22 weeks + 5

more bad news.

transvaginal ultrasound today: drop from 2.4 cm last week to 1.9 cm today.

(mind you it was the worst ultrasound I've had yet at the hospital, and I remember thinking about the technician 'oh I bet you're going to come up with some shitty number that I won't trust'; when i told my partner how shitty the technician was, he also independently said 'well then i don't even know if i would trust her measurement').

luckily we met with a great OB, it seemed. He didn't seem worried but did say the usual "you're off work right now, right? No? Ok well stop working as of today".

He made sure I was taken care of, walked me over to the OB covering for my doctor who is on vacation, made sure they were aware of my situation, made sure they wrote me a note indicating that i should be off work now (with the addition of "or working from home" after I pushed for it)

I don't know how many times I've had to go through this conversation... no, I am not on bedrest; yes, I feel like I can keep working. Thus I negotiated working from home.

so there goes another grip on normalcy.

Recently I have been having trouble concentrating or being effective or useful in any way outside of work. At work, I feel productive, I feel like I am using my brain. I feel useful. So there goes that down the toilet.

Last pregnancy, I ran and because I was being active, I ate better, and because everything was just dandy, I was ecstatically happy. I felt like I was doing everything right to give my baby a good head start.

Which makes me feel this time like the shittiest mother in the world to this baby that isn't even born yet and I don't even know if he/she will make it. I am already not listening to my body (which is screaming at me to be active), even though listening to my body has brought me to unimaginable places that have impressed the hell out of myself... So I feel like I am not taking care of myself physically by being so inactive, and I am so anxious/sad/disappointed, which is negatively affecting my unborn baby and all my loved ones around me. This is terrible.

But after speaking to so many people, everyone just urges me to stop working. Before, I was certain of my decision that I could keep working and it was not negatively impacting anything. I still have my doubts about the significance of a short cervix, and feel like I could've had a short cervix the last pregnancy, except no one felt the need to check. And so now with all the advice, the guilt is just piling on, and I'm thinking that if something happens to the baby, I now will in fact feel responsible, like I could've done something differently.

And so the decision as of now, is that I plan to stop working at the end of next week, when I am done supervising my student and covering for a vacationing colleague.

And then there goes my last grip of normalcy. Enter a dark world of bedrest and lack of activity and feelings of uselessness....