24 weeks + 4 - hospital discharge

I had my 2nd in-hospital ultrasound yesterday. Measurements stayed stable between 0.9 to 1.1 cm. So I was discharged home last night.

The odd thing was that again, i applied fundal pressure, and it seemed that my cervix lengthened. She didn't bother to measure it though.

The disturbing part of yesterday was that I was told so much conflicting advice yesterday. Or so it felt to me.

The discharge forms say to pretty much replicate my activity in hospital - that would mean being in bed most of the day, not getting up to prepare meals, or do any cleaning whatsoever, do everything seated including brushing my teeth/wash my face etc. Whereas a nurse told me that I can do some like cooking and light cleaning, e.g. put something in the oven and sit down. I was told that I can go up/down stairs. No lifting.

The doctor there told me that I can walk around the block, do some light cooking.

My OB on the other hand has told me in the past to not walk farther than my mailbox or driveway which is very different from "Walk around the block".

A nurse in the past had told me to be on bedrest as much as possible basically. Stay horizontal when possible.

people online in forums and facebook seem to always say to do less, that bedrest works.

in the end, the bottom line, it's clear to me, is that the evidence for bedrest is inconclusive, or at worst, is even unsupported. It has to do with what is feasible and the amount of risk that I am comfortable with. I am so lucky to have a supportive husband who wants me to do as little as possible for the next month, the most crucial weeks - weeks 24 to 28, thus we will replicate my hospital stay as much as possible.

24 weeks + 2

i never could relate to people saying that every passing day is a blessing, but since 2 days ago, reaching viability, I understand how that has now become true. I am in a period now where I worry even more every moment about what life will look like if I went into labour. I am truly grateful for each passing day now that baby keeps cooking. Every day, getting stronger, and odds of complications diminishing.

I was thinking also on one hand, I am so lucky to be able to get paid (sick pay) for literally doing nothing, killing time. How could this not be everyone's dream, to get a good pay while doing nothing?

And on the other hand, this is such a hard time. There is so much to be done. And I cannot do it. I have to do nothing, rather than fulfill my role as a mother, and wife.

Yesterday I totally broke down. Worse than I have ever broken down in this journey. I'm not sure if it's the stress of entering the viability zone, or it was my first day of non-productiveness, because my leave of absence from work has officially begun, but I felt so completely and utterly helpless.

My parents have been helping out, but my father has gotten sick twice in the past 2 weeks. He is exhausted from taking care of my son, and he is disenchanted by the fact that we want to raise my son so differently from how my father raised my brother and I. My parents need to leave soon to take care of affairs at home and pick up medication a 6 hour drive away. Leaving everything for my partner to do. My father expressed some feelings of not wanting to be around, or so I felt, and yet I couldn't just tell them "well then just leave, we don't need your help". How could that be true? how could I possibly make that call for my partner? I am completely helpless. Putting everyone is such a horrible position. While here I lie. Literally doing nothing about anything.

I had a terrible night. I woke up with the feeling still lingering and started to cry immediately. I just wanted to stay unconscious. But I felt guilty about continuing to sleep, knowing that my family are busy taking care of things at home.

somehow I need to keep finding strength and positivity. This stress cannot be good for my situation.

But I am not in a good place right now.

24 weeks + 1 - Officially on Leave of Absence

more and more confusion...

It is day 3 of my hospital admission. Now Saturday morning, and I have been here since very very early on Thursday morning.

Yesterday I had my first inpatient ultrasound. 1.1 cm without fundal pressure. no funneling. 1.1 cm with fundal pressure. What?

First of all, I guess it's good news that the measurement is "stable" compared to the last fundal pressure measurement from Wednesday, 2 days prior. But the non-fundal pressure measurement went from 1.9 to 1.1 cm in 2 days. Isn't that bad? Both the technician and my (most amazingly wonderful) OB said that I was stable, and they were very positive about the results.

I'm a bit confused. Almost 2 cm, and then drop to pretty much 1 cm in 1 week. Isn't that bad? Apparently we only care about the (properly applied) fundal pressure measurement though.

Is it bad I am enjoying my admission? Granted I feel terrible that my family have to do everything while I lay around with full service, now getting to enjoy my own leisure activities. All day Thursday and all day Friday I was working at max-stress levels (and constantly worried about the effects on my baby) because of all the work that comes with suddenly having to go off on leave. Usually it takes about a week to get work in order to go away for 1 week. Now I have to be away for 4 weeks, minimum, with only 2 days to prepare, and a student to finish precepting. I had a headache everyday, and yesterday I worked until about 8 pm.

so today is the true beginning of my leave of absence from work (even though I have a few things to finish on Monday and a colleague to speak to on Tuesday). I feel much more relaxed. I started listening to some podcasts/radio documentaries and working on my scrapbook/photo album. The staff bring me food and water, I have everything I need, a nicely lit private hospital room. Life is "good".

Am I allowed to feel like life is good? It seems unfair to my family. But then again, what can I do about it? everyone tells me to relax, take it easy, that that's what baby needs.

But of course being in the hospital means getting visitors like the NICU pediatrician. She came and gave me a long grocery list of possible complications that come with a premie baby. A good reminder to take care of myself now. So that I take care of the baby.

And I am so, so incredibly blessed to have such supportive family who understand this.

Tonight, I go out for the first time since Wednesday night - meeting friends for dessert!

23 weeks + 6 - hospital admission

almost to goal #1 of 24 weeks.

but it's been a rough week. 

yesterday, 3 pm, feels like 3 weeks ago. For my weekly ultrasound, the tech told me to apply fundal pressure in a particular way this time. She said to push downward from the top of my belly as though I am pushing my baby out, in order to mimic the pressure placed on the cervix when i am standing. I've never gotten clear instructions like that before. I did that. Measurement? 0.9 cm.

what a big difference. From applying fundal pressure properly.

So my OB checked with the high risk OB on call. They decided I should be admitted for monitoring. The high risk OB thought I should stay a few weeks. my OB said stay until Monday. She said I could opt for staying at home but the problem would be scheduling the frequent ultrasounds between now and Monday. So we decided to play it safe, my OB had already compromised by recommending a few days in hospital, rather than a few weeks. So we went with that.

and then i started bawling. I have never been away from my son more than about 4-5 hours. And now I face my first night away from him. 

My OB said to remember, you are giving him the best gift, a healthy sibling. She told me not to feel guilty. 

I cried in the car on the way home. 

He looked so happy when we arrived home. He was eating happily and rambling random things as usual. We all spent time together. My partner got him ready for bed, my father stayed with him to get him to sleep. 

And off we went back to the hospital. 

We arrived at 8:30 pm. Triage sent us to the Antenatal unit. The antenatal unit said they have no beds, they don't know who I am. They sent me back to triage. At Triage, we waited until around 11:30 pm before we were seen by a resident. They have a room for me. Went back to Antenatal, waited about 45 minutes for them to prepare a room. By 1 am, I was in my pyjamas, lying in bed, having blood drawn, vital signs checked. And then left to turn and turn and turn in the cold noisy hospital room alone until I fell asleep around 2 .

I was feeling guilty for being away from my son, for not being there for him, and I felt guilty for my family having to do so much in my absence, felt guilty that I am not able to pull my weight. 

Other than that, I hate to admit it, but I kind of like being in the hospital. Of course I feel guilty about that too. But since being a baby, I have only been admitted in the hospital when I gave birth. People come and take care of you, they bring your food, clean up afterwards. It's so stress-free. I don't deserve this. 

But my OB agreed to write a note for work stating I am going off work after Friday Aug 26. It gives me 2 full work days to tie up loose ends before being off for a full 4 weeks, at least. 

So work was a damn shit show today. And will be a shit show x1000 tomorrow. 

And then I rest another few days. If the measurements get worse, maybe I stay longer. If the measurements get better, maybe I go home earlier. We wait and see. 

And wait, and wait.... 

Resources

Over time, I've found a few great resources. Here they are:

Facebook Support Groups:
- Incompetent Cervix Support Group
- Incompetent Cervix Awareness

Forum:
http://forum.keepemcookin.com/ - a forum focusing on preventing preterm birth

Youtube:
- no specific links, but when I have time, I like searching for Vlogs of other girls who were diagnosed with short/incompetent cervix.

These resources have helped so much in giving me answers and hope!

23 weeks + 1

well it happened. I knew it would. The first of many.

I broke down. I cried today. I am sick of it already, even though I am relatively at the beginning of this long road ahead. I am sick of everyone having do everything for me. I feel so useless about needing help to get a glass of water because I'm not supposed to walk across the room if I don't have to. But most of all, I'm sick of not being able to participate in my son's life.

This morning, for the first time in a long time, he didn't yell "mommy!! mommy!!" excitedly when he heard me approach. He didn't even say it when I came into sight, or when I asked for a kiss, or gave him a bear hug. He just asked for his grandfather. In fact I don't think asked for me or showed excitement to see me once today.

My heart is broken.

I can't even go to the park with him even though it is only a 3-4 minute walk away. I considered driving and thought how ridiculous that might be. We went to the library but as soon as his grandfather walked away, my son went looking for him, and I became so nervous about the extra walking and standing.

And so the only thing left for me to be productive in is my work. And I'm getting more and more useless there too, soon that may even be stopping. Maybe just one more week. Then will things fall apart? Will I fall into yet a deeper depression?

What is worse for my unborn baby right now? is the movement creating a true risk of preterm labour? Or am i just putting myself through depression and the people around me through hell, when the risks are not real? What is the damage of all these negative feelings and resulting hormones on my unborn baby?

How long does it take a 21 month old to forget his mother?

22 weeks + 5

more bad news.

transvaginal ultrasound today: drop from 2.4 cm last week to 1.9 cm today.

(mind you it was the worst ultrasound I've had yet at the hospital, and I remember thinking about the technician 'oh I bet you're going to come up with some shitty number that I won't trust'; when i told my partner how shitty the technician was, he also independently said 'well then i don't even know if i would trust her measurement').

luckily we met with a great OB, it seemed. He didn't seem worried but did say the usual "you're off work right now, right? No? Ok well stop working as of today".

He made sure I was taken care of, walked me over to the OB covering for my doctor who is on vacation, made sure they were aware of my situation, made sure they wrote me a note indicating that i should be off work now (with the addition of "or working from home" after I pushed for it)

I don't know how many times I've had to go through this conversation... no, I am not on bedrest; yes, I feel like I can keep working. Thus I negotiated working from home.

so there goes another grip on normalcy.

Recently I have been having trouble concentrating or being effective or useful in any way outside of work. At work, I feel productive, I feel like I am using my brain. I feel useful. So there goes that down the toilet.

Last pregnancy, I ran and because I was being active, I ate better, and because everything was just dandy, I was ecstatically happy. I felt like I was doing everything right to give my baby a good head start.

Which makes me feel this time like the shittiest mother in the world to this baby that isn't even born yet and I don't even know if he/she will make it. I am already not listening to my body (which is screaming at me to be active), even though listening to my body has brought me to unimaginable places that have impressed the hell out of myself... So I feel like I am not taking care of myself physically by being so inactive, and I am so anxious/sad/disappointed, which is negatively affecting my unborn baby and all my loved ones around me. This is terrible.

But after speaking to so many people, everyone just urges me to stop working. Before, I was certain of my decision that I could keep working and it was not negatively impacting anything. I still have my doubts about the significance of a short cervix, and feel like I could've had a short cervix the last pregnancy, except no one felt the need to check. And so now with all the advice, the guilt is just piling on, and I'm thinking that if something happens to the baby, I now will in fact feel responsible, like I could've done something differently.

And so the decision as of now, is that I plan to stop working at the end of next week, when I am done supervising my student and covering for a vacationing colleague.

And then there goes my last grip of normalcy. Enter a dark world of bedrest and lack of activity and feelings of uselessness....

exercise and other restrictions

it's so tough to go from exercising 3-4 times per week, to minimizing any movement whatsoever.

Before this, the longest I had gone without jogging, since I started jogging years ago, was 6 weeks. And that was from 38 weeks pregnant to 4 weeks post partum.

Now I am reaching a new record.

It's tough too because as much as I trust and believe in my OB 100%, my partner and I didn't get the sense that she knew much about what causes strain on the cervix. I really never understood why she said standing is worse than sitting upright, for example. She didn't seem to have a good explanation. My partner and I are logical people - almost to a fault. We are annoyingly logically. When we first started dating, we bonded over our common love for math. Our OB is also incredibly logical and rational, but for this question of mine, her answer felt very lacking.

it turns out that after lots of reading, it sounds like some people with a incompetent cervix are told they cannot sit more upright than at a 45 degree recline because it puts too much pressure on the cervix. This makes much more sense to me.

So while my OB has me on modified activities at work, I am still sitting all day. The only way, I have come to believe (whether evidence-based or not), that I will be avoiding strain from sitting is to sit reclined. so there I am at work. Now no longer completing my full duties, and slouched like a couch potato all day. Lookin' good.

I asked my doctor if I could do any exercises laying down or seated, to prevent atrophy, to maintain strength and encourage circulation. She told me I could do leg lifts, etc. When my partner asked if abdominal strain from leg exercises would put pressure on the cervix, again, she didn't seem to give a straight answer.  It's something I haven't bothered to look up scholarly journals on. I did a quick google search and found almost nothing about what exercises can be done while on bedrest with shortened cervix. I think it's just an uncommon concern, considering the focus is to limit activity.

so every once in a while I get a little gutsy and start doing some leg lifts. Today I even had my son on my legs while I lifted him. But after a while, the paranoia kicks in again, and I give up.

So I think to myself - am I being cautious, or am I now just getting lazy?

22 weeks

People always say every day counts but for some reason I can only appreciate the weeks. I am obsessed with the weeks. My first goal is 24 weeks, then 25 weeks, then 28 weeks. Right now the thought of making it to 28 weeks is enough. I feel like if I make it there, it will give me so much relief. In reality I know that if or when I reach there, I will only be happy with another 4 weeks of cooking. Always another few weeks.

And to think that with a normal pregnancy, people just get so impatient at the end wishing baby would hurry and come. funny how I would just kill to be in that position of being able to wish baby would hurry to come, rather than fearing every moment that baby will come too soon.

Initially I think my partner didn't understand about the weeks. When I told him my first goal is just to get to 24-25 weeks, he responded that he wanted us to make it to at least 32. It's something that someone else could not understand without being in this body. No one else could know what it feels like to live this fear every moment, to have to be cognisant and cautious of every moment. The minutes can pass like hours and weeks now pass like years. I cannot wait another 10 weeks to feel relief. I need my small goals to keep me going.

Thank goodness my parents are back to visit from out if town. They will be helping out for a week or two. I thought my partner was going to go crazy and kill us all. I feel terrible about how much everyone has to do for me, especially my partner when my parents aren't around.

22 weeks - modified work (drama)

Since my second cervix length measurement at 19-20 weeks, around July 28, when funnelling was first seen, I have been on modified work duties. I have been so fortunate to have a compassionate and accommodating manager who supported me from moments after I found out.

But yesterday, I had a conversation with my occ health nurse at work that haunted me until this morning. The purpose of meeting was to discuss my modified workplan, but truly, the nurse wanted to ask me "basically we wanted to know, should you really be here [at work]?". She went on about the concern of "losing your baby" which really distrbed me and made me question my decision to continue working. But I explained that i had a very holistic and understanding OB who knew how important work was to my mental health and whose opinion I trust about the safety of continuing on modified duties. But then I am starting to doubt myself.

The nice thing at least, was she said "I've heard you are a workaholic, not just from one person. I hear you would still be working if you were on your death bed". Yeah can't argue that, lol.

 But I started wondering.... Are they trying to get rid of me because I am a burden to them in that they now need to accommodate my special needs? Or are they truly concerned and I am putting my baby in unnecessary risk? Either way then I feel bad!!

I have heard bad things about this nurse, about her being cold, unempathetic, etc. After lots of reflection I realised I was disturbed because her wording of the question insinuated that I should not be at work, there was a judgmental tone to the question which made me feel like I was being criticised for making a decision that was putting my baby at risk. In the end I decided she probably meant well, but I guess she just lacked the tact to word her question or concern in a more sensitive manner.

Oh the doubts and the guilt and the mind games of pregnancy

21 weeks + 5 days

Yesterday was 21w+5. Went in for my 4th consecutive weekly transvaginal ultrasound. Good news! 2.4 cm and no funneling. I was sent home without even needing to speak a word to a doctor. I felt so great about staying stable (past weeks 2.1, 2.2, 2.2). Either the short cervix means nothing, or the rest and progesterone are working. I was so relieved that my partner felt we should continue as before - I rest as much as possible. I was beaming with the news and support of partner.

But all of that is overshadowed by a terrible conversation I had with my occupational health nurse at work today.... Still too upset processing what happened. Will write about it later...

financial toll

i simply can't believe the costs of having a child, particularly in Toronto.

but even before a child is born, there are costs associated with the healthcare during pregnancy.

and then there are even greater costs when it comes to a complicated pregnancy.

I know i really can't complain because at least we have such a good health care system in Canada, relatively speaking. Something else I've been grateful about in this journal is that we are financially stable and don't have to worry too much about finances.

But what I do worry about, having been used to working with the public for so many years, is how people in less fortunate financial situations deal with this sort of thing.

some of the costs I've had to endure:
- additional doctor's notes. There was the note that indicated my expected due date, the 3-page form that my employer wanted, and the note that my employer wanted indicating that I needed modified duties at work. Total so far of $100
- parking downtown at the hospital, on average $20 each time. I was advised against walking or taking public transit, so my options, I was advised by my OB, are to drive or take a taxi
- Driving into work now and paying for parking daily at the office. I am so ridiculously fortunate I get to choose which office I work from. If I need to work downtown, that's about $20/day.
- luckily doesn't apply to me, but being unable to work half a day every single week  - I can imagine for some, that's a lot of money lost. Not to mention how much money would be lost if my work could not provide modified duties and I had to go on sick leave.

also advised to do as little as possible, I am not cooking or buying groceries. Sometimes without assistance, the best thing to do in order to "do as little as possible" is to buy ready-to-eat food. Not a cheap option. Or if I need to do a quick grocery stop, I don't bother shopping around for cheap things, I have to stick to the smaller grocery store with parking close to the entrance, etc.

More things that I think doctors don't think about when they put these life-altering restrictions and expectations of you....  Or they think about, but what other option is there?

Vaginal Progesterone

I decided to write a post about my experiences thus far with vaginal progesterone

i feel like there is so much left unsaid when prescribed this. Or at least that was my experience. My OB said to insert vaginally at night and that I could have some discharge overnight.

Well my partner went to pick them up. I told him to make sure he got specific instructions from the pharmacist. He gets home, and I ask him questions about insertion, and he tells me nothing. He tells me the pharmacist said nothing about use. He just handed me the print-out that talks about side effects etc. Generic printout for anyone taking progesterone.

So naturally, I google it. I hear some people say they use an applicator,, some one said their partner inserts because it can go deeper. Well I had no applicator and my OB told me later on, just insert it. Don`t worry about exactly where it lands.

After you insert it, apparently you`re supposed to lie down and wait about 10-30 minutes. I haven`t tested this, but I read some people say that if you pee or get up too soon, they can come out. So pee first, and make sure you`re ready to lie down.

There is definitely discharge. I remember reading someone write "I thought i was done with panty liners now that I'm pregnant!" but nope, I've read lots of people say you need to wear them all the time, until you finish with the progesterone. And thus I wear liners all the time. The discharge is definitely worse overnight and first thing in the morning. I could probably go without during the day, but there is a non-zero amount of discharge.

The other 'nice' thing I learned about these, if I believe my OB, is that there are no negative effects to baby or I, and no negative consequences of stopping at any time.

Oh, somewhat related... something that my OB didn't mention - although she did say that with a short cervix, you aren't supposed to have sex, she didn't mention that you are apparently not supposed to be sexually aroused at all either - no arousal, no orgasm. Fun! The things doctors overlook mentioning....

21 weeks

so I may have overdone it today. Even I sat on a hospital bed in triage at 8 pm that night last week, receiving the orders from my OB not to walk farther than my mailbox/driveway, I told her that regardless, I still planned to attend my son's first field trip. I wasn't going to miss it.

It involved driving to the daycare, taking a school bus to the ferry docks, taking a ferry, and exploring Toronto Islands. My totally understanding and supportive partner took care of most of the handling of our son. I did the usual packing of diaper bag, appropriate clothing, snacks, water, etc. There was some waiting around and I sat on the floor if I had to. We arrived at the islands and I sat close to where we docked, and got some work done via my phone, despite the group exploring the island, going on rides, eating together, etc. My husband brought my son back to me so we could have lunch together, and then we just hung out on the shady grass for a short nap time. It was a beautiful day. But I "overdid it".

And sometimes I just think this is ridiculous. I must have had a short cervix last pregnancy. My OB says - who knows? Maybe I naturally have a shorter cervix and it won't risk complications. The feeling of being a walking, ticking time bomb wears off at times.

but then of course reality kicks in. It just isn't worth the risk. No more exceptions. .. at least for a while?

20 weeks + 6 days

Some of my thoughts at this point:

I found it so interesting that my OB looked into my cervix length during my last pregnancy (I could not imagine a smoother, more perfect pregnancy and labour). It was not found. I had my anatomy ultrasound at a different hospital where they don't even look at cervix length. My cervix length could have been shortened without me every knowing it. And there was I jogging up until 38 weeks, and lifting oodles of things in the midst of moving to a new house down the street.

I was waiting for the all-ok of the anatomy ultrasound before I would let myself announce my pregnancy to everyone. Of course there were some slips, and everyone can tell anyway "oh, I figured you were pregnant". But now I feel like  - why would I tell them? How could I say I'm pregnant when I don't even know if this pregnancy will yield a new baby? What an odd feeling.

In this terrible journey, I have had so many moments of complete gratitude. I am so endlessly grateful that my parents have been willing and able to support my partner and I. I am grateful that my partner has been understanding and communicative. I am grateful that partner and I have good paying and flexible jobs (some of the costs, like doctors' notes alone, have added up to $100). I am grateful that I have a supportive workplace and particularly, compassionate manager who enabled me to continue working under modified duties, otherwise I would be going insane at home. I am grateful that I have such a patient, transparent, reasonable, logical, understanding, empathetic, and holistic OB, with whom we are 100% on the same page.

as painful as this experience has been so far, it has taught me so much. Without pain and challenge, without discomfort, there is no growth and learning. I understand now how some people say that based on a bad experience with a pregnancy, they never want to get pregnant again. I now better understand the importance of not asking "so when are you going to get pregnant again?" or "are you pregnant yet?" I unfortunately now appreciate how insensitive I have been to others at times in the past.

Having a 20 month old son during this journey makes it a million times harder and a million times easier. When I found out the news, I was crying as I rode the subway home, amidst the rush hour crowd, thinking about how I was not going to lift him, potentially for about the next 5 months. I reflected on what a huge portion of his life 5 months was, contemplating how many experiences I would miss, how much of my involvement I would deprive him of. I thought so strongly about how I never want to be pregnant again, never want to put my child through this again. And yet at the same time, being able to see him, think about him, makes me feel so at ease. All is well - I already have the most perfect, beautiful, healthy, happy little guy.

I guess when you're being so sedentary, you have a lot of time to just think.....

Timeline

So today I am 20 w + 6 days.

LMP: March 10.
EDD: Dec 16, 2016 (Adjusted as per dating ultrasound)

Anatomy ultrasound was July 19 - 18w+4. (I was looking forward to this day so much. So excited and so anxious...). The technician was exceptionally nice. Maybe because he knew what was in store for me. After the scan they called my name sooner than others that had been waiting longer. Ok, odd. I get up, and before i can reach the staff who called my name, a few metres away, they are telling me "go straight to your OB".

Not what I wanted to hear.

Go to my OB's office. OB is not there. DEFINITELY not what I wanted to hear. I am scheduled in first thing the next morning.

July 20 - 18w+5. My OB tells me that the u/s doctor found my cervix length to be 2.1 cm. However, my OB reviewed my scans with a high-risk OB, and determined that a clearer scan or more accurate measurement may be 2.6 cm, and there are no signs of funnelling. She explains my options and eventually we agree on vaginal progesterone and monitoring closely on weekly basis. She tells me to stop running (I had registered and trained for a 10k race taking place on July 24), and no more than 20-30 minutes of brisk walking.

July 27 - 19w+5.  Follow up ultrasound. Cervix length 2.2cm. But this time they see funnelling. I am told to go home, pack up for the night and return to triage for a cerclage. She tells me I will likely be able to return home the following day, but should be engaging in as little activity as possible.
- I head home, frantically and unsuccessfully calling my partner, but successfully reaching my manager. So being the first person I speak to since the news, I am crying on the phone explaining my predicament and the unknowns of the rest of the work week.
- I get home, pack up, partner and i head to the hospital.
- We meet with my OB again. She reviewed the scans. Actually, a clearer measurement that she and the high-risk OB agreed on was 2.4 cm, and they didn't feel there was significant funnelling. She tells me that all things taken into account, the risks do not outweight the benefits of the cerclage She tells me I still have about a 10% chance of delivering before 32 weeks. We decide to continue with the progesterone and monitor weekly.
- She tells me to either work from home or only at a desk at work, and only if I can drive in. No walking further than the mailbox or driveway.

Aug 2 - 20w+4. follow up ultrasound. Cervix length 2.2 cm. No Funnelling!
- I think we are all glad to see some stability in the length, and of course, the lack of funnelling.
- the plan is continue progesterone, continue weekly monitoring, continue as little activity as possible
- as a side note, first thing the nurse asked was "are you on bed rest?" and eventually "you should do as little as possible, stay in bed as much as possible". I told her I'd feel so much better after 24-25 weeks since I'll reach the viability stage, but she tells me that 24-28 weeks is actually the worst time because baby could survive but under poor conditions. Thanks for the pep talk.

So here we are today, at 20 weeks + 6 days.
Modified work - I drive in, and sit at a desk all day.
As little lifting/walking/standing as feasible
Taking things day by day. And going out of my mind with fear, trying not to shit my pants, nor go into labour.

Why the blog?

so I decided to start a blog because for the past two weeks, since being diagnosed with a short cervix I have been desperately searching the internet for anything... forum discussions, facebook postings, scholarly journal articles, random online medical pages (so-called, anyway)... It looks like there are so many people in the same position, problem is, all the posts are so old. It is so hard to connect with others currently in the same situation.

funny how this problem is so rare and yet so common at all once.

So i decided I would start a blog and see if there are others in my position, also desperately perusing the internet, who might stumble on this page, and so maybe we can support each other through this terrible time of uncertainty and anxiety.

I think it also helps to let all the thoughts out. So excuse me while I use this page as an outlet for all the crap that runs through my mind all day every day these days....