well it happened. I knew it would. The first of many.
I broke down. I cried today. I am sick of it already, even though I am relatively at the beginning of this long road ahead. I am sick of everyone having do everything for me. I feel so useless about needing help to get a glass of water because I'm not supposed to walk across the room if I don't have to. But most of all, I'm sick of not being able to participate in my son's life.
This morning, for the first time in a long time, he didn't yell "mommy!! mommy!!" excitedly when he heard me approach. He didn't even say it when I came into sight, or when I asked for a kiss, or gave him a bear hug. He just asked for his grandfather. In fact I don't think asked for me or showed excitement to see me once today.
My heart is broken.
I can't even go to the park with him even though it is only a 3-4 minute walk away. I considered driving and thought how ridiculous that might be. We went to the library but as soon as his grandfather walked away, my son went looking for him, and I became so nervous about the extra walking and standing.
And so the only thing left for me to be productive in is my work. And I'm getting more and more useless there too, soon that may even be stopping. Maybe just one more week. Then will things fall apart? Will I fall into yet a deeper depression?
What is worse for my unborn baby right now? is the movement creating a true risk of preterm labour? Or am i just putting myself through depression and the people around me through hell, when the risks are not real? What is the damage of all these negative feelings and resulting hormones on my unborn baby?
How long does it take a 21 month old to forget his mother?
No comments:
Post a Comment