Yesterday I was 24+4. We went back to the hospital for our weekly Wednesday check. No changes. 1.1 cm. Baby is now 1 pound, 9 ounces.
no news from the doctor. Just business as usual. "continue what you've been doing for the last week" was what someone had said. I guess that means to mimic hospital bedrest, pretty much. Interestingly, I asked my doctor how things would've went differently if this was my first pregnancy. She said I'd probably have a cerclage in, and I'd probably still be in the hospital. I was blown away, and definitely started feeling more paranoid. I asked if she thought we could still make it past 32 weeks. She said she still believed we could - I felt she was cautious in this statement. And even though I understand exactly why she was cautious, I understand how realistic and reasonable she is, it still made me feel badly that she could not be more confident about me making it past 32 weeks. Makes no sense at all, but I guess that's what hormones do. Makes the heart ignore the mind.
everyone seems quite pleased with the measurement remaining "stable". Last week was 0.9. But the week before that was 1.9. So in a week, I can drop 1 entire cm. That certainly doesn't feel stable to me, nor does it instil much hope.
I do feel pretty happy about reaching 25 weeks. It was my next mini goal after 24 week viability. I couldn't quite pinpoint why it was important to me to reach 25 weeks, but I realise now - it's because 24 weeks, although it is viability, it feels like baby is still so frail. 25 weeks is not far after that, but at least it is a full week after 24. Next goal is 28 weeks. That's when all the rules may change.
After 28 weeks, my doctor might have me possibly return to some activities. That sounds quite scary to me. That sounds too early. I'd feel more comfortable with 32 weeks. I think my doctor will be supportive.
but then again, work was a nice distraction. But I will not put baby at risk, if I get that far along.
It's such an odd feeling, and unfair to my baby, that I try not to identify with him/her, and try not to acknowledge him/her. It was easier in the beginning but now that baby kicks ALL THE TIME wildly, I can't help but feel the kicks and just think about how much I love that feeling. When DS was born, I actually missed the kicking. I realised later that what I missed was being so intimately close with him at every moment. When he was born, that was not longer. We had to be separated at times.
So I do enjoy the baby kicks, but we don't know gender, we don't have a name yet (but should work on that considering I'm a ticking time bomb), I don't daydream about baby or the nursery, I don't write little notes for this baby or haven't started a baby book - all things that I started very early on with DS. It's a little unfair, yes, but that is my way of coping. It would be heartbreaking if I started these things and there was no baby, or no child later who would be capable of reading or enjoying these things like my notes or a baby book.
It is so hard. If i make it to 32 weeks, I owe my baby lots of notes and I will be frantically starting up a baby book! and boy will I have a lot to say to him/her....
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