28 weeks

so many thoughts... so much gratitude. I wasn't sure I'd make it this far.

on Wednesday, Sept 21, at 27+5, I saw my OB, and had another u/s. 0.3 cm. That's the best I could hope for. No change in 2 and a half weeks. My OB said: the only question is how much longer you stay in the hospital, and I immediately asked if I go home. Funny, 2 weeks ago I was asking whether I could stay beyond 28 weeks. But by now I had had enough.

I went home immediately. Home sweet home. Home has never been so sweet. I have never in my life been away from home for 17 days (unless I was moving to a new home).

My first morning back, DS ran into the room happily while I was still in bed, just like he always had, just like I had never left. Except now, I discovered, he has learned to say "Mommy, Get up!". No more sleeping in like in the hospital!

Yesterday I was feeling quite low though for some reason. Possible reasons:
- Maybe because I went back to bed after DS went to daycare. Sleeping in always makes me feel badly about myself
- i was too isolated at the hospital, didn't have to talk to my family. Now I do, and little things they say irritate me
- my mom can be annoying. and I am around her more now (they are here from out of town helping out)
- maybe DH has been particularly stressed and irritable lately too.
- Mostly I believe it is this: at home i am constantly reminded of how useless/helpless I am.  I am totally dependent on my loved ones whom I've displaced and inconvenienced.


Or it's just I've been getting gradually more depressed, maybe it has nothing to do with returning home. I can't concentrate worth a shit these days. I can't meditate. I am not able to enjoy the present moment. I think i am getting progressively impatient and frustrated. At times I have the ludicrous thought that I want the baby to come because then some normalcy in my activities would resume. I wouldn't have to be so dependent. But then I want to give myself a good hard slap or five in my face for thinking such a selfish thought. Of course it would not be good for anyone long term if baby is born now and has any kind of disability from the extreme prematurity. But how to stay positive now?

Why am I not ecstatic that I have lasted this long when everyone was starting to severely doubt 2.5 weeks ago?? I am so ungrateful. I never thought in a million years I would get to this point and wish the journey would end here. And at the same time, of course I don't. How could I be so impatient? What an odd feeling, what odd thoughts. I've truly surprised myself.

I keep playing around with the numbers though. 12 weeks to due date but only 9 weeks to full term. Single digits. Sounds surmountable. But yet I have been on this journey for 9.5 weeks and it feels like an eternity, like I can bear no more. I am only half way through, is that all?? But going from 24-28 was such a huge milestone. It meant everything to me. That's maybe the problem. It meant too much. I have made it, and have to go on, still? How much more of this torturous journey? And yet of course it's wonderful that I made it another 4 weeks!! But I have to make it another 4… and then another….

I am not bored for a second but I am starting to feel so down about being unproductive, useless, helpless

....

ok, so most of that was written yesterday. I think the shock of returning home and realizing how useless I am has settled a bit. It was a huge contrast from being alone and managing alone for so long. But today, my mood returned to normal.

Yesterday I purchased a baby book and a daily planner to write daily notes to my baby. I had promised myself these gifts when I reached 28 weeks, because it would mean that baby would likely grow up to be literate. Before 28 weeks, I wasn't too sure and didn't want to face the disappointment...

I think being back with DS has really lifted my spirits. I see how much I missed him, remember how much joy he brings me.

But the anxiety is in full force. I worry about going into labour constantly. My next visit to L&D, I think baby will come. No more false alarms and being sent home, or being admitted for monitoring. I feel like my chances are up.

I also realized I am extremely allergic to my home! in the hospital I barely touched a kleenex in the whole time I stayed there. Now I am constantly sneezing, sniffly, ad blowing my nose and every single time, I worry about my cervix shortening, about baby falling out.... I worry when DS climbs up on me. I worry when I sit upright too long, I worry when I have to get up from low surfaces (which happens all the time at home apparently), and I worry when I have to go up/down the stairs. I don't know how much longer I can last like this... Only time will tell.

27 weeks + 2 - waiting

Still waiting. Still no changes. So I remain eternally grateful.

It is a little unbelievable that I've made it this far. 2 weeks ago I was being treated as though the baby would come in the next few days. I really jumped the gun in telling work I would not be back, and telling my doctor I want to stay in hospital as long as possible to prevent preterm labour.

Staff kept telling me I would stay here until 28 weeks and then there was no point in staying, but I wanted to stay.  I was so worried about baby coming any moment.

I feel quite differently now. Partly it is because I am further along, and have heard so many positive stories about kids being born between 27-28 weeks. I feel much more comfortable with the idea of baby coming now. I suppose because I am farther along, have been cooking baby another 2 weeks despite an almost non existent cervix (likely non existent by now), I feel a little more comfortable in getting up and moving around. I spend most of the day in reclined seated position in bed but I do walk around for the bathroom, to get water, and once per day I go downstairs for food. Big contrast from my initial arrival when I walked only to the washroom and stayed lying down at all times.

Secondly, I must just be getting stir crazy. I have been in The hospital for 2 full weeks now and I am missing my son. I see him about an hour daily but of course that's not the same as being at home.

I am even wondering if return to work in some modified fashion may be a possibility but I don't like the idea of dealing with added stress and luckily, neither does my supportive husband, however a decrease in pay is weighing on me. 3 more weeks of full pay and then there will be a decrease to 60%. But then again, will I make it another 3 weeks?

Weeks ago I said if I made it that far, I won't care about the money because I will be so happy that baby is still cooking. But that was when 30 weeks seemed unattainable. Now that it is a possibility , I guess I am being more realistic about my financial responsibilities.

I anxiously wait for Wednesday, 25 + 5. My next OB appointment. That day I find out my last cervix length measurement, and whether I get to go home, and the ongoing plan. I feel hopeful yet cautious. After all, most of my past appointments seem to have such devastating outcomes. How many times did I end up in the hospital after bad news from an appointment? Almost half the time? The other times, I seemed to just receive orders of more and more limited activity.

For now, I continue to focus my energy the same way that I have been doing for the past week and a half: lots of meditation and practising mindfulness, lots of appreciation for all the wonderful things and people in my life, the fact that we have made it this far. I am careful to consume mindfully and take care of myself physically, spiritually, and mentally. It's the only thing that would be right to do with all this extra time. I owe it to my loved ones as well as myself.

26 weeks + 1

I think, I hope, it's going to be quiet for a while.

my doctor came to see my yesterday night. She said that we will just wait and see. 

I told her my concerns about how I'll get to the other building to see her, and have to sit around and wait for an ultrasound and to see her at the office, as I usually lie down or sit very reclined right now, rather than sitting upright in chairs. She told me that can I skip this week and see her in 2 weeks, at 27+5 and do my last vaginal ultrasound for cervical check - there is not much purpose anymore. And I will stay in this "hospitality suite" in the hospital until 28 weeks. 

I am relieved because that means no doctors changing orders on me or finding new things wrong. I know what I need to do until 27+5, there will be no more scares of vaginal ultrasounds showing yet shorter cervix and me feeling helpless and anxious about it. 

For now, I just rest as much as possible while balancing getting up for circulation as I am not being put on prophylactic blood thinners. 

I feel at peace for now, and try to enjoy the present moment, every moment that my baby keeps cooking a little longer, and I am grateful that my cervix has held out 7.5 weeks already in this journey, and that my family and friends have been so supportive. 

26 weeks - transfer of hospital rooms

I can barely believe I made it to 26 weeks. What a journey thus far. It truly has been teaching me ongoing patience, and awareness of each passing moment. Since my diagnosis of a short cervix at about 18 and a half weeks, I have been painfully aware of each moment. It has been 7.5 weeks of living like that. And hopefully more weeks to come...

The past few days have been very uneventful and at the same time very trying.  I still to this day have not had any signs of early labour, and for that, I am forever grateful. The trying part is that I am still so conflicted about how much activity my body can take.

Starting on Wednesday (2 days ago), the unit doctors started telling me I should stay active, walk around, not stay in bed. This is totally conflicting with what my personal OB said since Sun/Monday which is to stay in bed except to go to the washroom. My OB came that evening, Wednesday night, and continued to agree with her original orders and agreed to speak to the unit staff. Well on Thursday morning, yesterday, the unit doctor again came and told me that it is ok to walk, that I do not need to stay in bed, that research does not support bed rest and that my activity will not impact my cervix.

i think that's bullshit.

even if it wasn't bullshit, why would i take the risk?

(and luckily, having a B.Sc. and a M.Sc, I know a thing or two about how research works, and all its flaws but I won't get into that....)

they believed in this so firmly that they moved me to a "hospitality suite" on a different floor where I no longer receive any medical attention whatsoever. I have to get my own meals, go down the street to see my OB at her office, wait in line with all the other patients for ultrasound and doctor, etc...

I didn't know these units existed. They are private, with some nice furnishings like a comfy, non-institutional-looking chair and lamp, photos on the wall, etc. I don't need to pay which is a huge, huge relief because the other room was costing $400/day. And now I will always be in close proximity to triage in case anything happens. I will stay here until 28 weeks.

but I am so worried about the moving. And yet I am so worried about not moving. Yesterday they were going to start me on a prophylactic dose of blood thinner injection. But then I was discharged. So now I constantly worry about blood clots, but I also constantly worry about moving too much!! It's terrible!

I also had to celebrate my birthday in hospital 2 days ago. When my family brought my son in, I kept commenting about how happy he seemed. My husband and father's response was "he's always this happy", to which I started questioning "am I forgetting my own son??". But it's always such a pleasure, so uplifting to see him. My beautiful, perfect bundle of joy.

My new digs:

steroid injections

I had my second and last dose of my steroid injection this morning at 3:15 am and thought i'd write my experience about it.

When I first heard about the injections, I read about other people's experiences with it first. Mostly I remember reading people say that the needle was in fact more painful than a regular needle, that it did sting afterwards for about 10 minutes, and that they had soreness for quite a while afterwards.

i asked about people's experiences in a forum about a week ago and received various responses:
- not painful, no side effects
- side effects of hot flashes, sweating for a couple of days, and sore at injection site but bearable
- hurt a bit more than most shots
- jitters and sleeplessness for several days
- kind of painful but not unbearable
- from "a person who fears needles", "it was literally just a shot". not particularly big needle. meds burned a little
- similar to progesterone shot
- worse than progesterone shot, burned the whole leg like a sting going through the whole thing.
- really painful but worth it
- burns for a few seconds afterwards. no side effects

so here was my experience with the celestone injections:
- day one was in the left buttock. it was not a painful needle going in but yeeeouch! I could feel the fluid go in, and then it did sting quite a bit for about 5 minutes. after that, it was like I never got the shot. The nurse said that it was a large volume and that's probably what causes it to be more painful than other needles. That night I was quite sleepless, only slept 3 hours and was very alert all day, couldn't nap
- day two was very different. right buttock. Barely felt the needle go in, and the nurse went slowly so i didn't really feel it go in much either. it was easy peasy! But again, some burning forabout 5 minutes, and then it was like i never got thee shot. Again, I couldn't fall asleep. The shot was around 3:15 am and i fell asleep by about 6:45 am however I do sleep very poorly, it does normally take me a long time to fall asleep, and I have been very sore from being in bed all the time, so all these factors come into play.

will see what sleep is like tonight, but i am certainly not feeling as alert as yesterday...

25 weeks + 3 - Readmission details

so this is the full story of what happened yesterday...

DS had gone to sleep already and DH and I were watching tv in bed. We kept hearing DS cough, so eventually, around 1030 pm DH went to bring him some water. As soon as he did, DS sat up and started crying, poor guy. Eventually I went to hold him in my lap while DH went to get him some milk. All of a sudden, i felt warm liquid between my legs - but he rarely pees out of his diaper.

I tell DH immediately. Either DS peed, or my water just broke.

being unsure, DH insists we go into the hospital. we get a few things ready in a panic (mostly diaper bag, a few books for DS, my phone charger).

we arrived at the hospital around 11:30 pm and explained what happened. I was checked. they took a sample of vaginal mucus and determined via microscopic inspection that it was not amniotic fluid. There were no signs that my water had broken. They said because of my history with a short cervix, they wanted to check it.

well this was the worst ultrasound. She didn't even ask me to empty my bladder first, which seems to be very routine. Then she made me undress with a sheet on top of me - she didn't leave the room. She inserted the probe and just left it there! She went back to her computer to do something, then back to the probe, then back to the computer. I was like WTF lady, can you remove this shit - no one else just lets it hang around inside me.

she was asking questions about what happened - I asked why she asked, and whether there were signs of something wrong. She said that the image was extremely different from the last. I asked about the actual cervix length and she kept giving vague answers like "it's more than 1 cm". I asked her countless times "WHAT IS THE ACTUAL MEASUREMENT". Eventually she said 4+cm of cervix but 2+ cm opened. I was baffled. I had no idea what this incompetent person was talking about.

luckily the on call high risk OB was more helpful. He confirmed that the length did decrease to less than 0.5 cm (I'm like what didn't the tech just say that, she obviously knew), and now it was very funneled/open. Thus they recommended steroid injections immediately and admission for monitoring until 28 weeks.

I met with my personal low risk OB's low risk OB colleague who agreed with the high risk OB's recommendations. So then i was admitted again.

by then, it was close to 2:30 am. DS was asleep on a bench with DH seated next to him. They went home. I waited around.

3:45 am or so, I got a room at labour and delivery because the antenatal unit was full. I received the steroid injection. I asked if it would hurt more than a regular needle? No? Oh but it did... only for 5 minutes though and then it was like it never happened.

And so it took me until close to 5 am to get some sleep. I woke up around 6:15 am, and 7 am, then eventually for good 8 am. I have been up since. Unable to sleep.

Thinking about this terrible situation. worried about every second, every off feeling.

and we wait again.

DH thinks we overdid it yesterday. We went to the mall where he pushed me in a wheelchair. DS sat on me a lot of the time, and at times I maneuvered the wheelchair with my feet or arms. maybe he's right.

we never found out if the fluid was DS peeing or some other fluid leaking out of me. Had that incident not happened, maybe I would still be home being overactive... who knows.

but we are back to taking each day at a time. Each moment at a time. Trying to reconsider what "happiness" is to me. What conditions are required for one to be "happy". And learning how to throw unrealistic ideals of "happy" out the window and realize what it truly takes to be happy.

I am so, so blessed to have such a beautiful family already. For now, I remain happy and grateful.

And I count the days.

25 weeks + 3 - readmission

It's becoming a norm now that one moment, I am having a beautiful day with my boys and thinking how wonderful life is, and the next moment, everything is turned upside down. This seems to happen every week now.

I will write more later when I have a computer but here's the abbreviated version for now...

Last night I thought my water broke. We rushed to the hospital. Waters did not break but they checked my cervix just in case. 3 mm and open. Terrible.

I was admitted immediately.

It was the first time a doctor actually spoke of 'strict bedrest'. Up only for the washroom. Now I'm currently lying in Trendelenburg position, awaiting DH to bring me my belongings.

It is going to be a long next few weeks, if I am lucky enough to make it that long.

Right now im just feeling very down. thinking about how I used to be a productive, contributing human being. Now I feel like a faulty vessel for a fetus. Just waiting.

24 weeks + 5 - ultrasound update

Yesterday I was 24+4. We went back to the hospital for our weekly Wednesday check. No changes. 1.1 cm. Baby is now 1 pound, 9 ounces.

no news from the doctor. Just business as usual. "continue what you've been doing for the last week" was what someone had said. I guess that means to mimic hospital bedrest, pretty much.  Interestingly, I asked my doctor how things would've went differently if this was my first pregnancy. She said I'd probably have a cerclage in, and I'd probably still be in the hospital. I was blown away, and definitely started feeling more paranoid. I asked if she thought we could still make it past 32 weeks. She said she still believed we could - I felt she was cautious in this statement. And even though I understand exactly why she was cautious, I understand how realistic and reasonable she is, it still made me feel badly that she could not be more confident about me making it past 32 weeks. Makes no sense at all, but I guess that's what hormones do. Makes the heart ignore the mind.

everyone seems quite pleased with the measurement remaining "stable". Last week was 0.9. But the week before that was 1.9. So in a week, I can drop 1 entire cm. That certainly doesn't feel stable to me, nor does it instil much hope.

I do feel pretty happy about reaching 25 weeks. It was my next mini goal after 24 week viability. I couldn't quite pinpoint why it was important to me to reach 25 weeks, but I realise now - it's because 24 weeks, although it is viability, it feels like baby is still so frail. 25 weeks is not far after that, but at least it is a full week after 24. Next goal is 28 weeks. That's when all the rules may change.

After 28 weeks, my doctor might have me possibly return to some activities. That sounds quite scary to me. That sounds too early. I'd feel more comfortable with 32 weeks. I think my doctor will be supportive.

but then again, work was a nice distraction. But I will not put baby at risk, if I get that far along.

It's such an odd feeling, and unfair to my baby, that I try not to identify with him/her, and try not to acknowledge him/her. It was easier in the beginning but now that baby kicks ALL THE TIME wildly, I can't help but feel the kicks and just think about how much I love that feeling. When DS was born, I actually missed the kicking. I realised later that what I missed was being so intimately close with him at every moment. When he was born, that was not longer.  We had to be separated at times.

So I do enjoy the baby kicks, but we don't know gender, we don't have a name yet (but should work on that considering I'm a ticking time bomb), I don't daydream about baby or the nursery, I don't write little notes for this baby or haven't started a baby book - all things that I started very early on with DS. It's a little unfair, yes, but that is my way of coping. It would be heartbreaking if I started these things and there was no baby, or no child later who would be capable of reading or enjoying these things like my notes or a baby book.

It is so hard. If i make it to 32 weeks, I owe my baby lots of notes and I will be frantically starting up a baby book! and boy will I have a lot to say to him/her....

24 weeks + 6 - Home bedrest depression kicking in?

today is the start of Day 3 of being at home, on leave of absence from work, trying to in bed as much as possible. Despite Tues and Wed being quite busy (with taking my parents out on Tuesday before they left to go home) and being in the hospital all morning, and getting home only around 2 pm yesterday), I am already getting somewhat disenchanted/depressed about being at home doing "nothing". It's not that I have nothing to do, but I am finding myself reading all sorts of things online that are just making me more paranoid

My OB never actually said to stay in bed as much as possible. She just always says to be reasonable, and rest often, limit walking/standing/lifting. But with all the scary things that we've read, and with the very high relative risk of giving birth at any moment, DH and I don't want to take any chances, so he and I prefer that I be on bedrest as much as possible.

having found online support groups and having friends as supports is nice, but when I tell people my situation, people who are familiar with it keep telling me to stay put, do nothing - someone was even surprised I went home from hospital. Then there are questions like - why am I not on progesterone injections? Why no cerclage? Why not more, more, more precautions? It makes me feel more and more paranoid, pushes me to be more and more cautious.

I think that paranoia mixed with the fact that DH worked until 5 am this morning, and then had to get up with DS at 7am to take him to daycare, while I was completely useless, really bothered me. I just stayed in bed because I wanted to continue lying flat - which made me feel even more guilty and terrible about myself.

It was almost better in hospital because I didn't have to think about these sorts of things - didn't have to actually be exposed as much to how people around me are busy, while I sit around and do nothing. I didn't need loved ones to help me because the staff took care of everything. I didn't have a choice but to be doing nothing in the hospital. Here I see what I could have been doing, what I would have been doing....

I don't mean to be depressing, but i did want to be real, and share how I'm feeling... I hear it takes about a week to get used to bedrest. So we will see.

Even though i have thought of so many things that I want to do in the next few weeks, so many that I won't have time to do them all - all I really end up doing is reading things online that are apparently making me feel worse. So next few days my goal is to stay off facebook (my main source of "support" on incompetent cervix but also the main source of anxiety) and focus on the other things I've planned like reading, knitting, drawing, painting things for the new nursery.