
But my OB agreed to write a note for work stating I am going off work after Friday Aug 26. It gives me 2 full work days to tie up loose ends before being off for a full 4 weeks, at least.
So work was a damn shit show today. And will be a shit show x1000 tomorrow.
And then I rest another few days. If the measurements get worse, maybe I stay longer. If the measurements get better, maybe I go home earlier. We wait and see.
And wait, and wait....
Wednesday, 24 August 2016
Resources
Over time, I've found a few great resources. Here they are:
Facebook Support Groups:
- Incompetent Cervix Support Group
- Incompetent Cervix Awareness
Forum:
http://forum.keepemcookin.com/ - a forum focusing on preventing preterm birth
Youtube:
- no specific links, but when I have time, I like searching for Vlogs of other girls who were diagnosed with short/incompetent cervix.
These resources have helped so much in giving me answers and hope!
Facebook Support Groups:
- Incompetent Cervix Support Group
- Incompetent Cervix Awareness
Forum:
http://forum.keepemcookin.com/ - a forum focusing on preventing preterm birth
Youtube:
- no specific links, but when I have time, I like searching for Vlogs of other girls who were diagnosed with short/incompetent cervix.
These resources have helped so much in giving me answers and hope!
Saturday, 20 August 2016
23 weeks + 1
well it happened. I knew it would. The first of many.
I broke down. I cried today. I am sick of it already, even though I am relatively at the beginning of this long road ahead. I am sick of everyone having do everything for me. I feel so useless about needing help to get a glass of water because I'm not supposed to walk across the room if I don't have to. But most of all, I'm sick of not being able to participate in my son's life.
This morning, for the first time in a long time, he didn't yell "mommy!! mommy!!" excitedly when he heard me approach. He didn't even say it when I came into sight, or when I asked for a kiss, or gave him a bear hug. He just asked for his grandfather. In fact I don't think asked for me or showed excitement to see me once today.
My heart is broken.
I can't even go to the park with him even though it is only a 3-4 minute walk away. I considered driving and thought how ridiculous that might be. We went to the library but as soon as his grandfather walked away, my son went looking for him, and I became so nervous about the extra walking and standing.
And so the only thing left for me to be productive in is my work. And I'm getting more and more useless there too, soon that may even be stopping. Maybe just one more week. Then will things fall apart? Will I fall into yet a deeper depression?
What is worse for my unborn baby right now? is the movement creating a true risk of preterm labour? Or am i just putting myself through depression and the people around me through hell, when the risks are not real? What is the damage of all these negative feelings and resulting hormones on my unborn baby?
How long does it take a 21 month old to forget his mother?
I broke down. I cried today. I am sick of it already, even though I am relatively at the beginning of this long road ahead. I am sick of everyone having do everything for me. I feel so useless about needing help to get a glass of water because I'm not supposed to walk across the room if I don't have to. But most of all, I'm sick of not being able to participate in my son's life.
This morning, for the first time in a long time, he didn't yell "mommy!! mommy!!" excitedly when he heard me approach. He didn't even say it when I came into sight, or when I asked for a kiss, or gave him a bear hug. He just asked for his grandfather. In fact I don't think asked for me or showed excitement to see me once today.
My heart is broken.
I can't even go to the park with him even though it is only a 3-4 minute walk away. I considered driving and thought how ridiculous that might be. We went to the library but as soon as his grandfather walked away, my son went looking for him, and I became so nervous about the extra walking and standing.
And so the only thing left for me to be productive in is my work. And I'm getting more and more useless there too, soon that may even be stopping. Maybe just one more week. Then will things fall apart? Will I fall into yet a deeper depression?
What is worse for my unborn baby right now? is the movement creating a true risk of preterm labour? Or am i just putting myself through depression and the people around me through hell, when the risks are not real? What is the damage of all these negative feelings and resulting hormones on my unborn baby?
How long does it take a 21 month old to forget his mother?
Wednesday, 17 August 2016
22 weeks + 5
more bad news.
transvaginal ultrasound today: drop from 2.4 cm last week to 1.9 cm today.
(mind you it was the worst ultrasound I've had yet at the hospital, and I remember thinking about the technician 'oh I bet you're going to come up with some shitty number that I won't trust'; when i told my partner how shitty the technician was, he also independently said 'well then i don't even know if i would trust her measurement').
luckily we met with a great OB, it seemed. He didn't seem worried but did say the usual "you're off work right now, right? No? Ok well stop working as of today".
He made sure I was taken care of, walked me over to the OB covering for my doctor who is on vacation, made sure they were aware of my situation, made sure they wrote me a note indicating that i should be off work now (with the addition of "or working from home" after I pushed for it)
I don't know how many times I've had to go through this conversation... no, I am not on bedrest; yes, I feel like I can keep working. Thus I negotiated working from home.
so there goes another grip on normalcy.
Recently I have been having trouble concentrating or being effective or useful in any way outside of work. At work, I feel productive, I feel like I am using my brain. I feel useful. So there goes that down the toilet.
Last pregnancy, I ran and because I was being active, I ate better, and because everything was just dandy, I was ecstatically happy. I felt like I was doing everything right to give my baby a good head start.
Which makes me feel this time like the shittiest mother in the world to this baby that isn't even born yet and I don't even know if he/she will make it. I am already not listening to my body (which is screaming at me to be active), even though listening to my body has brought me to unimaginable places that have impressed the hell out of myself... So I feel like I am not taking care of myself physically by being so inactive, and I am so anxious/sad/disappointed, which is negatively affecting my unborn baby and all my loved ones around me. This is terrible.
But after speaking to so many people, everyone just urges me to stop working. Before, I was certain of my decision that I could keep working and it was not negatively impacting anything. I still have my doubts about the significance of a short cervix, and feel like I could've had a short cervix the last pregnancy, except no one felt the need to check. And so now with all the advice, the guilt is just piling on, and I'm thinking that if something happens to the baby, I now will in fact feel responsible, like I could've done something differently.
And so the decision as of now, is that I plan to stop working at the end of next week, when I am done supervising my student and covering for a vacationing colleague.
And then there goes my last grip of normalcy. Enter a dark world of bedrest and lack of activity and feelings of uselessness....
transvaginal ultrasound today: drop from 2.4 cm last week to 1.9 cm today.
(mind you it was the worst ultrasound I've had yet at the hospital, and I remember thinking about the technician 'oh I bet you're going to come up with some shitty number that I won't trust'; when i told my partner how shitty the technician was, he also independently said 'well then i don't even know if i would trust her measurement').
luckily we met with a great OB, it seemed. He didn't seem worried but did say the usual "you're off work right now, right? No? Ok well stop working as of today".
He made sure I was taken care of, walked me over to the OB covering for my doctor who is on vacation, made sure they were aware of my situation, made sure they wrote me a note indicating that i should be off work now (with the addition of "or working from home" after I pushed for it)
I don't know how many times I've had to go through this conversation... no, I am not on bedrest; yes, I feel like I can keep working. Thus I negotiated working from home.
so there goes another grip on normalcy.
Recently I have been having trouble concentrating or being effective or useful in any way outside of work. At work, I feel productive, I feel like I am using my brain. I feel useful. So there goes that down the toilet.
Last pregnancy, I ran and because I was being active, I ate better, and because everything was just dandy, I was ecstatically happy. I felt like I was doing everything right to give my baby a good head start.
Which makes me feel this time like the shittiest mother in the world to this baby that isn't even born yet and I don't even know if he/she will make it. I am already not listening to my body (which is screaming at me to be active), even though listening to my body has brought me to unimaginable places that have impressed the hell out of myself... So I feel like I am not taking care of myself physically by being so inactive, and I am so anxious/sad/disappointed, which is negatively affecting my unborn baby and all my loved ones around me. This is terrible.
But after speaking to so many people, everyone just urges me to stop working. Before, I was certain of my decision that I could keep working and it was not negatively impacting anything. I still have my doubts about the significance of a short cervix, and feel like I could've had a short cervix the last pregnancy, except no one felt the need to check. And so now with all the advice, the guilt is just piling on, and I'm thinking that if something happens to the baby, I now will in fact feel responsible, like I could've done something differently.
And so the decision as of now, is that I plan to stop working at the end of next week, when I am done supervising my student and covering for a vacationing colleague.
And then there goes my last grip of normalcy. Enter a dark world of bedrest and lack of activity and feelings of uselessness....
Saturday, 13 August 2016
exercise and other restrictions
it's so tough to go from exercising 3-4 times per week, to minimizing any movement whatsoever.
Before this, the longest I had gone without jogging, since I started jogging years ago, was 6 weeks. And that was from 38 weeks pregnant to 4 weeks post partum.
Now I am reaching a new record.
It's tough too because as much as I trust and believe in my OB 100%, my partner and I didn't get the sense that she knew much about what causes strain on the cervix. I really never understood why she said standing is worse than sitting upright, for example. She didn't seem to have a good explanation. My partner and I are logical people - almost to a fault. We are annoyingly logically. When we first started dating, we bonded over our common love for math. Our OB is also incredibly logical and rational, but for this question of mine, her answer felt very lacking.
it turns out that after lots of reading, it sounds like some people with a incompetent cervix are told they cannot sit more upright than at a 45 degree recline because it puts too much pressure on the cervix. This makes much more sense to me.
So while my OB has me on modified activities at work, I am still sitting all day. The only way, I have come to believe (whether evidence-based or not), that I will be avoiding strain from sitting is to sit reclined. so there I am at work. Now no longer completing my full duties, and slouched like a couch potato all day. Lookin' good.
I asked my doctor if I could do any exercises laying down or seated, to prevent atrophy, to maintain strength and encourage circulation. She told me I could do leg lifts, etc. When my partner asked if abdominal strain from leg exercises would put pressure on the cervix, again, she didn't seem to give a straight answer. It's something I haven't bothered to look up scholarly journals on. I did a quick google search and found almost nothing about what exercises can be done while on bedrest with shortened cervix. I think it's just an uncommon concern, considering the focus is to limit activity.
so every once in a while I get a little gutsy and start doing some leg lifts. Today I even had my son on my legs while I lifted him. But after a while, the paranoia kicks in again, and I give up.
So I think to myself - am I being cautious, or am I now just getting lazy?
Before this, the longest I had gone without jogging, since I started jogging years ago, was 6 weeks. And that was from 38 weeks pregnant to 4 weeks post partum.
Now I am reaching a new record.
It's tough too because as much as I trust and believe in my OB 100%, my partner and I didn't get the sense that she knew much about what causes strain on the cervix. I really never understood why she said standing is worse than sitting upright, for example. She didn't seem to have a good explanation. My partner and I are logical people - almost to a fault. We are annoyingly logically. When we first started dating, we bonded over our common love for math. Our OB is also incredibly logical and rational, but for this question of mine, her answer felt very lacking.
it turns out that after lots of reading, it sounds like some people with a incompetent cervix are told they cannot sit more upright than at a 45 degree recline because it puts too much pressure on the cervix. This makes much more sense to me.
So while my OB has me on modified activities at work, I am still sitting all day. The only way, I have come to believe (whether evidence-based or not), that I will be avoiding strain from sitting is to sit reclined. so there I am at work. Now no longer completing my full duties, and slouched like a couch potato all day. Lookin' good.
I asked my doctor if I could do any exercises laying down or seated, to prevent atrophy, to maintain strength and encourage circulation. She told me I could do leg lifts, etc. When my partner asked if abdominal strain from leg exercises would put pressure on the cervix, again, she didn't seem to give a straight answer. It's something I haven't bothered to look up scholarly journals on. I did a quick google search and found almost nothing about what exercises can be done while on bedrest with shortened cervix. I think it's just an uncommon concern, considering the focus is to limit activity.
so every once in a while I get a little gutsy and start doing some leg lifts. Today I even had my son on my legs while I lifted him. But after a while, the paranoia kicks in again, and I give up.
So I think to myself - am I being cautious, or am I now just getting lazy?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)