28 weeks

so many thoughts... so much gratitude. I wasn't sure I'd make it this far.

on Wednesday, Sept 21, at 27+5, I saw my OB, and had another u/s. 0.3 cm. That's the best I could hope for. No change in 2 and a half weeks. My OB said: the only question is how much longer you stay in the hospital, and I immediately asked if I go home. Funny, 2 weeks ago I was asking whether I could stay beyond 28 weeks. But by now I had had enough.

I went home immediately. Home sweet home. Home has never been so sweet. I have never in my life been away from home for 17 days (unless I was moving to a new home).

My first morning back, DS ran into the room happily while I was still in bed, just like he always had, just like I had never left. Except now, I discovered, he has learned to say "Mommy, Get up!". No more sleeping in like in the hospital!

Yesterday I was feeling quite low though for some reason. Possible reasons:
- Maybe because I went back to bed after DS went to daycare. Sleeping in always makes me feel badly about myself
- i was too isolated at the hospital, didn't have to talk to my family. Now I do, and little things they say irritate me
- my mom can be annoying. and I am around her more now (they are here from out of town helping out)
- maybe DH has been particularly stressed and irritable lately too.
- Mostly I believe it is this: at home i am constantly reminded of how useless/helpless I am.  I am totally dependent on my loved ones whom I've displaced and inconvenienced.


Or it's just I've been getting gradually more depressed, maybe it has nothing to do with returning home. I can't concentrate worth a shit these days. I can't meditate. I am not able to enjoy the present moment. I think i am getting progressively impatient and frustrated. At times I have the ludicrous thought that I want the baby to come because then some normalcy in my activities would resume. I wouldn't have to be so dependent. But then I want to give myself a good hard slap or five in my face for thinking such a selfish thought. Of course it would not be good for anyone long term if baby is born now and has any kind of disability from the extreme prematurity. But how to stay positive now?

Why am I not ecstatic that I have lasted this long when everyone was starting to severely doubt 2.5 weeks ago?? I am so ungrateful. I never thought in a million years I would get to this point and wish the journey would end here. And at the same time, of course I don't. How could I be so impatient? What an odd feeling, what odd thoughts. I've truly surprised myself.

I keep playing around with the numbers though. 12 weeks to due date but only 9 weeks to full term. Single digits. Sounds surmountable. But yet I have been on this journey for 9.5 weeks and it feels like an eternity, like I can bear no more. I am only half way through, is that all?? But going from 24-28 was such a huge milestone. It meant everything to me. That's maybe the problem. It meant too much. I have made it, and have to go on, still? How much more of this torturous journey? And yet of course it's wonderful that I made it another 4 weeks!! But I have to make it another 4… and then another….

I am not bored for a second but I am starting to feel so down about being unproductive, useless, helpless

....

ok, so most of that was written yesterday. I think the shock of returning home and realizing how useless I am has settled a bit. It was a huge contrast from being alone and managing alone for so long. But today, my mood returned to normal.

Yesterday I purchased a baby book and a daily planner to write daily notes to my baby. I had promised myself these gifts when I reached 28 weeks, because it would mean that baby would likely grow up to be literate. Before 28 weeks, I wasn't too sure and didn't want to face the disappointment...

I think being back with DS has really lifted my spirits. I see how much I missed him, remember how much joy he brings me.

But the anxiety is in full force. I worry about going into labour constantly. My next visit to L&D, I think baby will come. No more false alarms and being sent home, or being admitted for monitoring. I feel like my chances are up.

I also realized I am extremely allergic to my home! in the hospital I barely touched a kleenex in the whole time I stayed there. Now I am constantly sneezing, sniffly, ad blowing my nose and every single time, I worry about my cervix shortening, about baby falling out.... I worry when DS climbs up on me. I worry when I sit upright too long, I worry when I have to get up from low surfaces (which happens all the time at home apparently), and I worry when I have to go up/down the stairs. I don't know how much longer I can last like this... Only time will tell.