20 weeks + 6 days

Some of my thoughts at this point:

I found it so interesting that my OB looked into my cervix length during my last pregnancy (I could not imagine a smoother, more perfect pregnancy and labour). It was not found. I had my anatomy ultrasound at a different hospital where they don't even look at cervix length. My cervix length could have been shortened without me every knowing it. And there was I jogging up until 38 weeks, and lifting oodles of things in the midst of moving to a new house down the street.

I was waiting for the all-ok of the anatomy ultrasound before I would let myself announce my pregnancy to everyone. Of course there were some slips, and everyone can tell anyway "oh, I figured you were pregnant". But now I feel like  - why would I tell them? How could I say I'm pregnant when I don't even know if this pregnancy will yield a new baby? What an odd feeling.

In this terrible journey, I have had so many moments of complete gratitude. I am so endlessly grateful that my parents have been willing and able to support my partner and I. I am grateful that my partner has been understanding and communicative. I am grateful that partner and I have good paying and flexible jobs (some of the costs, like doctors' notes alone, have added up to $100). I am grateful that I have a supportive workplace and particularly, compassionate manager who enabled me to continue working under modified duties, otherwise I would be going insane at home. I am grateful that I have such a patient, transparent, reasonable, logical, understanding, empathetic, and holistic OB, with whom we are 100% on the same page.

as painful as this experience has been so far, it has taught me so much. Without pain and challenge, without discomfort, there is no growth and learning. I understand now how some people say that based on a bad experience with a pregnancy, they never want to get pregnant again. I now better understand the importance of not asking "so when are you going to get pregnant again?" or "are you pregnant yet?" I unfortunately now appreciate how insensitive I have been to others at times in the past.

Having a 20 month old son during this journey makes it a million times harder and a million times easier. When I found out the news, I was crying as I rode the subway home, amidst the rush hour crowd, thinking about how I was not going to lift him, potentially for about the next 5 months. I reflected on what a huge portion of his life 5 months was, contemplating how many experiences I would miss, how much of my involvement I would deprive him of. I thought so strongly about how I never want to be pregnant again, never want to put my child through this again. And yet at the same time, being able to see him, think about him, makes me feel so at ease. All is well - I already have the most perfect, beautiful, healthy, happy little guy.

I guess when you're being so sedentary, you have a lot of time to just think.....