24 weeks + 2

i never could relate to people saying that every passing day is a blessing, but since 2 days ago, reaching viability, I understand how that has now become true. I am in a period now where I worry even more every moment about what life will look like if I went into labour. I am truly grateful for each passing day now that baby keeps cooking. Every day, getting stronger, and odds of complications diminishing.

I was thinking also on one hand, I am so lucky to be able to get paid (sick pay) for literally doing nothing, killing time. How could this not be everyone's dream, to get a good pay while doing nothing?

And on the other hand, this is such a hard time. There is so much to be done. And I cannot do it. I have to do nothing, rather than fulfill my role as a mother, and wife.

Yesterday I totally broke down. Worse than I have ever broken down in this journey. I'm not sure if it's the stress of entering the viability zone, or it was my first day of non-productiveness, because my leave of absence from work has officially begun, but I felt so completely and utterly helpless.

My parents have been helping out, but my father has gotten sick twice in the past 2 weeks. He is exhausted from taking care of my son, and he is disenchanted by the fact that we want to raise my son so differently from how my father raised my brother and I. My parents need to leave soon to take care of affairs at home and pick up medication a 6 hour drive away. Leaving everything for my partner to do. My father expressed some feelings of not wanting to be around, or so I felt, and yet I couldn't just tell them "well then just leave, we don't need your help". How could that be true? how could I possibly make that call for my partner? I am completely helpless. Putting everyone is such a horrible position. While here I lie. Literally doing nothing about anything.

I had a terrible night. I woke up with the feeling still lingering and started to cry immediately. I just wanted to stay unconscious. But I felt guilty about continuing to sleep, knowing that my family are busy taking care of things at home.

somehow I need to keep finding strength and positivity. This stress cannot be good for my situation.

But I am not in a good place right now.