not much to update on. And I don't think anyone's reading this blog, so it's tough to keep up with updates!
Saw my OB last week and she wants me to start being a little bit more active. I already have been, walking up/down the stairs quite frequently throughout the day, and taking more and more risks. So I'll just keep it up.
the most interesting part of the appointment was that my OB wants to start doing checks around 36 weeks. usually she would start at 38 weeks, and I am personally against poking around without purpose ("if it ain't broke, don't fix it" or don't go looking for things to fix) but she wants to see if I am dilated and possibly induce to ensure I cam deliver in the hospital instead of at home, as she thinks I will labour extremely quickly!
We'll talk about it some more.. that's if I make it that far. But really hoping I won't need to be induced...
Monday 24 October 2016
Tuesday 11 October 2016
30 weeks + 4
My latest OB appointment took place at 29+5. It was pretty uneventful. A few notable things:
- by 32 weeks, my OB would like me to start being a little bit more active, walk a little bit more, in order to minimize muscle deconditioning.
- She was very hopeful and said that she thinks I can make it to full term!This is a stark contrast from the last time we talked about this; she was very realistic in saying that there was a high chance of delivering early, before 32 weeks, but it was still possible to go to full term. She may have said kind of 50-50% chances. But at 29+5, she was very positive, very excited about my progress!
- we re-tested my urine - found out today, no infection!
- last ultrasound scheduled around 34 weeks
- I learned that up until 34-35 weeks, I will need to deliver in the operating room in case baby needs to be resuscitated.
something silly I should mention is that i've been wearing panty liners constantly since starting progesterone. I've read over and over again that other women do this too, so I didn't think anything of it. Well, my OB pointed out that the liners may be contributing to infections (I've always been very prone to them anyway), and I have in fact had to have 2 rounds of antibiotics due to infection found in my urine during this pregnancy. I stopped using panty liners altogether and even learned that I really don't need them during the day anyway. Plus, not using a panty liner makes it easier to monitor for slow leaks in amniotic fluid which is one of my greatest fears.
About increasing activity starting at 32 weeks, I'm a bit hesitant about this. While I feel so much better making it past 30 weeks, and feel so good about how baby will do if baby were to come any moment now, I still want to avoid NICU time altogether if possible. I have a hard time accepting that I may be increasing activity and risking early labour when it can be prevented. The idea of having a baby born and whisked away to NICU immediately just breaks my heart. I want the same experience as last time... immediate skin-to-skin, baby was never more than 2 metres away from my, immediate breastfeeding. I still have a lot of anxiety about how everything will go if baby has to be resuscitated or go to NICU instead....
I have also been wondering about what to pack in my hospital bag. I've packed only for myself, because don't babies not wear clothing while in NICU? Do they provide diapers? i've been told NICU does. Even if enough for just 1 day, which would give DH enough time to pick up what is needed.
But will I show up at labour and delivery and be judged for packing a bag for myself and not baby?
I just feel like packing too much will make me attach myself to the idea of baby coming early. I am trying to stay positive and believe that we can still make it farther. But I know I need to be realistic too...
I keep recalculating and rethinking the numbers these days. I think I've gotten to the point where it's become motivating rather than discouraging. To think, there's only about 6 weeks left until FULL TERM! (And really, I'm just aiming for 36 weeks for the time being) That sounds like 'nothing', especially compared to the 12 weeks that have gone by, 3+ weeks of hospitalization, during which I am worried every moment about going into labour. I am hoping the next 6 weeks pass by more quickly, as there will be so much to be positive about.
- 32 weeks has been my next goal, and it doesn't feel that far away anymore.
- at 33 weeks, I hope to take my son trick-or-treating (pushed in a wheelchair by my parents)
- By 34-35 weeks, I may not need to deliver in the operating room anymore
- By 35-36 weeks, we are celebrating my son's 2nd birthday!
- By 36 weeks, my OB wants me to resume regular activities! Maybe I will get to lift my son and take him to the park!
With Halloween, and my son's birthday coming up, I feel so excited about the upcoming month.
And to think, in exactly 1 month from today, I will be 35 weeks pregnant. I will feel already as though I've beat this thing. For once, one month feels like a real possibility.
something else to feel positive about... although this is my first week of decreased pay (week #7 of being off work), we just found out that DH has likely been promoted at work!
Overall things are pretty uneventful these days - and for this, I am grateful. I am just so, so grateful with every day that passes, and feeling more hope that things will be ok, regardless of the outcome. I've read endless positive and hopeful stories on the facebook groups that have helped me keep my sanity - stories about preemie babies, stories about going full term. Staying realistic though, I'm mentally preparing for labour by reading labouring books, including reading on hypnotherapy, and getting used to planning as though baby can come any moment. But I think everything is going to be ok. And I am so excited to meet little one in the upcoming weeks.
- by 32 weeks, my OB would like me to start being a little bit more active, walk a little bit more, in order to minimize muscle deconditioning.
- She was very hopeful and said that she thinks I can make it to full term!This is a stark contrast from the last time we talked about this; she was very realistic in saying that there was a high chance of delivering early, before 32 weeks, but it was still possible to go to full term. She may have said kind of 50-50% chances. But at 29+5, she was very positive, very excited about my progress!
- we re-tested my urine - found out today, no infection!
- last ultrasound scheduled around 34 weeks
- I learned that up until 34-35 weeks, I will need to deliver in the operating room in case baby needs to be resuscitated.
something silly I should mention is that i've been wearing panty liners constantly since starting progesterone. I've read over and over again that other women do this too, so I didn't think anything of it. Well, my OB pointed out that the liners may be contributing to infections (I've always been very prone to them anyway), and I have in fact had to have 2 rounds of antibiotics due to infection found in my urine during this pregnancy. I stopped using panty liners altogether and even learned that I really don't need them during the day anyway. Plus, not using a panty liner makes it easier to monitor for slow leaks in amniotic fluid which is one of my greatest fears.
About increasing activity starting at 32 weeks, I'm a bit hesitant about this. While I feel so much better making it past 30 weeks, and feel so good about how baby will do if baby were to come any moment now, I still want to avoid NICU time altogether if possible. I have a hard time accepting that I may be increasing activity and risking early labour when it can be prevented. The idea of having a baby born and whisked away to NICU immediately just breaks my heart. I want the same experience as last time... immediate skin-to-skin, baby was never more than 2 metres away from my, immediate breastfeeding. I still have a lot of anxiety about how everything will go if baby has to be resuscitated or go to NICU instead....
I have also been wondering about what to pack in my hospital bag. I've packed only for myself, because don't babies not wear clothing while in NICU? Do they provide diapers? i've been told NICU does. Even if enough for just 1 day, which would give DH enough time to pick up what is needed.
But will I show up at labour and delivery and be judged for packing a bag for myself and not baby?
I just feel like packing too much will make me attach myself to the idea of baby coming early. I am trying to stay positive and believe that we can still make it farther. But I know I need to be realistic too...
I keep recalculating and rethinking the numbers these days. I think I've gotten to the point where it's become motivating rather than discouraging. To think, there's only about 6 weeks left until FULL TERM! (And really, I'm just aiming for 36 weeks for the time being) That sounds like 'nothing', especially compared to the 12 weeks that have gone by, 3+ weeks of hospitalization, during which I am worried every moment about going into labour. I am hoping the next 6 weeks pass by more quickly, as there will be so much to be positive about.
- 32 weeks has been my next goal, and it doesn't feel that far away anymore.
- at 33 weeks, I hope to take my son trick-or-treating (pushed in a wheelchair by my parents)
- By 34-35 weeks, I may not need to deliver in the operating room anymore
- By 35-36 weeks, we are celebrating my son's 2nd birthday!
- By 36 weeks, my OB wants me to resume regular activities! Maybe I will get to lift my son and take him to the park!
With Halloween, and my son's birthday coming up, I feel so excited about the upcoming month.
And to think, in exactly 1 month from today, I will be 35 weeks pregnant. I will feel already as though I've beat this thing. For once, one month feels like a real possibility.
something else to feel positive about... although this is my first week of decreased pay (week #7 of being off work), we just found out that DH has likely been promoted at work!
Overall things are pretty uneventful these days - and for this, I am grateful. I am just so, so grateful with every day that passes, and feeling more hope that things will be ok, regardless of the outcome. I've read endless positive and hopeful stories on the facebook groups that have helped me keep my sanity - stories about preemie babies, stories about going full term. Staying realistic though, I'm mentally preparing for labour by reading labouring books, including reading on hypnotherapy, and getting used to planning as though baby can come any moment. But I think everything is going to be ok. And I am so excited to meet little one in the upcoming weeks.
Monday 3 October 2016
29 weeks + 3
I haven't updated in a while, so here's a quick, quick update... More to follow after my OB appointment on Wednesday Oct 5.
being at home has been tough.
for one thing, i am starting to feel a bit depressed. Hearing sounds from the outside world reminds me that I'm stick in here. I feel useless and unproductive. I feel immense guilt for not working and not being able to take care of things at home. I feel terrible that DH has to do everything around the house, on top of renovations and his stressful job.
Secondly, on weekends, I spend all my time downstairs on the main floor where there is no bathroom, because that's where DS hangs out. That means going up/down a flight of stairs about hourly to go to the washroom. Makes me so nervous.
We tried to go to the park on the weekend. It was a bit of a nightmare. DH pushed me in the wheelchair while I pushed DS on his tricycle (because he insisted on being in his tricycle). But after about 20 minutes of course I had to go to the bathroom, so we had to head back shortly after.
With my time now, I've been mentally and spiritually preparing for labour. I prepared my birth plan (which I wasn't going to prepare but my doula insists the hospital staff reads it), I've finished re-reading a couple of my books, and started reading up on hypnobirthing and meditating.
But meditation has been challenging because I find it hard to focus.
I've started making paintings for baby, as well as a few for DS.
Overall I am so, so grateful that I have made it this far. No signs of labour. Next goal is half a week away, 30 weeks!
being at home has been tough.
for one thing, i am starting to feel a bit depressed. Hearing sounds from the outside world reminds me that I'm stick in here. I feel useless and unproductive. I feel immense guilt for not working and not being able to take care of things at home. I feel terrible that DH has to do everything around the house, on top of renovations and his stressful job.
Secondly, on weekends, I spend all my time downstairs on the main floor where there is no bathroom, because that's where DS hangs out. That means going up/down a flight of stairs about hourly to go to the washroom. Makes me so nervous.
We tried to go to the park on the weekend. It was a bit of a nightmare. DH pushed me in the wheelchair while I pushed DS on his tricycle (because he insisted on being in his tricycle). But after about 20 minutes of course I had to go to the bathroom, so we had to head back shortly after.
With my time now, I've been mentally and spiritually preparing for labour. I prepared my birth plan (which I wasn't going to prepare but my doula insists the hospital staff reads it), I've finished re-reading a couple of my books, and started reading up on hypnobirthing and meditating.
But meditation has been challenging because I find it hard to focus.
I've started making paintings for baby, as well as a few for DS.
Overall I am so, so grateful that I have made it this far. No signs of labour. Next goal is half a week away, 30 weeks!
Friday 23 September 2016
28 weeks
so many thoughts... so much gratitude. I wasn't sure I'd make it this far.
on Wednesday, Sept 21, at 27+5, I saw my OB, and had another u/s. 0.3 cm. That's the best I could hope for. No change in 2 and a half weeks. My OB said: the only question is how much longer you stay in the hospital, and I immediately asked if I go home. Funny, 2 weeks ago I was asking whether I could stay beyond 28 weeks. But by now I had had enough.
I went home immediately. Home sweet home. Home has never been so sweet. I have never in my life been away from home for 17 days (unless I was moving to a new home).
My first morning back, DS ran into the room happily while I was still in bed, just like he always had, just like I had never left. Except now, I discovered, he has learned to say "Mommy, Get up!". No more sleeping in like in the hospital!
Yesterday I was feeling quite low though for some reason. Possible reasons:
- Maybe because I went back to bed after DS went to daycare. Sleeping in always makes me feel badly about myself
- i was too isolated at the hospital, didn't have to talk to my family. Now I do, and little things they say irritate me
- my mom can be annoying. and I am around her more now (they are here from out of town helping out)
- maybe DH has been particularly stressed and irritable lately too.
- Mostly I believe it is this: at home i am constantly reminded of how useless/helpless I am. I am totally dependent on my loved ones whom I've displaced and inconvenienced.
Or it's just I've been getting gradually more depressed, maybe it has nothing to do with returning home. I can't concentrate worth a shit these days. I can't meditate. I am not able to enjoy the present moment. I think i am getting progressively impatient and frustrated. At times I have the ludicrous thought that I want the baby to come because then some normalcy in my activities would resume. I wouldn't have to be so dependent. But then I want to give myself a good hard slap or five in my face for thinking such a selfish thought. Of course it would not be good for anyone long term if baby is born now and has any kind of disability from the extreme prematurity. But how to stay positive now?
Why am I not ecstatic that I have lasted this long when everyone was starting to severely doubt 2.5 weeks ago?? I am so ungrateful. I never thought in a million years I would get to this point and wish the journey would end here. And at the same time, of course I don't. How could I be so impatient? What an odd feeling, what odd thoughts. I've truly surprised myself.
on Wednesday, Sept 21, at 27+5, I saw my OB, and had another u/s. 0.3 cm. That's the best I could hope for. No change in 2 and a half weeks. My OB said: the only question is how much longer you stay in the hospital, and I immediately asked if I go home. Funny, 2 weeks ago I was asking whether I could stay beyond 28 weeks. But by now I had had enough.
I went home immediately. Home sweet home. Home has never been so sweet. I have never in my life been away from home for 17 days (unless I was moving to a new home).
My first morning back, DS ran into the room happily while I was still in bed, just like he always had, just like I had never left. Except now, I discovered, he has learned to say "Mommy, Get up!". No more sleeping in like in the hospital!
Yesterday I was feeling quite low though for some reason. Possible reasons:
- Maybe because I went back to bed after DS went to daycare. Sleeping in always makes me feel badly about myself
- i was too isolated at the hospital, didn't have to talk to my family. Now I do, and little things they say irritate me
- my mom can be annoying. and I am around her more now (they are here from out of town helping out)
- maybe DH has been particularly stressed and irritable lately too.
- Mostly I believe it is this: at home i am constantly reminded of how useless/helpless I am. I am totally dependent on my loved ones whom I've displaced and inconvenienced.
Or it's just I've been getting gradually more depressed, maybe it has nothing to do with returning home. I can't concentrate worth a shit these days. I can't meditate. I am not able to enjoy the present moment. I think i am getting progressively impatient and frustrated. At times I have the ludicrous thought that I want the baby to come because then some normalcy in my activities would resume. I wouldn't have to be so dependent. But then I want to give myself a good hard slap or five in my face for thinking such a selfish thought. Of course it would not be good for anyone long term if baby is born now and has any kind of disability from the extreme prematurity. But how to stay positive now?
I keep playing around with the numbers though. 12 weeks to due date but only 9 weeks to full term. Single digits. Sounds surmountable. But yet I have been on this journey for 9.5 weeks and it feels like an eternity, like I can bear no more. I am only half way through, is that all?? But going from 24-28 was such a huge milestone. It meant everything to me. That's maybe the problem. It meant too much. I have made it, and have to go on, still? How much more of this torturous journey? And yet of course it's wonderful that I made it another 4 weeks!! But I have to make it another 4… and then another….
I am not bored for a second but I am starting to feel so down about being unproductive, useless, helpless
....
ok, so most of that was written yesterday. I think the shock of returning home and realizing how useless I am has settled a bit. It was a huge contrast from being alone and managing alone for so long. But today, my mood returned to normal.
Yesterday I purchased a baby book and a daily planner to write daily notes to my baby. I had promised myself these gifts when I reached 28 weeks, because it would mean that baby would likely grow up to be literate. Before 28 weeks, I wasn't too sure and didn't want to face the disappointment...
I think being back with DS has really lifted my spirits. I see how much I missed him, remember how much joy he brings me.
But the anxiety is in full force. I worry about going into labour constantly. My next visit to L&D, I think baby will come. No more false alarms and being sent home, or being admitted for monitoring. I feel like my chances are up.
I also realized I am extremely allergic to my home! in the hospital I barely touched a kleenex in the whole time I stayed there. Now I am constantly sneezing, sniffly, ad blowing my nose and every single time, I worry about my cervix shortening, about baby falling out.... I worry when DS climbs up on me. I worry when I sit upright too long, I worry when I have to get up from low surfaces (which happens all the time at home apparently), and I worry when I have to go up/down the stairs. I don't know how much longer I can last like this... Only time will tell.
....
ok, so most of that was written yesterday. I think the shock of returning home and realizing how useless I am has settled a bit. It was a huge contrast from being alone and managing alone for so long. But today, my mood returned to normal.
Yesterday I purchased a baby book and a daily planner to write daily notes to my baby. I had promised myself these gifts when I reached 28 weeks, because it would mean that baby would likely grow up to be literate. Before 28 weeks, I wasn't too sure and didn't want to face the disappointment...
I think being back with DS has really lifted my spirits. I see how much I missed him, remember how much joy he brings me.
But the anxiety is in full force. I worry about going into labour constantly. My next visit to L&D, I think baby will come. No more false alarms and being sent home, or being admitted for monitoring. I feel like my chances are up.
I also realized I am extremely allergic to my home! in the hospital I barely touched a kleenex in the whole time I stayed there. Now I am constantly sneezing, sniffly, ad blowing my nose and every single time, I worry about my cervix shortening, about baby falling out.... I worry when DS climbs up on me. I worry when I sit upright too long, I worry when I have to get up from low surfaces (which happens all the time at home apparently), and I worry when I have to go up/down the stairs. I don't know how much longer I can last like this... Only time will tell.
Sunday 18 September 2016
27 weeks + 2 - waiting
Still waiting. Still no changes. So I remain eternally grateful.
It is a little unbelievable that I've made it this far. 2 weeks ago I was being treated as though the baby would come in the next few days. I really jumped the gun in telling work I would not be back, and telling my doctor I want to stay in hospital as long as possible to prevent preterm labour.
Staff kept telling me I would stay here until 28 weeks and then there was no point in staying, but I wanted to stay. I was so worried about baby coming any moment.
I feel quite differently now. Partly it is because I am further along, and have heard so many positive stories about kids being born between 27-28 weeks. I feel much more comfortable with the idea of baby coming now. I suppose because I am farther along, have been cooking baby another 2 weeks despite an almost non existent cervix (likely non existent by now), I feel a little more comfortable in getting up and moving around. I spend most of the day in reclined seated position in bed but I do walk around for the bathroom, to get water, and once per day I go downstairs for food. Big contrast from my initial arrival when I walked only to the washroom and stayed lying down at all times.
Secondly, I must just be getting stir crazy. I have been in The hospital for 2 full weeks now and I am missing my son. I see him about an hour daily but of course that's not the same as being at home.
I am even wondering if return to work in some modified fashion may be a possibility but I don't like the idea of dealing with added stress and luckily, neither does my supportive husband, however a decrease in pay is weighing on me. 3 more weeks of full pay and then there will be a decrease to 60%. But then again, will I make it another 3 weeks?
Weeks ago I said if I made it that far, I won't care about the money because I will be so happy that baby is still cooking. But that was when 30 weeks seemed unattainable. Now that it is a possibility , I guess I am being more realistic about my financial responsibilities.
I anxiously wait for Wednesday, 25 + 5. My next OB appointment. That day I find out my last cervix length measurement, and whether I get to go home, and the ongoing plan. I feel hopeful yet cautious. After all, most of my past appointments seem to have such devastating outcomes. How many times did I end up in the hospital after bad news from an appointment? Almost half the time? The other times, I seemed to just receive orders of more and more limited activity.
For now, I continue to focus my energy the same way that I have been doing for the past week and a half: lots of meditation and practising mindfulness, lots of appreciation for all the wonderful things and people in my life, the fact that we have made it this far. I am careful to consume mindfully and take care of myself physically, spiritually, and mentally. It's the only thing that would be right to do with all this extra time. I owe it to my loved ones as well as myself.
It is a little unbelievable that I've made it this far. 2 weeks ago I was being treated as though the baby would come in the next few days. I really jumped the gun in telling work I would not be back, and telling my doctor I want to stay in hospital as long as possible to prevent preterm labour.
Staff kept telling me I would stay here until 28 weeks and then there was no point in staying, but I wanted to stay. I was so worried about baby coming any moment.
I feel quite differently now. Partly it is because I am further along, and have heard so many positive stories about kids being born between 27-28 weeks. I feel much more comfortable with the idea of baby coming now. I suppose because I am farther along, have been cooking baby another 2 weeks despite an almost non existent cervix (likely non existent by now), I feel a little more comfortable in getting up and moving around. I spend most of the day in reclined seated position in bed but I do walk around for the bathroom, to get water, and once per day I go downstairs for food. Big contrast from my initial arrival when I walked only to the washroom and stayed lying down at all times.
Secondly, I must just be getting stir crazy. I have been in The hospital for 2 full weeks now and I am missing my son. I see him about an hour daily but of course that's not the same as being at home.
I am even wondering if return to work in some modified fashion may be a possibility but I don't like the idea of dealing with added stress and luckily, neither does my supportive husband, however a decrease in pay is weighing on me. 3 more weeks of full pay and then there will be a decrease to 60%. But then again, will I make it another 3 weeks?
Weeks ago I said if I made it that far, I won't care about the money because I will be so happy that baby is still cooking. But that was when 30 weeks seemed unattainable. Now that it is a possibility , I guess I am being more realistic about my financial responsibilities.
I anxiously wait for Wednesday, 25 + 5. My next OB appointment. That day I find out my last cervix length measurement, and whether I get to go home, and the ongoing plan. I feel hopeful yet cautious. After all, most of my past appointments seem to have such devastating outcomes. How many times did I end up in the hospital after bad news from an appointment? Almost half the time? The other times, I seemed to just receive orders of more and more limited activity.
For now, I continue to focus my energy the same way that I have been doing for the past week and a half: lots of meditation and practising mindfulness, lots of appreciation for all the wonderful things and people in my life, the fact that we have made it this far. I am careful to consume mindfully and take care of myself physically, spiritually, and mentally. It's the only thing that would be right to do with all this extra time. I owe it to my loved ones as well as myself.
Saturday 10 September 2016
26 weeks + 1
I think, I hope, it's going to be quiet for a while.
my doctor came to see my yesterday night. She said that we will just wait and see.
I told her my concerns about how I'll get to the other building to see her, and have to sit around and wait for an ultrasound and to see her at the office, as I usually lie down or sit very reclined right now, rather than sitting upright in chairs. She told me that can I skip this week and see her in 2 weeks, at 27+5 and do my last vaginal ultrasound for cervical check - there is not much purpose anymore. And I will stay in this "hospitality suite" in the hospital until 28 weeks.
I am relieved because that means no doctors changing orders on me or finding new things wrong. I know what I need to do until 27+5, there will be no more scares of vaginal ultrasounds showing yet shorter cervix and me feeling helpless and anxious about it.
For now, I just rest as much as possible while balancing getting up for circulation as I am not being put on prophylactic blood thinners.
I feel at peace for now, and try to enjoy the present moment, every moment that my baby keeps cooking a little longer, and I am grateful that my cervix has held out 7.5 weeks already in this journey, and that my family and friends have been so supportive.
Friday 9 September 2016
26 weeks - transfer of hospital rooms
I can barely believe I made it to 26 weeks. What a journey thus far. It truly has been teaching me ongoing patience, and awareness of each passing moment. Since my diagnosis of a short cervix at about 18 and a half weeks, I have been painfully aware of each moment. It has been 7.5 weeks of living like that. And hopefully more weeks to come...
The past few days have been very uneventful and at the same time very trying. I still to this day have not had any signs of early labour, and for that, I am forever grateful. The trying part is that I am still so conflicted about how much activity my body can take.
Starting on Wednesday (2 days ago), the unit doctors started telling me I should stay active, walk around, not stay in bed. This is totally conflicting with what my personal OB said since Sun/Monday which is to stay in bed except to go to the washroom. My OB came that evening, Wednesday night, and continued to agree with her original orders and agreed to speak to the unit staff. Well on Thursday morning, yesterday, the unit doctor again came and told me that it is ok to walk, that I do not need to stay in bed, that research does not support bed rest and that my activity will not impact my cervix.
i think that's bullshit.
even if it wasn't bullshit, why would i take the risk?
(and luckily, having a B.Sc. and a M.Sc, I know a thing or two about how research works, and all its flaws but I won't get into that....)
they believed in this so firmly that they moved me to a "hospitality suite" on a different floor where I no longer receive any medical attention whatsoever. I have to get my own meals, go down the street to see my OB at her office, wait in line with all the other patients for ultrasound and doctor, etc...
I didn't know these units existed. They are private, with some nice furnishings like a comfy, non-institutional-looking chair and lamp, photos on the wall, etc. I don't need to pay which is a huge, huge relief because the other room was costing $400/day. And now I will always be in close proximity to triage in case anything happens. I will stay here until 28 weeks.
but I am so worried about the moving. And yet I am so worried about not moving. Yesterday they were going to start me on a prophylactic dose of blood thinner injection. But then I was discharged. So now I constantly worry about blood clots, but I also constantly worry about moving too much!! It's terrible!
I also had to celebrate my birthday in hospital 2 days ago. When my family brought my son in, I kept commenting about how happy he seemed. My husband and father's response was "he's always this happy", to which I started questioning "am I forgetting my own son??". But it's always such a pleasure, so uplifting to see him. My beautiful, perfect bundle of joy.
My new digs:
The past few days have been very uneventful and at the same time very trying. I still to this day have not had any signs of early labour, and for that, I am forever grateful. The trying part is that I am still so conflicted about how much activity my body can take.
Starting on Wednesday (2 days ago), the unit doctors started telling me I should stay active, walk around, not stay in bed. This is totally conflicting with what my personal OB said since Sun/Monday which is to stay in bed except to go to the washroom. My OB came that evening, Wednesday night, and continued to agree with her original orders and agreed to speak to the unit staff. Well on Thursday morning, yesterday, the unit doctor again came and told me that it is ok to walk, that I do not need to stay in bed, that research does not support bed rest and that my activity will not impact my cervix.
i think that's bullshit.
even if it wasn't bullshit, why would i take the risk?
(and luckily, having a B.Sc. and a M.Sc, I know a thing or two about how research works, and all its flaws but I won't get into that....)
they believed in this so firmly that they moved me to a "hospitality suite" on a different floor where I no longer receive any medical attention whatsoever. I have to get my own meals, go down the street to see my OB at her office, wait in line with all the other patients for ultrasound and doctor, etc...
I didn't know these units existed. They are private, with some nice furnishings like a comfy, non-institutional-looking chair and lamp, photos on the wall, etc. I don't need to pay which is a huge, huge relief because the other room was costing $400/day. And now I will always be in close proximity to triage in case anything happens. I will stay here until 28 weeks.
but I am so worried about the moving. And yet I am so worried about not moving. Yesterday they were going to start me on a prophylactic dose of blood thinner injection. But then I was discharged. So now I constantly worry about blood clots, but I also constantly worry about moving too much!! It's terrible!
I also had to celebrate my birthday in hospital 2 days ago. When my family brought my son in, I kept commenting about how happy he seemed. My husband and father's response was "he's always this happy", to which I started questioning "am I forgetting my own son??". But it's always such a pleasure, so uplifting to see him. My beautiful, perfect bundle of joy.
My new digs:
Tuesday 6 September 2016
steroid injections
I had my second and last dose of my steroid injection this morning at 3:15 am and thought i'd write my experience about it.
When I first heard about the injections, I read about other people's experiences with it first. Mostly I remember reading people say that the needle was in fact more painful than a regular needle, that it did sting afterwards for about 10 minutes, and that they had soreness for quite a while afterwards.
i asked about people's experiences in a forum about a week ago and received various responses:
- not painful, no side effects
- side effects of hot flashes, sweating for a couple of days, and sore at injection site but bearable
- hurt a bit more than most shots
- jitters and sleeplessness for several days
- kind of painful but not unbearable
- from "a person who fears needles", "it was literally just a shot". not particularly big needle. meds burned a little
- similar to progesterone shot
- worse than progesterone shot, burned the whole leg like a sting going through the whole thing.
- really painful but worth it
- burns for a few seconds afterwards. no side effects
so here was my experience with the celestone injections:
- day one was in the left buttock. it was not a painful needle going in but yeeeouch! I could feel the fluid go in, and then it did sting quite a bit for about 5 minutes. after that, it was like I never got the shot. The nurse said that it was a large volume and that's probably what causes it to be more painful than other needles. That night I was quite sleepless, only slept 3 hours and was very alert all day, couldn't nap
- day two was very different. right buttock. Barely felt the needle go in, and the nurse went slowly so i didn't really feel it go in much either. it was easy peasy! But again, some burning forabout 5 minutes, and then it was like i never got thee shot. Again, I couldn't fall asleep. The shot was around 3:15 am and i fell asleep by about 6:45 am however I do sleep very poorly, it does normally take me a long time to fall asleep, and I have been very sore from being in bed all the time, so all these factors come into play.
will see what sleep is like tonight, but i am certainly not feeling as alert as yesterday...
When I first heard about the injections, I read about other people's experiences with it first. Mostly I remember reading people say that the needle was in fact more painful than a regular needle, that it did sting afterwards for about 10 minutes, and that they had soreness for quite a while afterwards.
i asked about people's experiences in a forum about a week ago and received various responses:
- not painful, no side effects
- side effects of hot flashes, sweating for a couple of days, and sore at injection site but bearable
- hurt a bit more than most shots
- jitters and sleeplessness for several days
- kind of painful but not unbearable
- from "a person who fears needles", "it was literally just a shot". not particularly big needle. meds burned a little
- similar to progesterone shot
- worse than progesterone shot, burned the whole leg like a sting going through the whole thing.
- really painful but worth it
- burns for a few seconds afterwards. no side effects
so here was my experience with the celestone injections:
- day one was in the left buttock. it was not a painful needle going in but yeeeouch! I could feel the fluid go in, and then it did sting quite a bit for about 5 minutes. after that, it was like I never got the shot. The nurse said that it was a large volume and that's probably what causes it to be more painful than other needles. That night I was quite sleepless, only slept 3 hours and was very alert all day, couldn't nap
- day two was very different. right buttock. Barely felt the needle go in, and the nurse went slowly so i didn't really feel it go in much either. it was easy peasy! But again, some burning forabout 5 minutes, and then it was like i never got thee shot. Again, I couldn't fall asleep. The shot was around 3:15 am and i fell asleep by about 6:45 am however I do sleep very poorly, it does normally take me a long time to fall asleep, and I have been very sore from being in bed all the time, so all these factors come into play.
will see what sleep is like tonight, but i am certainly not feeling as alert as yesterday...
Monday 5 September 2016
25 weeks + 3 - Readmission details
so this is the full story of what happened yesterday...
DS had gone to sleep already and DH and I were watching tv in bed. We kept hearing DS cough, so eventually, around 1030 pm DH went to bring him some water. As soon as he did, DS sat up and started crying, poor guy. Eventually I went to hold him in my lap while DH went to get him some milk. All of a sudden, i felt warm liquid between my legs - but he rarely pees out of his diaper.
I tell DH immediately. Either DS peed, or my water just broke.
being unsure, DH insists we go into the hospital. we get a few things ready in a panic (mostly diaper bag, a few books for DS, my phone charger).
we arrived at the hospital around 11:30 pm and explained what happened. I was checked. they took a sample of vaginal mucus and determined via microscopic inspection that it was not amniotic fluid. There were no signs that my water had broken. They said because of my history with a short cervix, they wanted to check it.
well this was the worst ultrasound. She didn't even ask me to empty my bladder first, which seems to be very routine. Then she made me undress with a sheet on top of me - she didn't leave the room. She inserted the probe and just left it there! She went back to her computer to do something, then back to the probe, then back to the computer. I was like WTF lady, can you remove this shit - no one else just lets it hang around inside me.
she was asking questions about what happened - I asked why she asked, and whether there were signs of something wrong. She said that the image was extremely different from the last. I asked about the actual cervix length and she kept giving vague answers like "it's more than 1 cm". I asked her countless times "WHAT IS THE ACTUAL MEASUREMENT". Eventually she said 4+cm of cervix but 2+ cm opened. I was baffled. I had no idea what this incompetent person was talking about.
luckily the on call high risk OB was more helpful. He confirmed that the length did decrease to less than 0.5 cm (I'm like what didn't the tech just say that, she obviously knew), and now it was very funneled/open. Thus they recommended steroid injections immediately and admission for monitoring until 28 weeks.
I met with my personal low risk OB's low risk OB colleague who agreed with the high risk OB's recommendations. So then i was admitted again.
by then, it was close to 2:30 am. DS was asleep on a bench with DH seated next to him. They went home. I waited around.
3:45 am or so, I got a room at labour and delivery because the antenatal unit was full. I received the steroid injection. I asked if it would hurt more than a regular needle? No? Oh but it did... only for 5 minutes though and then it was like it never happened.
And so it took me until close to 5 am to get some sleep. I woke up around 6:15 am, and 7 am, then eventually for good 8 am. I have been up since. Unable to sleep.
Thinking about this terrible situation. worried about every second, every off feeling.
and we wait again.
DH thinks we overdid it yesterday. We went to the mall where he pushed me in a wheelchair. DS sat on me a lot of the time, and at times I maneuvered the wheelchair with my feet or arms. maybe he's right.
we never found out if the fluid was DS peeing or some other fluid leaking out of me. Had that incident not happened, maybe I would still be home being overactive... who knows.
but we are back to taking each day at a time. Each moment at a time. Trying to reconsider what "happiness" is to me. What conditions are required for one to be "happy". And learning how to throw unrealistic ideals of "happy" out the window and realize what it truly takes to be happy.
I am so, so blessed to have such a beautiful family already. For now, I remain happy and grateful.
And I count the days.
DS had gone to sleep already and DH and I were watching tv in bed. We kept hearing DS cough, so eventually, around 1030 pm DH went to bring him some water. As soon as he did, DS sat up and started crying, poor guy. Eventually I went to hold him in my lap while DH went to get him some milk. All of a sudden, i felt warm liquid between my legs - but he rarely pees out of his diaper.
I tell DH immediately. Either DS peed, or my water just broke.
being unsure, DH insists we go into the hospital. we get a few things ready in a panic (mostly diaper bag, a few books for DS, my phone charger).
we arrived at the hospital around 11:30 pm and explained what happened. I was checked. they took a sample of vaginal mucus and determined via microscopic inspection that it was not amniotic fluid. There were no signs that my water had broken. They said because of my history with a short cervix, they wanted to check it.
well this was the worst ultrasound. She didn't even ask me to empty my bladder first, which seems to be very routine. Then she made me undress with a sheet on top of me - she didn't leave the room. She inserted the probe and just left it there! She went back to her computer to do something, then back to the probe, then back to the computer. I was like WTF lady, can you remove this shit - no one else just lets it hang around inside me.
she was asking questions about what happened - I asked why she asked, and whether there were signs of something wrong. She said that the image was extremely different from the last. I asked about the actual cervix length and she kept giving vague answers like "it's more than 1 cm". I asked her countless times "WHAT IS THE ACTUAL MEASUREMENT". Eventually she said 4+cm of cervix but 2+ cm opened. I was baffled. I had no idea what this incompetent person was talking about.
luckily the on call high risk OB was more helpful. He confirmed that the length did decrease to less than 0.5 cm (I'm like what didn't the tech just say that, she obviously knew), and now it was very funneled/open. Thus they recommended steroid injections immediately and admission for monitoring until 28 weeks.
I met with my personal low risk OB's low risk OB colleague who agreed with the high risk OB's recommendations. So then i was admitted again.
by then, it was close to 2:30 am. DS was asleep on a bench with DH seated next to him. They went home. I waited around.
3:45 am or so, I got a room at labour and delivery because the antenatal unit was full. I received the steroid injection. I asked if it would hurt more than a regular needle? No? Oh but it did... only for 5 minutes though and then it was like it never happened.
And so it took me until close to 5 am to get some sleep. I woke up around 6:15 am, and 7 am, then eventually for good 8 am. I have been up since. Unable to sleep.
Thinking about this terrible situation. worried about every second, every off feeling.
and we wait again.
DH thinks we overdid it yesterday. We went to the mall where he pushed me in a wheelchair. DS sat on me a lot of the time, and at times I maneuvered the wheelchair with my feet or arms. maybe he's right.
we never found out if the fluid was DS peeing or some other fluid leaking out of me. Had that incident not happened, maybe I would still be home being overactive... who knows.
but we are back to taking each day at a time. Each moment at a time. Trying to reconsider what "happiness" is to me. What conditions are required for one to be "happy". And learning how to throw unrealistic ideals of "happy" out the window and realize what it truly takes to be happy.
I am so, so blessed to have such a beautiful family already. For now, I remain happy and grateful.
And I count the days.
25 weeks + 3 - readmission
It's becoming a norm now that one moment, I am having a beautiful day with my boys and thinking how wonderful life is, and the next moment, everything is turned upside down. This seems to happen every week now.
I will write more later when I have a computer but here's the abbreviated version for now...
Last night I thought my water broke. We rushed to the hospital. Waters did not break but they checked my cervix just in case. 3 mm and open. Terrible.
I was admitted immediately.
It was the first time a doctor actually spoke of 'strict bedrest'. Up only for the washroom. Now I'm currently lying in Trendelenburg position, awaiting DH to bring me my belongings.
It is going to be a long next few weeks, if I am lucky enough to make it that long.
Right now im just feeling very down. thinking about how I used to be a productive, contributing human being. Now I feel like a faulty vessel for a fetus. Just waiting.
I will write more later when I have a computer but here's the abbreviated version for now...
Last night I thought my water broke. We rushed to the hospital. Waters did not break but they checked my cervix just in case. 3 mm and open. Terrible.
I was admitted immediately.
It was the first time a doctor actually spoke of 'strict bedrest'. Up only for the washroom. Now I'm currently lying in Trendelenburg position, awaiting DH to bring me my belongings.
It is going to be a long next few weeks, if I am lucky enough to make it that long.
Right now im just feeling very down. thinking about how I used to be a productive, contributing human being. Now I feel like a faulty vessel for a fetus. Just waiting.
Thursday 1 September 2016
24 weeks + 5 - ultrasound update
Yesterday I was 24+4. We went back to the hospital for our weekly Wednesday check. No changes. 1.1 cm. Baby is now 1 pound, 9 ounces.
no news from the doctor. Just business as usual. "continue what you've been doing for the last week" was what someone had said. I guess that means to mimic hospital bedrest, pretty much. Interestingly, I asked my doctor how things would've went differently if this was my first pregnancy. She said I'd probably have a cerclage in, and I'd probably still be in the hospital. I was blown away, and definitely started feeling more paranoid. I asked if she thought we could still make it past 32 weeks. She said she still believed we could - I felt she was cautious in this statement. And even though I understand exactly why she was cautious, I understand how realistic and reasonable she is, it still made me feel badly that she could not be more confident about me making it past 32 weeks. Makes no sense at all, but I guess that's what hormones do. Makes the heart ignore the mind.
everyone seems quite pleased with the measurement remaining "stable". Last week was 0.9. But the week before that was 1.9. So in a week, I can drop 1 entire cm. That certainly doesn't feel stable to me, nor does it instil much hope.
I do feel pretty happy about reaching 25 weeks. It was my next mini goal after 24 week viability. I couldn't quite pinpoint why it was important to me to reach 25 weeks, but I realise now - it's because 24 weeks, although it is viability, it feels like baby is still so frail. 25 weeks is not far after that, but at least it is a full week after 24. Next goal is 28 weeks. That's when all the rules may change.
After 28 weeks, my doctor might have me possibly return to some activities. That sounds quite scary to me. That sounds too early. I'd feel more comfortable with 32 weeks. I think my doctor will be supportive.
but then again, work was a nice distraction. But I will not put baby at risk, if I get that far along.
It's such an odd feeling, and unfair to my baby, that I try not to identify with him/her, and try not to acknowledge him/her. It was easier in the beginning but now that baby kicks ALL THE TIME wildly, I can't help but feel the kicks and just think about how much I love that feeling. When DS was born, I actually missed the kicking. I realised later that what I missed was being so intimately close with him at every moment. When he was born, that was not longer. We had to be separated at times.
So I do enjoy the baby kicks, but we don't know gender, we don't have a name yet (but should work on that considering I'm a ticking time bomb), I don't daydream about baby or the nursery, I don't write little notes for this baby or haven't started a baby book - all things that I started very early on with DS. It's a little unfair, yes, but that is my way of coping. It would be heartbreaking if I started these things and there was no baby, or no child later who would be capable of reading or enjoying these things like my notes or a baby book.
It is so hard. If i make it to 32 weeks, I owe my baby lots of notes and I will be frantically starting up a baby book! and boy will I have a lot to say to him/her....
no news from the doctor. Just business as usual. "continue what you've been doing for the last week" was what someone had said. I guess that means to mimic hospital bedrest, pretty much. Interestingly, I asked my doctor how things would've went differently if this was my first pregnancy. She said I'd probably have a cerclage in, and I'd probably still be in the hospital. I was blown away, and definitely started feeling more paranoid. I asked if she thought we could still make it past 32 weeks. She said she still believed we could - I felt she was cautious in this statement. And even though I understand exactly why she was cautious, I understand how realistic and reasonable she is, it still made me feel badly that she could not be more confident about me making it past 32 weeks. Makes no sense at all, but I guess that's what hormones do. Makes the heart ignore the mind.
everyone seems quite pleased with the measurement remaining "stable". Last week was 0.9. But the week before that was 1.9. So in a week, I can drop 1 entire cm. That certainly doesn't feel stable to me, nor does it instil much hope.
I do feel pretty happy about reaching 25 weeks. It was my next mini goal after 24 week viability. I couldn't quite pinpoint why it was important to me to reach 25 weeks, but I realise now - it's because 24 weeks, although it is viability, it feels like baby is still so frail. 25 weeks is not far after that, but at least it is a full week after 24. Next goal is 28 weeks. That's when all the rules may change.
After 28 weeks, my doctor might have me possibly return to some activities. That sounds quite scary to me. That sounds too early. I'd feel more comfortable with 32 weeks. I think my doctor will be supportive.
but then again, work was a nice distraction. But I will not put baby at risk, if I get that far along.
It's such an odd feeling, and unfair to my baby, that I try not to identify with him/her, and try not to acknowledge him/her. It was easier in the beginning but now that baby kicks ALL THE TIME wildly, I can't help but feel the kicks and just think about how much I love that feeling. When DS was born, I actually missed the kicking. I realised later that what I missed was being so intimately close with him at every moment. When he was born, that was not longer. We had to be separated at times.
So I do enjoy the baby kicks, but we don't know gender, we don't have a name yet (but should work on that considering I'm a ticking time bomb), I don't daydream about baby or the nursery, I don't write little notes for this baby or haven't started a baby book - all things that I started very early on with DS. It's a little unfair, yes, but that is my way of coping. It would be heartbreaking if I started these things and there was no baby, or no child later who would be capable of reading or enjoying these things like my notes or a baby book.
It is so hard. If i make it to 32 weeks, I owe my baby lots of notes and I will be frantically starting up a baby book! and boy will I have a lot to say to him/her....
24 weeks + 6 - Home bedrest depression kicking in?
today is the start of Day 3 of being at home, on leave of absence from work, trying to in bed as much as possible. Despite Tues and Wed being quite busy (with taking my parents out on Tuesday before they left to go home) and being in the hospital all morning, and getting home only around 2 pm yesterday), I am already getting somewhat disenchanted/depressed about being at home doing "nothing". It's not that I have nothing to do, but I am finding myself reading all sorts of things online that are just making me more paranoid
My OB never actually said to stay in bed as much as possible. She just always says to be reasonable, and rest often, limit walking/standing/lifting. But with all the scary things that we've read, and with the very high relative risk of giving birth at any moment, DH and I don't want to take any chances, so he and I prefer that I be on bedrest as much as possible.
having found online support groups and having friends as supports is nice, but when I tell people my situation, people who are familiar with it keep telling me to stay put, do nothing - someone was even surprised I went home from hospital. Then there are questions like - why am I not on progesterone injections? Why no cerclage? Why not more, more, more precautions? It makes me feel more and more paranoid, pushes me to be more and more cautious.
I think that paranoia mixed with the fact that DH worked until 5 am this morning, and then had to get up with DS at 7am to take him to daycare, while I was completely useless, really bothered me. I just stayed in bed because I wanted to continue lying flat - which made me feel even more guilty and terrible about myself.
It was almost better in hospital because I didn't have to think about these sorts of things - didn't have to actually be exposed as much to how people around me are busy, while I sit around and do nothing. I didn't need loved ones to help me because the staff took care of everything. I didn't have a choice but to be doing nothing in the hospital. Here I see what I could have been doing, what I would have been doing....
I don't mean to be depressing, but i did want to be real, and share how I'm feeling... I hear it takes about a week to get used to bedrest. So we will see.
Even though i have thought of so many things that I want to do in the next few weeks, so many that I won't have time to do them all - all I really end up doing is reading things online that are apparently making me feel worse. So next few days my goal is to stay off facebook (my main source of "support" on incompetent cervix but also the main source of anxiety) and focus on the other things I've planned like reading, knitting, drawing, painting things for the new nursery.
My OB never actually said to stay in bed as much as possible. She just always says to be reasonable, and rest often, limit walking/standing/lifting. But with all the scary things that we've read, and with the very high relative risk of giving birth at any moment, DH and I don't want to take any chances, so he and I prefer that I be on bedrest as much as possible.
having found online support groups and having friends as supports is nice, but when I tell people my situation, people who are familiar with it keep telling me to stay put, do nothing - someone was even surprised I went home from hospital. Then there are questions like - why am I not on progesterone injections? Why no cerclage? Why not more, more, more precautions? It makes me feel more and more paranoid, pushes me to be more and more cautious.
I think that paranoia mixed with the fact that DH worked until 5 am this morning, and then had to get up with DS at 7am to take him to daycare, while I was completely useless, really bothered me. I just stayed in bed because I wanted to continue lying flat - which made me feel even more guilty and terrible about myself.
It was almost better in hospital because I didn't have to think about these sorts of things - didn't have to actually be exposed as much to how people around me are busy, while I sit around and do nothing. I didn't need loved ones to help me because the staff took care of everything. I didn't have a choice but to be doing nothing in the hospital. Here I see what I could have been doing, what I would have been doing....
I don't mean to be depressing, but i did want to be real, and share how I'm feeling... I hear it takes about a week to get used to bedrest. So we will see.
Even though i have thought of so many things that I want to do in the next few weeks, so many that I won't have time to do them all - all I really end up doing is reading things online that are apparently making me feel worse. So next few days my goal is to stay off facebook (my main source of "support" on incompetent cervix but also the main source of anxiety) and focus on the other things I've planned like reading, knitting, drawing, painting things for the new nursery.
Tuesday 30 August 2016
24 weeks + 4 - hospital discharge
I had my 2nd in-hospital ultrasound yesterday. Measurements stayed stable between 0.9 to 1.1 cm. So I was discharged home last night.
The odd thing was that again, i applied fundal pressure, and it seemed that my cervix lengthened. She didn't bother to measure it though.
The disturbing part of yesterday was that I was told so much conflicting advice yesterday. Or so it felt to me.
The discharge forms say to pretty much replicate my activity in hospital - that would mean being in bed most of the day, not getting up to prepare meals, or do any cleaning whatsoever, do everything seated including brushing my teeth/wash my face etc. Whereas a nurse told me that I can do some like cooking and light cleaning, e.g. put something in the oven and sit down. I was told that I can go up/down stairs. No lifting.
The doctor there told me that I can walk around the block, do some light cooking.
My OB on the other hand has told me in the past to not walk farther than my mailbox or driveway which is very different from "Walk around the block".
A nurse in the past had told me to be on bedrest as much as possible basically. Stay horizontal when possible.
people online in forums and facebook seem to always say to do less, that bedrest works.
in the end, the bottom line, it's clear to me, is that the evidence for bedrest is inconclusive, or at worst, is even unsupported. It has to do with what is feasible and the amount of risk that I am comfortable with. I am so lucky to have a supportive husband who wants me to do as little as possible for the next month, the most crucial weeks - weeks 24 to 28, thus we will replicate my hospital stay as much as possible.
The odd thing was that again, i applied fundal pressure, and it seemed that my cervix lengthened. She didn't bother to measure it though.
The disturbing part of yesterday was that I was told so much conflicting advice yesterday. Or so it felt to me.
The discharge forms say to pretty much replicate my activity in hospital - that would mean being in bed most of the day, not getting up to prepare meals, or do any cleaning whatsoever, do everything seated including brushing my teeth/wash my face etc. Whereas a nurse told me that I can do some like cooking and light cleaning, e.g. put something in the oven and sit down. I was told that I can go up/down stairs. No lifting.
The doctor there told me that I can walk around the block, do some light cooking.
My OB on the other hand has told me in the past to not walk farther than my mailbox or driveway which is very different from "Walk around the block".
A nurse in the past had told me to be on bedrest as much as possible basically. Stay horizontal when possible.
people online in forums and facebook seem to always say to do less, that bedrest works.
in the end, the bottom line, it's clear to me, is that the evidence for bedrest is inconclusive, or at worst, is even unsupported. It has to do with what is feasible and the amount of risk that I am comfortable with. I am so lucky to have a supportive husband who wants me to do as little as possible for the next month, the most crucial weeks - weeks 24 to 28, thus we will replicate my hospital stay as much as possible.
Sunday 28 August 2016
24 weeks + 2
i never could relate to people saying that every passing day is a blessing, but since 2 days ago, reaching viability, I understand how that has now become true. I am in a period now where I worry even more every moment about what life will look like if I went into labour. I am truly grateful for each passing day now that baby keeps cooking. Every day, getting stronger, and odds of complications diminishing.
I was thinking also on one hand, I am so lucky to be able to get paid (sick pay) for literally doing nothing, killing time. How could this not be everyone's dream, to get a good pay while doing nothing?
And on the other hand, this is such a hard time. There is so much to be done. And I cannot do it. I have to do nothing, rather than fulfill my role as a mother, and wife.
Yesterday I totally broke down. Worse than I have ever broken down in this journey. I'm not sure if it's the stress of entering the viability zone, or it was my first day of non-productiveness, because my leave of absence from work has officially begun, but I felt so completely and utterly helpless.
My parents have been helping out, but my father has gotten sick twice in the past 2 weeks. He is exhausted from taking care of my son, and he is disenchanted by the fact that we want to raise my son so differently from how my father raised my brother and I. My parents need to leave soon to take care of affairs at home and pick up medication a 6 hour drive away. Leaving everything for my partner to do. My father expressed some feelings of not wanting to be around, or so I felt, and yet I couldn't just tell them "well then just leave, we don't need your help". How could that be true? how could I possibly make that call for my partner? I am completely helpless. Putting everyone is such a horrible position. While here I lie. Literally doing nothing about anything.
I had a terrible night. I woke up with the feeling still lingering and started to cry immediately. I just wanted to stay unconscious. But I felt guilty about continuing to sleep, knowing that my family are busy taking care of things at home.
somehow I need to keep finding strength and positivity. This stress cannot be good for my situation.
But I am not in a good place right now.
I was thinking also on one hand, I am so lucky to be able to get paid (sick pay) for literally doing nothing, killing time. How could this not be everyone's dream, to get a good pay while doing nothing?
And on the other hand, this is such a hard time. There is so much to be done. And I cannot do it. I have to do nothing, rather than fulfill my role as a mother, and wife.
Yesterday I totally broke down. Worse than I have ever broken down in this journey. I'm not sure if it's the stress of entering the viability zone, or it was my first day of non-productiveness, because my leave of absence from work has officially begun, but I felt so completely and utterly helpless.
My parents have been helping out, but my father has gotten sick twice in the past 2 weeks. He is exhausted from taking care of my son, and he is disenchanted by the fact that we want to raise my son so differently from how my father raised my brother and I. My parents need to leave soon to take care of affairs at home and pick up medication a 6 hour drive away. Leaving everything for my partner to do. My father expressed some feelings of not wanting to be around, or so I felt, and yet I couldn't just tell them "well then just leave, we don't need your help". How could that be true? how could I possibly make that call for my partner? I am completely helpless. Putting everyone is such a horrible position. While here I lie. Literally doing nothing about anything.
I had a terrible night. I woke up with the feeling still lingering and started to cry immediately. I just wanted to stay unconscious. But I felt guilty about continuing to sleep, knowing that my family are busy taking care of things at home.
somehow I need to keep finding strength and positivity. This stress cannot be good for my situation.
But I am not in a good place right now.
Saturday 27 August 2016
24 weeks + 1 - Officially on Leave of Absence
more and more confusion...
It is day 3 of my hospital admission. Now Saturday morning, and I have been here since very very early on Thursday morning.
Yesterday I had my first inpatient ultrasound. 1.1 cm without fundal pressure. no funneling. 1.1 cm with fundal pressure. What?
First of all, I guess it's good news that the measurement is "stable" compared to the last fundal pressure measurement from Wednesday, 2 days prior. But the non-fundal pressure measurement went from 1.9 to 1.1 cm in 2 days. Isn't that bad? Both the technician and my (most amazingly wonderful) OB said that I was stable, and they were very positive about the results.
I'm a bit confused. Almost 2 cm, and then drop to pretty much 1 cm in 1 week. Isn't that bad? Apparently we only care about the (properly applied) fundal pressure measurement though.
Is it bad I am enjoying my admission? Granted I feel terrible that my family have to do everything while I lay around with full service, now getting to enjoy my own leisure activities. All day Thursday and all day Friday I was working at max-stress levels (and constantly worried about the effects on my baby) because of all the work that comes with suddenly having to go off on leave. Usually it takes about a week to get work in order to go away for 1 week. Now I have to be away for 4 weeks, minimum, with only 2 days to prepare, and a student to finish precepting. I had a headache everyday, and yesterday I worked until about 8 pm.
so today is the true beginning of my leave of absence from work (even though I have a few things to finish on Monday and a colleague to speak to on Tuesday). I feel much more relaxed. I started listening to some podcasts/radio documentaries and working on my scrapbook/photo album. The staff bring me food and water, I have everything I need, a nicely lit private hospital room. Life is "good".
Am I allowed to feel like life is good? It seems unfair to my family. But then again, what can I do about it? everyone tells me to relax, take it easy, that that's what baby needs.
But of course being in the hospital means getting visitors like the NICU pediatrician. She came and gave me a long grocery list of possible complications that come with a premie baby. A good reminder to take care of myself now. So that I take care of the baby.
And I am so, so incredibly blessed to have such supportive family who understand this.
Tonight, I go out for the first time since Wednesday night - meeting friends for dessert!
It is day 3 of my hospital admission. Now Saturday morning, and I have been here since very very early on Thursday morning.
Yesterday I had my first inpatient ultrasound. 1.1 cm without fundal pressure. no funneling. 1.1 cm with fundal pressure. What?
First of all, I guess it's good news that the measurement is "stable" compared to the last fundal pressure measurement from Wednesday, 2 days prior. But the non-fundal pressure measurement went from 1.9 to 1.1 cm in 2 days. Isn't that bad? Both the technician and my (most amazingly wonderful) OB said that I was stable, and they were very positive about the results.
I'm a bit confused. Almost 2 cm, and then drop to pretty much 1 cm in 1 week. Isn't that bad? Apparently we only care about the (properly applied) fundal pressure measurement though.
Is it bad I am enjoying my admission? Granted I feel terrible that my family have to do everything while I lay around with full service, now getting to enjoy my own leisure activities. All day Thursday and all day Friday I was working at max-stress levels (and constantly worried about the effects on my baby) because of all the work that comes with suddenly having to go off on leave. Usually it takes about a week to get work in order to go away for 1 week. Now I have to be away for 4 weeks, minimum, with only 2 days to prepare, and a student to finish precepting. I had a headache everyday, and yesterday I worked until about 8 pm.
so today is the true beginning of my leave of absence from work (even though I have a few things to finish on Monday and a colleague to speak to on Tuesday). I feel much more relaxed. I started listening to some podcasts/radio documentaries and working on my scrapbook/photo album. The staff bring me food and water, I have everything I need, a nicely lit private hospital room. Life is "good".
Am I allowed to feel like life is good? It seems unfair to my family. But then again, what can I do about it? everyone tells me to relax, take it easy, that that's what baby needs.
But of course being in the hospital means getting visitors like the NICU pediatrician. She came and gave me a long grocery list of possible complications that come with a premie baby. A good reminder to take care of myself now. So that I take care of the baby.
And I am so, so incredibly blessed to have such supportive family who understand this.
Tonight, I go out for the first time since Wednesday night - meeting friends for dessert!
Thursday 25 August 2016
23 weeks + 6 - hospital admission
almost to goal #1 of 24 weeks.
but it's been a rough week.
yesterday, 3 pm, feels like 3 weeks ago. For my weekly ultrasound, the tech told me to apply fundal pressure in a particular way this time. She said to push downward from the top of my belly as though I am pushing my baby out, in order to mimic the pressure placed on the cervix when i am standing. I've never gotten clear instructions like that before. I did that. Measurement? 0.9 cm.
what a big difference. From applying fundal pressure properly.
So my OB checked with the high risk OB on call. They decided I should be admitted for monitoring. The high risk OB thought I should stay a few weeks. my OB said stay until Monday. She said I could opt for staying at home but the problem would be scheduling the frequent ultrasounds between now and Monday. So we decided to play it safe, my OB had already compromised by recommending a few days in hospital, rather than a few weeks. So we went with that.
and then i started bawling. I have never been away from my son more than about 4-5 hours. And now I face my first night away from him.
My OB said to remember, you are giving him the best gift, a healthy sibling. She told me not to feel guilty.
I cried in the car on the way home.
He looked so happy when we arrived home. He was eating happily and rambling random things as usual. We all spent time together. My partner got him ready for bed, my father stayed with him to get him to sleep.
And off we went back to the hospital.
We arrived at 8:30 pm. Triage sent us to the Antenatal unit. The antenatal unit said they have no beds, they don't know who I am. They sent me back to triage. At Triage, we waited until around 11:30 pm before we were seen by a resident. They have a room for me. Went back to Antenatal, waited about 45 minutes for them to prepare a room. By 1 am, I was in my pyjamas, lying in bed, having blood drawn, vital signs checked. And then left to turn and turn and turn in the cold noisy hospital room alone until I fell asleep around 2 .
I was feeling guilty for being away from my son, for not being there for him, and I felt guilty for my family having to do so much in my absence, felt guilty that I am not able to pull my weight.
Other than that, I hate to admit it, but I kind of like being in the hospital. Of course I feel guilty about that too. But since being a baby, I have only been admitted in the hospital when I gave birth. People come and take care of you, they bring your food, clean up afterwards. It's so stress-free. I don't deserve this.
But my OB agreed to write a note for work stating I am going off work after Friday Aug 26. It gives me 2 full work days to tie up loose ends before being off for a full 4 weeks, at least.
So work was a damn shit show today. And will be a shit show x1000 tomorrow.
And then I rest another few days. If the measurements get worse, maybe I stay longer. If the measurements get better, maybe I go home earlier. We wait and see.
And wait, and wait....
Wednesday 24 August 2016
Resources
Over time, I've found a few great resources. Here they are:
Facebook Support Groups:
- Incompetent Cervix Support Group
- Incompetent Cervix Awareness
Forum:
http://forum.keepemcookin.com/ - a forum focusing on preventing preterm birth
Youtube:
- no specific links, but when I have time, I like searching for Vlogs of other girls who were diagnosed with short/incompetent cervix.
These resources have helped so much in giving me answers and hope!
Facebook Support Groups:
- Incompetent Cervix Support Group
- Incompetent Cervix Awareness
Forum:
http://forum.keepemcookin.com/ - a forum focusing on preventing preterm birth
Youtube:
- no specific links, but when I have time, I like searching for Vlogs of other girls who were diagnosed with short/incompetent cervix.
These resources have helped so much in giving me answers and hope!
Saturday 20 August 2016
23 weeks + 1
well it happened. I knew it would. The first of many.
I broke down. I cried today. I am sick of it already, even though I am relatively at the beginning of this long road ahead. I am sick of everyone having do everything for me. I feel so useless about needing help to get a glass of water because I'm not supposed to walk across the room if I don't have to. But most of all, I'm sick of not being able to participate in my son's life.
This morning, for the first time in a long time, he didn't yell "mommy!! mommy!!" excitedly when he heard me approach. He didn't even say it when I came into sight, or when I asked for a kiss, or gave him a bear hug. He just asked for his grandfather. In fact I don't think asked for me or showed excitement to see me once today.
My heart is broken.
I can't even go to the park with him even though it is only a 3-4 minute walk away. I considered driving and thought how ridiculous that might be. We went to the library but as soon as his grandfather walked away, my son went looking for him, and I became so nervous about the extra walking and standing.
And so the only thing left for me to be productive in is my work. And I'm getting more and more useless there too, soon that may even be stopping. Maybe just one more week. Then will things fall apart? Will I fall into yet a deeper depression?
What is worse for my unborn baby right now? is the movement creating a true risk of preterm labour? Or am i just putting myself through depression and the people around me through hell, when the risks are not real? What is the damage of all these negative feelings and resulting hormones on my unborn baby?
How long does it take a 21 month old to forget his mother?
I broke down. I cried today. I am sick of it already, even though I am relatively at the beginning of this long road ahead. I am sick of everyone having do everything for me. I feel so useless about needing help to get a glass of water because I'm not supposed to walk across the room if I don't have to. But most of all, I'm sick of not being able to participate in my son's life.
This morning, for the first time in a long time, he didn't yell "mommy!! mommy!!" excitedly when he heard me approach. He didn't even say it when I came into sight, or when I asked for a kiss, or gave him a bear hug. He just asked for his grandfather. In fact I don't think asked for me or showed excitement to see me once today.
My heart is broken.
I can't even go to the park with him even though it is only a 3-4 minute walk away. I considered driving and thought how ridiculous that might be. We went to the library but as soon as his grandfather walked away, my son went looking for him, and I became so nervous about the extra walking and standing.
And so the only thing left for me to be productive in is my work. And I'm getting more and more useless there too, soon that may even be stopping. Maybe just one more week. Then will things fall apart? Will I fall into yet a deeper depression?
What is worse for my unborn baby right now? is the movement creating a true risk of preterm labour? Or am i just putting myself through depression and the people around me through hell, when the risks are not real? What is the damage of all these negative feelings and resulting hormones on my unborn baby?
How long does it take a 21 month old to forget his mother?
Wednesday 17 August 2016
22 weeks + 5
more bad news.
transvaginal ultrasound today: drop from 2.4 cm last week to 1.9 cm today.
(mind you it was the worst ultrasound I've had yet at the hospital, and I remember thinking about the technician 'oh I bet you're going to come up with some shitty number that I won't trust'; when i told my partner how shitty the technician was, he also independently said 'well then i don't even know if i would trust her measurement').
luckily we met with a great OB, it seemed. He didn't seem worried but did say the usual "you're off work right now, right? No? Ok well stop working as of today".
He made sure I was taken care of, walked me over to the OB covering for my doctor who is on vacation, made sure they were aware of my situation, made sure they wrote me a note indicating that i should be off work now (with the addition of "or working from home" after I pushed for it)
I don't know how many times I've had to go through this conversation... no, I am not on bedrest; yes, I feel like I can keep working. Thus I negotiated working from home.
so there goes another grip on normalcy.
Recently I have been having trouble concentrating or being effective or useful in any way outside of work. At work, I feel productive, I feel like I am using my brain. I feel useful. So there goes that down the toilet.
Last pregnancy, I ran and because I was being active, I ate better, and because everything was just dandy, I was ecstatically happy. I felt like I was doing everything right to give my baby a good head start.
Which makes me feel this time like the shittiest mother in the world to this baby that isn't even born yet and I don't even know if he/she will make it. I am already not listening to my body (which is screaming at me to be active), even though listening to my body has brought me to unimaginable places that have impressed the hell out of myself... So I feel like I am not taking care of myself physically by being so inactive, and I am so anxious/sad/disappointed, which is negatively affecting my unborn baby and all my loved ones around me. This is terrible.
But after speaking to so many people, everyone just urges me to stop working. Before, I was certain of my decision that I could keep working and it was not negatively impacting anything. I still have my doubts about the significance of a short cervix, and feel like I could've had a short cervix the last pregnancy, except no one felt the need to check. And so now with all the advice, the guilt is just piling on, and I'm thinking that if something happens to the baby, I now will in fact feel responsible, like I could've done something differently.
And so the decision as of now, is that I plan to stop working at the end of next week, when I am done supervising my student and covering for a vacationing colleague.
And then there goes my last grip of normalcy. Enter a dark world of bedrest and lack of activity and feelings of uselessness....
transvaginal ultrasound today: drop from 2.4 cm last week to 1.9 cm today.
(mind you it was the worst ultrasound I've had yet at the hospital, and I remember thinking about the technician 'oh I bet you're going to come up with some shitty number that I won't trust'; when i told my partner how shitty the technician was, he also independently said 'well then i don't even know if i would trust her measurement').
luckily we met with a great OB, it seemed. He didn't seem worried but did say the usual "you're off work right now, right? No? Ok well stop working as of today".
He made sure I was taken care of, walked me over to the OB covering for my doctor who is on vacation, made sure they were aware of my situation, made sure they wrote me a note indicating that i should be off work now (with the addition of "or working from home" after I pushed for it)
I don't know how many times I've had to go through this conversation... no, I am not on bedrest; yes, I feel like I can keep working. Thus I negotiated working from home.
so there goes another grip on normalcy.
Recently I have been having trouble concentrating or being effective or useful in any way outside of work. At work, I feel productive, I feel like I am using my brain. I feel useful. So there goes that down the toilet.
Last pregnancy, I ran and because I was being active, I ate better, and because everything was just dandy, I was ecstatically happy. I felt like I was doing everything right to give my baby a good head start.
Which makes me feel this time like the shittiest mother in the world to this baby that isn't even born yet and I don't even know if he/she will make it. I am already not listening to my body (which is screaming at me to be active), even though listening to my body has brought me to unimaginable places that have impressed the hell out of myself... So I feel like I am not taking care of myself physically by being so inactive, and I am so anxious/sad/disappointed, which is negatively affecting my unborn baby and all my loved ones around me. This is terrible.
But after speaking to so many people, everyone just urges me to stop working. Before, I was certain of my decision that I could keep working and it was not negatively impacting anything. I still have my doubts about the significance of a short cervix, and feel like I could've had a short cervix the last pregnancy, except no one felt the need to check. And so now with all the advice, the guilt is just piling on, and I'm thinking that if something happens to the baby, I now will in fact feel responsible, like I could've done something differently.
And so the decision as of now, is that I plan to stop working at the end of next week, when I am done supervising my student and covering for a vacationing colleague.
And then there goes my last grip of normalcy. Enter a dark world of bedrest and lack of activity and feelings of uselessness....
Saturday 13 August 2016
exercise and other restrictions
it's so tough to go from exercising 3-4 times per week, to minimizing any movement whatsoever.
Before this, the longest I had gone without jogging, since I started jogging years ago, was 6 weeks. And that was from 38 weeks pregnant to 4 weeks post partum.
Now I am reaching a new record.
It's tough too because as much as I trust and believe in my OB 100%, my partner and I didn't get the sense that she knew much about what causes strain on the cervix. I really never understood why she said standing is worse than sitting upright, for example. She didn't seem to have a good explanation. My partner and I are logical people - almost to a fault. We are annoyingly logically. When we first started dating, we bonded over our common love for math. Our OB is also incredibly logical and rational, but for this question of mine, her answer felt very lacking.
it turns out that after lots of reading, it sounds like some people with a incompetent cervix are told they cannot sit more upright than at a 45 degree recline because it puts too much pressure on the cervix. This makes much more sense to me.
So while my OB has me on modified activities at work, I am still sitting all day. The only way, I have come to believe (whether evidence-based or not), that I will be avoiding strain from sitting is to sit reclined. so there I am at work. Now no longer completing my full duties, and slouched like a couch potato all day. Lookin' good.
I asked my doctor if I could do any exercises laying down or seated, to prevent atrophy, to maintain strength and encourage circulation. She told me I could do leg lifts, etc. When my partner asked if abdominal strain from leg exercises would put pressure on the cervix, again, she didn't seem to give a straight answer. It's something I haven't bothered to look up scholarly journals on. I did a quick google search and found almost nothing about what exercises can be done while on bedrest with shortened cervix. I think it's just an uncommon concern, considering the focus is to limit activity.
so every once in a while I get a little gutsy and start doing some leg lifts. Today I even had my son on my legs while I lifted him. But after a while, the paranoia kicks in again, and I give up.
So I think to myself - am I being cautious, or am I now just getting lazy?
Before this, the longest I had gone without jogging, since I started jogging years ago, was 6 weeks. And that was from 38 weeks pregnant to 4 weeks post partum.
Now I am reaching a new record.
It's tough too because as much as I trust and believe in my OB 100%, my partner and I didn't get the sense that she knew much about what causes strain on the cervix. I really never understood why she said standing is worse than sitting upright, for example. She didn't seem to have a good explanation. My partner and I are logical people - almost to a fault. We are annoyingly logically. When we first started dating, we bonded over our common love for math. Our OB is also incredibly logical and rational, but for this question of mine, her answer felt very lacking.
it turns out that after lots of reading, it sounds like some people with a incompetent cervix are told they cannot sit more upright than at a 45 degree recline because it puts too much pressure on the cervix. This makes much more sense to me.
So while my OB has me on modified activities at work, I am still sitting all day. The only way, I have come to believe (whether evidence-based or not), that I will be avoiding strain from sitting is to sit reclined. so there I am at work. Now no longer completing my full duties, and slouched like a couch potato all day. Lookin' good.
I asked my doctor if I could do any exercises laying down or seated, to prevent atrophy, to maintain strength and encourage circulation. She told me I could do leg lifts, etc. When my partner asked if abdominal strain from leg exercises would put pressure on the cervix, again, she didn't seem to give a straight answer. It's something I haven't bothered to look up scholarly journals on. I did a quick google search and found almost nothing about what exercises can be done while on bedrest with shortened cervix. I think it's just an uncommon concern, considering the focus is to limit activity.
so every once in a while I get a little gutsy and start doing some leg lifts. Today I even had my son on my legs while I lifted him. But after a while, the paranoia kicks in again, and I give up.
So I think to myself - am I being cautious, or am I now just getting lazy?
Friday 12 August 2016
22 weeks
People always say every day counts but for some reason I can only appreciate the weeks. I am obsessed with the weeks. My first goal is 24 weeks, then 25 weeks, then 28 weeks. Right now the thought of making it to 28 weeks is enough. I feel like if I make it there, it will give me so much relief. In reality I know that if or when I reach there, I will only be happy with another 4 weeks of cooking. Always another few weeks.
And to think that with a normal pregnancy, people just get so impatient at the end wishing baby would hurry and come. funny how I would just kill to be in that position of being able to wish baby would hurry to come, rather than fearing every moment that baby will come too soon.
Initially I think my partner didn't understand about the weeks. When I told him my first goal is just to get to 24-25 weeks, he responded that he wanted us to make it to at least 32. It's something that someone else could not understand without being in this body. No one else could know what it feels like to live this fear every moment, to have to be cognisant and cautious of every moment. The minutes can pass like hours and weeks now pass like years. I cannot wait another 10 weeks to feel relief. I need my small goals to keep me going.
Thank goodness my parents are back to visit from out if town. They will be helping out for a week or two. I thought my partner was going to go crazy and kill us all. I feel terrible about how much everyone has to do for me, especially my partner when my parents aren't around.
And to think that with a normal pregnancy, people just get so impatient at the end wishing baby would hurry and come. funny how I would just kill to be in that position of being able to wish baby would hurry to come, rather than fearing every moment that baby will come too soon.
Initially I think my partner didn't understand about the weeks. When I told him my first goal is just to get to 24-25 weeks, he responded that he wanted us to make it to at least 32. It's something that someone else could not understand without being in this body. No one else could know what it feels like to live this fear every moment, to have to be cognisant and cautious of every moment. The minutes can pass like hours and weeks now pass like years. I cannot wait another 10 weeks to feel relief. I need my small goals to keep me going.
Thank goodness my parents are back to visit from out if town. They will be helping out for a week or two. I thought my partner was going to go crazy and kill us all. I feel terrible about how much everyone has to do for me, especially my partner when my parents aren't around.
22 weeks - modified work (drama)
Since my second cervix length measurement at 19-20 weeks, around July 28, when funnelling was first seen, I have been on modified work duties. I have been so fortunate to have a compassionate and accommodating manager who supported me from moments after I found out.
But yesterday, I had a conversation with my occ health nurse at work that haunted me until this morning. The purpose of meeting was to discuss my modified workplan, but truly, the nurse wanted to ask me "basically we wanted to know, should you really be here [at work]?". She went on about the concern of "losing your baby" which really distrbed me and made me question my decision to continue working. But I explained that i had a very holistic and understanding OB who knew how important work was to my mental health and whose opinion I trust about the safety of continuing on modified duties. But then I am starting to doubt myself.
The nice thing at least, was she said "I've heard you are a workaholic, not just from one person. I hear you would still be working if you were on your death bed". Yeah can't argue that, lol.
But I started wondering.... Are they trying to get rid of me because I am a burden to them in that they now need to accommodate my special needs? Or are they truly concerned and I am putting my baby in unnecessary risk? Either way then I feel bad!!
I have heard bad things about this nurse, about her being cold, unempathetic, etc. After lots of reflection I realised I was disturbed because her wording of the question insinuated that I should not be at work, there was a judgmental tone to the question which made me feel like I was being criticised for making a decision that was putting my baby at risk. In the end I decided she probably meant well, but I guess she just lacked the tact to word her question or concern in a more sensitive manner.
Oh the doubts and the guilt and the mind games of pregnancy
But yesterday, I had a conversation with my occ health nurse at work that haunted me until this morning. The purpose of meeting was to discuss my modified workplan, but truly, the nurse wanted to ask me "basically we wanted to know, should you really be here [at work]?". She went on about the concern of "losing your baby" which really distrbed me and made me question my decision to continue working. But I explained that i had a very holistic and understanding OB who knew how important work was to my mental health and whose opinion I trust about the safety of continuing on modified duties. But then I am starting to doubt myself.
The nice thing at least, was she said "I've heard you are a workaholic, not just from one person. I hear you would still be working if you were on your death bed". Yeah can't argue that, lol.
But I started wondering.... Are they trying to get rid of me because I am a burden to them in that they now need to accommodate my special needs? Or are they truly concerned and I am putting my baby in unnecessary risk? Either way then I feel bad!!
I have heard bad things about this nurse, about her being cold, unempathetic, etc. After lots of reflection I realised I was disturbed because her wording of the question insinuated that I should not be at work, there was a judgmental tone to the question which made me feel like I was being criticised for making a decision that was putting my baby at risk. In the end I decided she probably meant well, but I guess she just lacked the tact to word her question or concern in a more sensitive manner.
Oh the doubts and the guilt and the mind games of pregnancy
Thursday 11 August 2016
21 weeks + 5 days
Yesterday was 21w+5. Went in for my 4th consecutive weekly transvaginal ultrasound. Good news! 2.4 cm and no funneling. I was sent home without even needing to speak a word to a doctor. I felt so great about staying stable (past weeks 2.1, 2.2, 2.2). Either the short cervix means nothing, or the rest and progesterone are working. I was so relieved that my partner felt we should continue as before - I rest as much as possible. I was beaming with the news and support of partner.
But all of that is overshadowed by a terrible conversation I had with my occupational health nurse at work today.... Still too upset processing what happened. Will write about it later...
But all of that is overshadowed by a terrible conversation I had with my occupational health nurse at work today.... Still too upset processing what happened. Will write about it later...
Monday 8 August 2016
financial toll
i simply can't believe the costs of having a child, particularly in Toronto.
but even before a child is born, there are costs associated with the healthcare during pregnancy.
and then there are even greater costs when it comes to a complicated pregnancy.
I know i really can't complain because at least we have such a good health care system in Canada, relatively speaking. Something else I've been grateful about in this journal is that we are financially stable and don't have to worry too much about finances.
But what I do worry about, having been used to working with the public for so many years, is how people in less fortunate financial situations deal with this sort of thing.
some of the costs I've had to endure:
- additional doctor's notes. There was the note that indicated my expected due date, the 3-page form that my employer wanted, and the note that my employer wanted indicating that I needed modified duties at work. Total so far of $100
- parking downtown at the hospital, on average $20 each time. I was advised against walking or taking public transit, so my options, I was advised by my OB, are to drive or take a taxi
- Driving into work now and paying for parking daily at the office. I am so ridiculously fortunate I get to choose which office I work from. If I need to work downtown, that's about $20/day.
- luckily doesn't apply to me, but being unable to work half a day every single week - I can imagine for some, that's a lot of money lost. Not to mention how much money would be lost if my work could not provide modified duties and I had to go on sick leave.
also advised to do as little as possible, I am not cooking or buying groceries. Sometimes without assistance, the best thing to do in order to "do as little as possible" is to buy ready-to-eat food. Not a cheap option. Or if I need to do a quick grocery stop, I don't bother shopping around for cheap things, I have to stick to the smaller grocery store with parking close to the entrance, etc.
More things that I think doctors don't think about when they put these life-altering restrictions and expectations of you.... Or they think about, but what other option is there?
but even before a child is born, there are costs associated with the healthcare during pregnancy.
and then there are even greater costs when it comes to a complicated pregnancy.
I know i really can't complain because at least we have such a good health care system in Canada, relatively speaking. Something else I've been grateful about in this journal is that we are financially stable and don't have to worry too much about finances.
But what I do worry about, having been used to working with the public for so many years, is how people in less fortunate financial situations deal with this sort of thing.
some of the costs I've had to endure:
- additional doctor's notes. There was the note that indicated my expected due date, the 3-page form that my employer wanted, and the note that my employer wanted indicating that I needed modified duties at work. Total so far of $100
- parking downtown at the hospital, on average $20 each time. I was advised against walking or taking public transit, so my options, I was advised by my OB, are to drive or take a taxi
- Driving into work now and paying for parking daily at the office. I am so ridiculously fortunate I get to choose which office I work from. If I need to work downtown, that's about $20/day.
- luckily doesn't apply to me, but being unable to work half a day every single week - I can imagine for some, that's a lot of money lost. Not to mention how much money would be lost if my work could not provide modified duties and I had to go on sick leave.
also advised to do as little as possible, I am not cooking or buying groceries. Sometimes without assistance, the best thing to do in order to "do as little as possible" is to buy ready-to-eat food. Not a cheap option. Or if I need to do a quick grocery stop, I don't bother shopping around for cheap things, I have to stick to the smaller grocery store with parking close to the entrance, etc.
More things that I think doctors don't think about when they put these life-altering restrictions and expectations of you.... Or they think about, but what other option is there?
Friday 5 August 2016
Vaginal Progesterone
I decided to write a post about my experiences thus far with vaginal progesterone
i feel like there is so much left unsaid when prescribed this. Or at least that was my experience. My OB said to insert vaginally at night and that I could have some discharge overnight.
Well my partner went to pick them up. I told him to make sure he got specific instructions from the pharmacist. He gets home, and I ask him questions about insertion, and he tells me nothing. He tells me the pharmacist said nothing about use. He just handed me the print-out that talks about side effects etc. Generic printout for anyone taking progesterone.
So naturally, I google it. I hear some people say they use an applicator,, some one said their partner inserts because it can go deeper. Well I had no applicator and my OB told me later on, just insert it. Don`t worry about exactly where it lands.
After you insert it, apparently you`re supposed to lie down and wait about 10-30 minutes. I haven`t tested this, but I read some people say that if you pee or get up too soon, they can come out. So pee first, and make sure you`re ready to lie down.
There is definitely discharge. I remember reading someone write "I thought i was done with panty liners now that I'm pregnant!" but nope, I've read lots of people say you need to wear them all the time, until you finish with the progesterone. And thus I wear liners all the time. The discharge is definitely worse overnight and first thing in the morning. I could probably go without during the day, but there is a non-zero amount of discharge.
The other 'nice' thing I learned about these, if I believe my OB, is that there are no negative effects to baby or I, and no negative consequences of stopping at any time.
Oh, somewhat related... something that my OB didn't mention - although she did say that with a short cervix, you aren't supposed to have sex, she didn't mention that you are apparently not supposed to be sexually aroused at all either - no arousal, no orgasm. Fun! The things doctors overlook mentioning....
i feel like there is so much left unsaid when prescribed this. Or at least that was my experience. My OB said to insert vaginally at night and that I could have some discharge overnight.
Well my partner went to pick them up. I told him to make sure he got specific instructions from the pharmacist. He gets home, and I ask him questions about insertion, and he tells me nothing. He tells me the pharmacist said nothing about use. He just handed me the print-out that talks about side effects etc. Generic printout for anyone taking progesterone.
So naturally, I google it. I hear some people say they use an applicator,, some one said their partner inserts because it can go deeper. Well I had no applicator and my OB told me later on, just insert it. Don`t worry about exactly where it lands.
After you insert it, apparently you`re supposed to lie down and wait about 10-30 minutes. I haven`t tested this, but I read some people say that if you pee or get up too soon, they can come out. So pee first, and make sure you`re ready to lie down.
There is definitely discharge. I remember reading someone write "I thought i was done with panty liners now that I'm pregnant!" but nope, I've read lots of people say you need to wear them all the time, until you finish with the progesterone. And thus I wear liners all the time. The discharge is definitely worse overnight and first thing in the morning. I could probably go without during the day, but there is a non-zero amount of discharge.
The other 'nice' thing I learned about these, if I believe my OB, is that there are no negative effects to baby or I, and no negative consequences of stopping at any time.
Oh, somewhat related... something that my OB didn't mention - although she did say that with a short cervix, you aren't supposed to have sex, she didn't mention that you are apparently not supposed to be sexually aroused at all either - no arousal, no orgasm. Fun! The things doctors overlook mentioning....
21 weeks
so I may have overdone it today. Even I sat on a hospital bed in triage at 8 pm that night last week, receiving the orders from my OB not to walk farther than my mailbox/driveway, I told her that regardless, I still planned to attend my son's first field trip. I wasn't going to miss it.
It involved driving to the daycare, taking a school bus to the ferry docks, taking a ferry, and exploring Toronto Islands. My totally understanding and supportive partner took care of most of the handling of our son. I did the usual packing of diaper bag, appropriate clothing, snacks, water, etc. There was some waiting around and I sat on the floor if I had to. We arrived at the islands and I sat close to where we docked, and got some work done via my phone, despite the group exploring the island, going on rides, eating together, etc. My husband brought my son back to me so we could have lunch together, and then we just hung out on the shady grass for a short nap time. It was a beautiful day. But I "overdid it".
And sometimes I just think this is ridiculous. I must have had a short cervix last pregnancy. My OB says - who knows? Maybe I naturally have a shorter cervix and it won't risk complications. The feeling of being a walking, ticking time bomb wears off at times.
but then of course reality kicks in. It just isn't worth the risk. No more exceptions. .. at least for a while?
It involved driving to the daycare, taking a school bus to the ferry docks, taking a ferry, and exploring Toronto Islands. My totally understanding and supportive partner took care of most of the handling of our son. I did the usual packing of diaper bag, appropriate clothing, snacks, water, etc. There was some waiting around and I sat on the floor if I had to. We arrived at the islands and I sat close to where we docked, and got some work done via my phone, despite the group exploring the island, going on rides, eating together, etc. My husband brought my son back to me so we could have lunch together, and then we just hung out on the shady grass for a short nap time. It was a beautiful day. But I "overdid it".
And sometimes I just think this is ridiculous. I must have had a short cervix last pregnancy. My OB says - who knows? Maybe I naturally have a shorter cervix and it won't risk complications. The feeling of being a walking, ticking time bomb wears off at times.
but then of course reality kicks in. It just isn't worth the risk. No more exceptions. .. at least for a while?
Thursday 4 August 2016
20 weeks + 6 days
Some of my thoughts at this point:
I found it so interesting that my OB looked into my cervix length during my last pregnancy (I could not imagine a smoother, more perfect pregnancy and labour). It was not found. I had my anatomy ultrasound at a different hospital where they don't even look at cervix length. My cervix length could have been shortened without me every knowing it. And there was I jogging up until 38 weeks, and lifting oodles of things in the midst of moving to a new house down the street.
I was waiting for the all-ok of the anatomy ultrasound before I would let myself announce my pregnancy to everyone. Of course there were some slips, and everyone can tell anyway "oh, I figured you were pregnant". But now I feel like - why would I tell them? How could I say I'm pregnant when I don't even know if this pregnancy will yield a new baby? What an odd feeling.
In this terrible journey, I have had so many moments of complete gratitude. I am so endlessly grateful that my parents have been willing and able to support my partner and I. I am grateful that my partner has been understanding and communicative. I am grateful that partner and I have good paying and flexible jobs (some of the costs, like doctors' notes alone, have added up to $100). I am grateful that I have a supportive workplace and particularly, compassionate manager who enabled me to continue working under modified duties, otherwise I would be going insane at home. I am grateful that I have such a patient, transparent, reasonable, logical, understanding, empathetic, and holistic OB, with whom we are 100% on the same page.
as painful as this experience has been so far, it has taught me so much. Without pain and challenge, without discomfort, there is no growth and learning. I understand now how some people say that based on a bad experience with a pregnancy, they never want to get pregnant again. I now better understand the importance of not asking "so when are you going to get pregnant again?" or "are you pregnant yet?" I unfortunately now appreciate how insensitive I have been to others at times in the past.
Having a 20 month old son during this journey makes it a million times harder and a million times easier. When I found out the news, I was crying as I rode the subway home, amidst the rush hour crowd, thinking about how I was not going to lift him, potentially for about the next 5 months. I reflected on what a huge portion of his life 5 months was, contemplating how many experiences I would miss, how much of my involvement I would deprive him of. I thought so strongly about how I never want to be pregnant again, never want to put my child through this again. And yet at the same time, being able to see him, think about him, makes me feel so at ease. All is well - I already have the most perfect, beautiful, healthy, happy little guy.
I guess when you're being so sedentary, you have a lot of time to just think.....
I found it so interesting that my OB looked into my cervix length during my last pregnancy (I could not imagine a smoother, more perfect pregnancy and labour). It was not found. I had my anatomy ultrasound at a different hospital where they don't even look at cervix length. My cervix length could have been shortened without me every knowing it. And there was I jogging up until 38 weeks, and lifting oodles of things in the midst of moving to a new house down the street.
I was waiting for the all-ok of the anatomy ultrasound before I would let myself announce my pregnancy to everyone. Of course there were some slips, and everyone can tell anyway "oh, I figured you were pregnant". But now I feel like - why would I tell them? How could I say I'm pregnant when I don't even know if this pregnancy will yield a new baby? What an odd feeling.
In this terrible journey, I have had so many moments of complete gratitude. I am so endlessly grateful that my parents have been willing and able to support my partner and I. I am grateful that my partner has been understanding and communicative. I am grateful that partner and I have good paying and flexible jobs (some of the costs, like doctors' notes alone, have added up to $100). I am grateful that I have a supportive workplace and particularly, compassionate manager who enabled me to continue working under modified duties, otherwise I would be going insane at home. I am grateful that I have such a patient, transparent, reasonable, logical, understanding, empathetic, and holistic OB, with whom we are 100% on the same page.
as painful as this experience has been so far, it has taught me so much. Without pain and challenge, without discomfort, there is no growth and learning. I understand now how some people say that based on a bad experience with a pregnancy, they never want to get pregnant again. I now better understand the importance of not asking "so when are you going to get pregnant again?" or "are you pregnant yet?" I unfortunately now appreciate how insensitive I have been to others at times in the past.
Having a 20 month old son during this journey makes it a million times harder and a million times easier. When I found out the news, I was crying as I rode the subway home, amidst the rush hour crowd, thinking about how I was not going to lift him, potentially for about the next 5 months. I reflected on what a huge portion of his life 5 months was, contemplating how many experiences I would miss, how much of my involvement I would deprive him of. I thought so strongly about how I never want to be pregnant again, never want to put my child through this again. And yet at the same time, being able to see him, think about him, makes me feel so at ease. All is well - I already have the most perfect, beautiful, healthy, happy little guy.
I guess when you're being so sedentary, you have a lot of time to just think.....
Timeline
So today I am 20 w + 6 days.
LMP: March 10.
EDD: Dec 16, 2016 (Adjusted as per dating ultrasound)
Anatomy ultrasound was July 19 - 18w+4. (I was looking forward to this day so much. So excited and so anxious...). The technician was exceptionally nice. Maybe because he knew what was in store for me. After the scan they called my name sooner than others that had been waiting longer. Ok, odd. I get up, and before i can reach the staff who called my name, a few metres away, they are telling me "go straight to your OB".
Not what I wanted to hear.
Go to my OB's office. OB is not there. DEFINITELY not what I wanted to hear. I am scheduled in first thing the next morning.
July 20 - 18w+5. My OB tells me that the u/s doctor found my cervix length to be 2.1 cm. However, my OB reviewed my scans with a high-risk OB, and determined that a clearer scan or more accurate measurement may be 2.6 cm, and there are no signs of funnelling. She explains my options and eventually we agree on vaginal progesterone and monitoring closely on weekly basis. She tells me to stop running (I had registered and trained for a 10k race taking place on July 24), and no more than 20-30 minutes of brisk walking.
July 27 - 19w+5. Follow up ultrasound. Cervix length 2.2cm. But this time they see funnelling. I am told to go home, pack up for the night and return to triage for a cerclage. She tells me I will likely be able to return home the following day, but should be engaging in as little activity as possible.
- I head home, frantically and unsuccessfully calling my partner, but successfully reaching my manager. So being the first person I speak to since the news, I am crying on the phone explaining my predicament and the unknowns of the rest of the work week.
- I get home, pack up, partner and i head to the hospital.
- We meet with my OB again. She reviewed the scans. Actually, a clearer measurement that she and the high-risk OB agreed on was 2.4 cm, and they didn't feel there was significant funnelling. She tells me that all things taken into account, the risks do not outweight the benefits of the cerclage She tells me I still have about a 10% chance of delivering before 32 weeks. We decide to continue with the progesterone and monitor weekly.
- She tells me to either work from home or only at a desk at work, and only if I can drive in. No walking further than the mailbox or driveway.
Aug 2 - 20w+4. follow up ultrasound. Cervix length 2.2 cm. No Funnelling!
- I think we are all glad to see some stability in the length, and of course, the lack of funnelling.
- the plan is continue progesterone, continue weekly monitoring, continue as little activity as possible
- as a side note, first thing the nurse asked was "are you on bed rest?" and eventually "you should do as little as possible, stay in bed as much as possible". I told her I'd feel so much better after 24-25 weeks since I'll reach the viability stage, but she tells me that 24-28 weeks is actually the worst time because baby could survive but under poor conditions. Thanks for the pep talk.
So here we are today, at 20 weeks + 6 days.
Modified work - I drive in, and sit at a desk all day.
As little lifting/walking/standing as feasible
Taking things day by day. And going out of my mind with fear, trying not to shit my pants, nor go into labour.
LMP: March 10.
EDD: Dec 16, 2016 (Adjusted as per dating ultrasound)
Anatomy ultrasound was July 19 - 18w+4. (I was looking forward to this day so much. So excited and so anxious...). The technician was exceptionally nice. Maybe because he knew what was in store for me. After the scan they called my name sooner than others that had been waiting longer. Ok, odd. I get up, and before i can reach the staff who called my name, a few metres away, they are telling me "go straight to your OB".
Not what I wanted to hear.
Go to my OB's office. OB is not there. DEFINITELY not what I wanted to hear. I am scheduled in first thing the next morning.
July 20 - 18w+5. My OB tells me that the u/s doctor found my cervix length to be 2.1 cm. However, my OB reviewed my scans with a high-risk OB, and determined that a clearer scan or more accurate measurement may be 2.6 cm, and there are no signs of funnelling. She explains my options and eventually we agree on vaginal progesterone and monitoring closely on weekly basis. She tells me to stop running (I had registered and trained for a 10k race taking place on July 24), and no more than 20-30 minutes of brisk walking.
July 27 - 19w+5. Follow up ultrasound. Cervix length 2.2cm. But this time they see funnelling. I am told to go home, pack up for the night and return to triage for a cerclage. She tells me I will likely be able to return home the following day, but should be engaging in as little activity as possible.
- I head home, frantically and unsuccessfully calling my partner, but successfully reaching my manager. So being the first person I speak to since the news, I am crying on the phone explaining my predicament and the unknowns of the rest of the work week.
- I get home, pack up, partner and i head to the hospital.
- We meet with my OB again. She reviewed the scans. Actually, a clearer measurement that she and the high-risk OB agreed on was 2.4 cm, and they didn't feel there was significant funnelling. She tells me that all things taken into account, the risks do not outweight the benefits of the cerclage She tells me I still have about a 10% chance of delivering before 32 weeks. We decide to continue with the progesterone and monitor weekly.
- She tells me to either work from home or only at a desk at work, and only if I can drive in. No walking further than the mailbox or driveway.
Aug 2 - 20w+4. follow up ultrasound. Cervix length 2.2 cm. No Funnelling!
- I think we are all glad to see some stability in the length, and of course, the lack of funnelling.
- the plan is continue progesterone, continue weekly monitoring, continue as little activity as possible
- as a side note, first thing the nurse asked was "are you on bed rest?" and eventually "you should do as little as possible, stay in bed as much as possible". I told her I'd feel so much better after 24-25 weeks since I'll reach the viability stage, but she tells me that 24-28 weeks is actually the worst time because baby could survive but under poor conditions. Thanks for the pep talk.
So here we are today, at 20 weeks + 6 days.
Modified work - I drive in, and sit at a desk all day.
As little lifting/walking/standing as feasible
Taking things day by day. And going out of my mind with fear, trying not to shit my pants, nor go into labour.
Why the blog?
so I decided to start a blog because for the past two weeks, since being diagnosed with a short cervix I have been desperately searching the internet for anything... forum discussions, facebook postings, scholarly journal articles, random online medical pages (so-called, anyway)... It looks like there are so many people in the same position, problem is, all the posts are so old. It is so hard to connect with others currently in the same situation.
funny how this problem is so rare and yet so common at all once.
So i decided I would start a blog and see if there are others in my position, also desperately perusing the internet, who might stumble on this page, and so maybe we can support each other through this terrible time of uncertainty and anxiety.
I think it also helps to let all the thoughts out. So excuse me while I use this page as an outlet for all the crap that runs through my mind all day every day these days....
funny how this problem is so rare and yet so common at all once.
So i decided I would start a blog and see if there are others in my position, also desperately perusing the internet, who might stumble on this page, and so maybe we can support each other through this terrible time of uncertainty and anxiety.
I think it also helps to let all the thoughts out. So excuse me while I use this page as an outlet for all the crap that runs through my mind all day every day these days....
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