I had my second and last dose of my steroid injection this morning at 3:15 am and thought i'd write my experience about it.
When I first heard about the injections, I read about other people's experiences with it first. Mostly I remember reading people say that the needle was in fact more painful than a regular needle, that it did sting afterwards for about 10 minutes, and that they had soreness for quite a while afterwards.
i asked about people's experiences in a forum about a week ago and received various responses:
- not painful, no side effects
- side effects of hot flashes, sweating for a couple of days, and sore at injection site but bearable
- hurt a bit more than most shots
- jitters and sleeplessness for several days
- kind of painful but not unbearable
- from "a person who fears needles", "it was literally just a shot". not particularly big needle. meds burned a little
- similar to progesterone shot
- worse than progesterone shot, burned the whole leg like a sting going through the whole thing.
- really painful but worth it
- burns for a few seconds afterwards. no side effects
so here was my experience with the celestone injections:
- day one was in the left buttock. it was not a painful needle going in but yeeeouch! I could feel the fluid go in, and then it did sting quite a bit for about 5 minutes. after that, it was like I never got the shot. The nurse said that it was a large volume and that's probably what causes it to be more painful than other needles. That night I was quite sleepless, only slept 3 hours and was very alert all day, couldn't nap
- day two was very different. right buttock. Barely felt the needle go in, and the nurse went slowly so i didn't really feel it go in much either. it was easy peasy! But again, some burning forabout 5 minutes, and then it was like i never got thee shot. Again, I couldn't fall asleep. The shot was around 3:15 am and i fell asleep by about 6:45 am however I do sleep very poorly, it does normally take me a long time to fall asleep, and I have been very sore from being in bed all the time, so all these factors come into play.
will see what sleep is like tonight, but i am certainly not feeling as alert as yesterday...
Tuesday, 6 September 2016
Monday, 5 September 2016
25 weeks + 3 - Readmission details
so this is the full story of what happened yesterday...
DS had gone to sleep already and DH and I were watching tv in bed. We kept hearing DS cough, so eventually, around 1030 pm DH went to bring him some water. As soon as he did, DS sat up and started crying, poor guy. Eventually I went to hold him in my lap while DH went to get him some milk. All of a sudden, i felt warm liquid between my legs - but he rarely pees out of his diaper.
I tell DH immediately. Either DS peed, or my water just broke.
being unsure, DH insists we go into the hospital. we get a few things ready in a panic (mostly diaper bag, a few books for DS, my phone charger).
we arrived at the hospital around 11:30 pm and explained what happened. I was checked. they took a sample of vaginal mucus and determined via microscopic inspection that it was not amniotic fluid. There were no signs that my water had broken. They said because of my history with a short cervix, they wanted to check it.
well this was the worst ultrasound. She didn't even ask me to empty my bladder first, which seems to be very routine. Then she made me undress with a sheet on top of me - she didn't leave the room. She inserted the probe and just left it there! She went back to her computer to do something, then back to the probe, then back to the computer. I was like WTF lady, can you remove this shit - no one else just lets it hang around inside me.
she was asking questions about what happened - I asked why she asked, and whether there were signs of something wrong. She said that the image was extremely different from the last. I asked about the actual cervix length and she kept giving vague answers like "it's more than 1 cm". I asked her countless times "WHAT IS THE ACTUAL MEASUREMENT". Eventually she said 4+cm of cervix but 2+ cm opened. I was baffled. I had no idea what this incompetent person was talking about.
luckily the on call high risk OB was more helpful. He confirmed that the length did decrease to less than 0.5 cm (I'm like what didn't the tech just say that, she obviously knew), and now it was very funneled/open. Thus they recommended steroid injections immediately and admission for monitoring until 28 weeks.
I met with my personal low risk OB's low risk OB colleague who agreed with the high risk OB's recommendations. So then i was admitted again.
by then, it was close to 2:30 am. DS was asleep on a bench with DH seated next to him. They went home. I waited around.
3:45 am or so, I got a room at labour and delivery because the antenatal unit was full. I received the steroid injection. I asked if it would hurt more than a regular needle? No? Oh but it did... only for 5 minutes though and then it was like it never happened.
And so it took me until close to 5 am to get some sleep. I woke up around 6:15 am, and 7 am, then eventually for good 8 am. I have been up since. Unable to sleep.
Thinking about this terrible situation. worried about every second, every off feeling.
and we wait again.
DH thinks we overdid it yesterday. We went to the mall where he pushed me in a wheelchair. DS sat on me a lot of the time, and at times I maneuvered the wheelchair with my feet or arms. maybe he's right.
we never found out if the fluid was DS peeing or some other fluid leaking out of me. Had that incident not happened, maybe I would still be home being overactive... who knows.
but we are back to taking each day at a time. Each moment at a time. Trying to reconsider what "happiness" is to me. What conditions are required for one to be "happy". And learning how to throw unrealistic ideals of "happy" out the window and realize what it truly takes to be happy.
I am so, so blessed to have such a beautiful family already. For now, I remain happy and grateful.
And I count the days.
DS had gone to sleep already and DH and I were watching tv in bed. We kept hearing DS cough, so eventually, around 1030 pm DH went to bring him some water. As soon as he did, DS sat up and started crying, poor guy. Eventually I went to hold him in my lap while DH went to get him some milk. All of a sudden, i felt warm liquid between my legs - but he rarely pees out of his diaper.
I tell DH immediately. Either DS peed, or my water just broke.
being unsure, DH insists we go into the hospital. we get a few things ready in a panic (mostly diaper bag, a few books for DS, my phone charger).
we arrived at the hospital around 11:30 pm and explained what happened. I was checked. they took a sample of vaginal mucus and determined via microscopic inspection that it was not amniotic fluid. There were no signs that my water had broken. They said because of my history with a short cervix, they wanted to check it.
well this was the worst ultrasound. She didn't even ask me to empty my bladder first, which seems to be very routine. Then she made me undress with a sheet on top of me - she didn't leave the room. She inserted the probe and just left it there! She went back to her computer to do something, then back to the probe, then back to the computer. I was like WTF lady, can you remove this shit - no one else just lets it hang around inside me.
she was asking questions about what happened - I asked why she asked, and whether there were signs of something wrong. She said that the image was extremely different from the last. I asked about the actual cervix length and she kept giving vague answers like "it's more than 1 cm". I asked her countless times "WHAT IS THE ACTUAL MEASUREMENT". Eventually she said 4+cm of cervix but 2+ cm opened. I was baffled. I had no idea what this incompetent person was talking about.
luckily the on call high risk OB was more helpful. He confirmed that the length did decrease to less than 0.5 cm (I'm like what didn't the tech just say that, she obviously knew), and now it was very funneled/open. Thus they recommended steroid injections immediately and admission for monitoring until 28 weeks.
I met with my personal low risk OB's low risk OB colleague who agreed with the high risk OB's recommendations. So then i was admitted again.
by then, it was close to 2:30 am. DS was asleep on a bench with DH seated next to him. They went home. I waited around.
3:45 am or so, I got a room at labour and delivery because the antenatal unit was full. I received the steroid injection. I asked if it would hurt more than a regular needle? No? Oh but it did... only for 5 minutes though and then it was like it never happened.
And so it took me until close to 5 am to get some sleep. I woke up around 6:15 am, and 7 am, then eventually for good 8 am. I have been up since. Unable to sleep.
Thinking about this terrible situation. worried about every second, every off feeling.
and we wait again.
DH thinks we overdid it yesterday. We went to the mall where he pushed me in a wheelchair. DS sat on me a lot of the time, and at times I maneuvered the wheelchair with my feet or arms. maybe he's right.
we never found out if the fluid was DS peeing or some other fluid leaking out of me. Had that incident not happened, maybe I would still be home being overactive... who knows.
but we are back to taking each day at a time. Each moment at a time. Trying to reconsider what "happiness" is to me. What conditions are required for one to be "happy". And learning how to throw unrealistic ideals of "happy" out the window and realize what it truly takes to be happy.
I am so, so blessed to have such a beautiful family already. For now, I remain happy and grateful.
And I count the days.
25 weeks + 3 - readmission
It's becoming a norm now that one moment, I am having a beautiful day with my boys and thinking how wonderful life is, and the next moment, everything is turned upside down. This seems to happen every week now.
I will write more later when I have a computer but here's the abbreviated version for now...
Last night I thought my water broke. We rushed to the hospital. Waters did not break but they checked my cervix just in case. 3 mm and open. Terrible.
I was admitted immediately.
It was the first time a doctor actually spoke of 'strict bedrest'. Up only for the washroom. Now I'm currently lying in Trendelenburg position, awaiting DH to bring me my belongings.
It is going to be a long next few weeks, if I am lucky enough to make it that long.
Right now im just feeling very down. thinking about how I used to be a productive, contributing human being. Now I feel like a faulty vessel for a fetus. Just waiting.
I will write more later when I have a computer but here's the abbreviated version for now...
Last night I thought my water broke. We rushed to the hospital. Waters did not break but they checked my cervix just in case. 3 mm and open. Terrible.
I was admitted immediately.
It was the first time a doctor actually spoke of 'strict bedrest'. Up only for the washroom. Now I'm currently lying in Trendelenburg position, awaiting DH to bring me my belongings.
It is going to be a long next few weeks, if I am lucky enough to make it that long.
Right now im just feeling very down. thinking about how I used to be a productive, contributing human being. Now I feel like a faulty vessel for a fetus. Just waiting.
Thursday, 1 September 2016
24 weeks + 5 - ultrasound update
Yesterday I was 24+4. We went back to the hospital for our weekly Wednesday check. No changes. 1.1 cm. Baby is now 1 pound, 9 ounces.
no news from the doctor. Just business as usual. "continue what you've been doing for the last week" was what someone had said. I guess that means to mimic hospital bedrest, pretty much. Interestingly, I asked my doctor how things would've went differently if this was my first pregnancy. She said I'd probably have a cerclage in, and I'd probably still be in the hospital. I was blown away, and definitely started feeling more paranoid. I asked if she thought we could still make it past 32 weeks. She said she still believed we could - I felt she was cautious in this statement. And even though I understand exactly why she was cautious, I understand how realistic and reasonable she is, it still made me feel badly that she could not be more confident about me making it past 32 weeks. Makes no sense at all, but I guess that's what hormones do. Makes the heart ignore the mind.
everyone seems quite pleased with the measurement remaining "stable". Last week was 0.9. But the week before that was 1.9. So in a week, I can drop 1 entire cm. That certainly doesn't feel stable to me, nor does it instil much hope.
I do feel pretty happy about reaching 25 weeks. It was my next mini goal after 24 week viability. I couldn't quite pinpoint why it was important to me to reach 25 weeks, but I realise now - it's because 24 weeks, although it is viability, it feels like baby is still so frail. 25 weeks is not far after that, but at least it is a full week after 24. Next goal is 28 weeks. That's when all the rules may change.
After 28 weeks, my doctor might have me possibly return to some activities. That sounds quite scary to me. That sounds too early. I'd feel more comfortable with 32 weeks. I think my doctor will be supportive.
but then again, work was a nice distraction. But I will not put baby at risk, if I get that far along.
It's such an odd feeling, and unfair to my baby, that I try not to identify with him/her, and try not to acknowledge him/her. It was easier in the beginning but now that baby kicks ALL THE TIME wildly, I can't help but feel the kicks and just think about how much I love that feeling. When DS was born, I actually missed the kicking. I realised later that what I missed was being so intimately close with him at every moment. When he was born, that was not longer. We had to be separated at times.
So I do enjoy the baby kicks, but we don't know gender, we don't have a name yet (but should work on that considering I'm a ticking time bomb), I don't daydream about baby or the nursery, I don't write little notes for this baby or haven't started a baby book - all things that I started very early on with DS. It's a little unfair, yes, but that is my way of coping. It would be heartbreaking if I started these things and there was no baby, or no child later who would be capable of reading or enjoying these things like my notes or a baby book.
It is so hard. If i make it to 32 weeks, I owe my baby lots of notes and I will be frantically starting up a baby book! and boy will I have a lot to say to him/her....
no news from the doctor. Just business as usual. "continue what you've been doing for the last week" was what someone had said. I guess that means to mimic hospital bedrest, pretty much. Interestingly, I asked my doctor how things would've went differently if this was my first pregnancy. She said I'd probably have a cerclage in, and I'd probably still be in the hospital. I was blown away, and definitely started feeling more paranoid. I asked if she thought we could still make it past 32 weeks. She said she still believed we could - I felt she was cautious in this statement. And even though I understand exactly why she was cautious, I understand how realistic and reasonable she is, it still made me feel badly that she could not be more confident about me making it past 32 weeks. Makes no sense at all, but I guess that's what hormones do. Makes the heart ignore the mind.
everyone seems quite pleased with the measurement remaining "stable". Last week was 0.9. But the week before that was 1.9. So in a week, I can drop 1 entire cm. That certainly doesn't feel stable to me, nor does it instil much hope.
I do feel pretty happy about reaching 25 weeks. It was my next mini goal after 24 week viability. I couldn't quite pinpoint why it was important to me to reach 25 weeks, but I realise now - it's because 24 weeks, although it is viability, it feels like baby is still so frail. 25 weeks is not far after that, but at least it is a full week after 24. Next goal is 28 weeks. That's when all the rules may change.
After 28 weeks, my doctor might have me possibly return to some activities. That sounds quite scary to me. That sounds too early. I'd feel more comfortable with 32 weeks. I think my doctor will be supportive.
but then again, work was a nice distraction. But I will not put baby at risk, if I get that far along.
It's such an odd feeling, and unfair to my baby, that I try not to identify with him/her, and try not to acknowledge him/her. It was easier in the beginning but now that baby kicks ALL THE TIME wildly, I can't help but feel the kicks and just think about how much I love that feeling. When DS was born, I actually missed the kicking. I realised later that what I missed was being so intimately close with him at every moment. When he was born, that was not longer. We had to be separated at times.
So I do enjoy the baby kicks, but we don't know gender, we don't have a name yet (but should work on that considering I'm a ticking time bomb), I don't daydream about baby or the nursery, I don't write little notes for this baby or haven't started a baby book - all things that I started very early on with DS. It's a little unfair, yes, but that is my way of coping. It would be heartbreaking if I started these things and there was no baby, or no child later who would be capable of reading or enjoying these things like my notes or a baby book.
It is so hard. If i make it to 32 weeks, I owe my baby lots of notes and I will be frantically starting up a baby book! and boy will I have a lot to say to him/her....
24 weeks + 6 - Home bedrest depression kicking in?
today is the start of Day 3 of being at home, on leave of absence from work, trying to in bed as much as possible. Despite Tues and Wed being quite busy (with taking my parents out on Tuesday before they left to go home) and being in the hospital all morning, and getting home only around 2 pm yesterday), I am already getting somewhat disenchanted/depressed about being at home doing "nothing". It's not that I have nothing to do, but I am finding myself reading all sorts of things online that are just making me more paranoid
My OB never actually said to stay in bed as much as possible. She just always says to be reasonable, and rest often, limit walking/standing/lifting. But with all the scary things that we've read, and with the very high relative risk of giving birth at any moment, DH and I don't want to take any chances, so he and I prefer that I be on bedrest as much as possible.
having found online support groups and having friends as supports is nice, but when I tell people my situation, people who are familiar with it keep telling me to stay put, do nothing - someone was even surprised I went home from hospital. Then there are questions like - why am I not on progesterone injections? Why no cerclage? Why not more, more, more precautions? It makes me feel more and more paranoid, pushes me to be more and more cautious.
I think that paranoia mixed with the fact that DH worked until 5 am this morning, and then had to get up with DS at 7am to take him to daycare, while I was completely useless, really bothered me. I just stayed in bed because I wanted to continue lying flat - which made me feel even more guilty and terrible about myself.
It was almost better in hospital because I didn't have to think about these sorts of things - didn't have to actually be exposed as much to how people around me are busy, while I sit around and do nothing. I didn't need loved ones to help me because the staff took care of everything. I didn't have a choice but to be doing nothing in the hospital. Here I see what I could have been doing, what I would have been doing....
I don't mean to be depressing, but i did want to be real, and share how I'm feeling... I hear it takes about a week to get used to bedrest. So we will see.
Even though i have thought of so many things that I want to do in the next few weeks, so many that I won't have time to do them all - all I really end up doing is reading things online that are apparently making me feel worse. So next few days my goal is to stay off facebook (my main source of "support" on incompetent cervix but also the main source of anxiety) and focus on the other things I've planned like reading, knitting, drawing, painting things for the new nursery.
My OB never actually said to stay in bed as much as possible. She just always says to be reasonable, and rest often, limit walking/standing/lifting. But with all the scary things that we've read, and with the very high relative risk of giving birth at any moment, DH and I don't want to take any chances, so he and I prefer that I be on bedrest as much as possible.
having found online support groups and having friends as supports is nice, but when I tell people my situation, people who are familiar with it keep telling me to stay put, do nothing - someone was even surprised I went home from hospital. Then there are questions like - why am I not on progesterone injections? Why no cerclage? Why not more, more, more precautions? It makes me feel more and more paranoid, pushes me to be more and more cautious.
I think that paranoia mixed with the fact that DH worked until 5 am this morning, and then had to get up with DS at 7am to take him to daycare, while I was completely useless, really bothered me. I just stayed in bed because I wanted to continue lying flat - which made me feel even more guilty and terrible about myself.
It was almost better in hospital because I didn't have to think about these sorts of things - didn't have to actually be exposed as much to how people around me are busy, while I sit around and do nothing. I didn't need loved ones to help me because the staff took care of everything. I didn't have a choice but to be doing nothing in the hospital. Here I see what I could have been doing, what I would have been doing....
I don't mean to be depressing, but i did want to be real, and share how I'm feeling... I hear it takes about a week to get used to bedrest. So we will see.
Even though i have thought of so many things that I want to do in the next few weeks, so many that I won't have time to do them all - all I really end up doing is reading things online that are apparently making me feel worse. So next few days my goal is to stay off facebook (my main source of "support" on incompetent cervix but also the main source of anxiety) and focus on the other things I've planned like reading, knitting, drawing, painting things for the new nursery.
Tuesday, 30 August 2016
24 weeks + 4 - hospital discharge
I had my 2nd in-hospital ultrasound yesterday. Measurements stayed stable between 0.9 to 1.1 cm. So I was discharged home last night.
The odd thing was that again, i applied fundal pressure, and it seemed that my cervix lengthened. She didn't bother to measure it though.
The disturbing part of yesterday was that I was told so much conflicting advice yesterday. Or so it felt to me.
The discharge forms say to pretty much replicate my activity in hospital - that would mean being in bed most of the day, not getting up to prepare meals, or do any cleaning whatsoever, do everything seated including brushing my teeth/wash my face etc. Whereas a nurse told me that I can do some like cooking and light cleaning, e.g. put something in the oven and sit down. I was told that I can go up/down stairs. No lifting.
The doctor there told me that I can walk around the block, do some light cooking.
My OB on the other hand has told me in the past to not walk farther than my mailbox or driveway which is very different from "Walk around the block".
A nurse in the past had told me to be on bedrest as much as possible basically. Stay horizontal when possible.
people online in forums and facebook seem to always say to do less, that bedrest works.
in the end, the bottom line, it's clear to me, is that the evidence for bedrest is inconclusive, or at worst, is even unsupported. It has to do with what is feasible and the amount of risk that I am comfortable with. I am so lucky to have a supportive husband who wants me to do as little as possible for the next month, the most crucial weeks - weeks 24 to 28, thus we will replicate my hospital stay as much as possible.
The odd thing was that again, i applied fundal pressure, and it seemed that my cervix lengthened. She didn't bother to measure it though.
The disturbing part of yesterday was that I was told so much conflicting advice yesterday. Or so it felt to me.
The discharge forms say to pretty much replicate my activity in hospital - that would mean being in bed most of the day, not getting up to prepare meals, or do any cleaning whatsoever, do everything seated including brushing my teeth/wash my face etc. Whereas a nurse told me that I can do some like cooking and light cleaning, e.g. put something in the oven and sit down. I was told that I can go up/down stairs. No lifting.
The doctor there told me that I can walk around the block, do some light cooking.
My OB on the other hand has told me in the past to not walk farther than my mailbox or driveway which is very different from "Walk around the block".
A nurse in the past had told me to be on bedrest as much as possible basically. Stay horizontal when possible.
people online in forums and facebook seem to always say to do less, that bedrest works.
in the end, the bottom line, it's clear to me, is that the evidence for bedrest is inconclusive, or at worst, is even unsupported. It has to do with what is feasible and the amount of risk that I am comfortable with. I am so lucky to have a supportive husband who wants me to do as little as possible for the next month, the most crucial weeks - weeks 24 to 28, thus we will replicate my hospital stay as much as possible.
Sunday, 28 August 2016
24 weeks + 2
i never could relate to people saying that every passing day is a blessing, but since 2 days ago, reaching viability, I understand how that has now become true. I am in a period now where I worry even more every moment about what life will look like if I went into labour. I am truly grateful for each passing day now that baby keeps cooking. Every day, getting stronger, and odds of complications diminishing.
I was thinking also on one hand, I am so lucky to be able to get paid (sick pay) for literally doing nothing, killing time. How could this not be everyone's dream, to get a good pay while doing nothing?
And on the other hand, this is such a hard time. There is so much to be done. And I cannot do it. I have to do nothing, rather than fulfill my role as a mother, and wife.
Yesterday I totally broke down. Worse than I have ever broken down in this journey. I'm not sure if it's the stress of entering the viability zone, or it was my first day of non-productiveness, because my leave of absence from work has officially begun, but I felt so completely and utterly helpless.
My parents have been helping out, but my father has gotten sick twice in the past 2 weeks. He is exhausted from taking care of my son, and he is disenchanted by the fact that we want to raise my son so differently from how my father raised my brother and I. My parents need to leave soon to take care of affairs at home and pick up medication a 6 hour drive away. Leaving everything for my partner to do. My father expressed some feelings of not wanting to be around, or so I felt, and yet I couldn't just tell them "well then just leave, we don't need your help". How could that be true? how could I possibly make that call for my partner? I am completely helpless. Putting everyone is such a horrible position. While here I lie. Literally doing nothing about anything.
I had a terrible night. I woke up with the feeling still lingering and started to cry immediately. I just wanted to stay unconscious. But I felt guilty about continuing to sleep, knowing that my family are busy taking care of things at home.
somehow I need to keep finding strength and positivity. This stress cannot be good for my situation.
But I am not in a good place right now.
I was thinking also on one hand, I am so lucky to be able to get paid (sick pay) for literally doing nothing, killing time. How could this not be everyone's dream, to get a good pay while doing nothing?
And on the other hand, this is such a hard time. There is so much to be done. And I cannot do it. I have to do nothing, rather than fulfill my role as a mother, and wife.
Yesterday I totally broke down. Worse than I have ever broken down in this journey. I'm not sure if it's the stress of entering the viability zone, or it was my first day of non-productiveness, because my leave of absence from work has officially begun, but I felt so completely and utterly helpless.
My parents have been helping out, but my father has gotten sick twice in the past 2 weeks. He is exhausted from taking care of my son, and he is disenchanted by the fact that we want to raise my son so differently from how my father raised my brother and I. My parents need to leave soon to take care of affairs at home and pick up medication a 6 hour drive away. Leaving everything for my partner to do. My father expressed some feelings of not wanting to be around, or so I felt, and yet I couldn't just tell them "well then just leave, we don't need your help". How could that be true? how could I possibly make that call for my partner? I am completely helpless. Putting everyone is such a horrible position. While here I lie. Literally doing nothing about anything.
I had a terrible night. I woke up with the feeling still lingering and started to cry immediately. I just wanted to stay unconscious. But I felt guilty about continuing to sleep, knowing that my family are busy taking care of things at home.
somehow I need to keep finding strength and positivity. This stress cannot be good for my situation.
But I am not in a good place right now.
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